The Contradiction

If you're not offended by strong language, go ahead. Thanks for viewing!

It's not really--

Beautiful.

Such a Depression

Stretched beyond the reaches of time

Becoming abstract.

Becoming beautiful.

Becoming array.

Going a speed beyond comprehension.

Vocal cords vibrating beneath a load of heavy water.

Give it up.

Keep struggling.

Keep moving on,
And on,
And on,
And on,
Keep f*****g moving.

And when everything's said and done,

Hum a tune with sounds comprehensible

By one, and only one.

Brush it off.

Rise.

Conquer the shadows on the wall.

And with a cheeky grin,

You--We--I--f*****g rise.

Reviews

[Rashmi Kulal]

Profanity amplifies the impact I guess! Nice!

[Poe Redd]

Had me hooked with the first short line. Love it!

[Tony Z Sienzant]

Well I wrote

Abstract .... Beautiful ..... Array

with big spaces between them as words on the page but it didn't post it that way. Yo, Writer's Cafe, SPACES are important, especially in POEMS ????? You may want to fix this particular anamoly.

[Tony Z Sienzant]

I like this one. The compact lines give it an energy & urgency. I first thought this may have something to do with the coming revolution (You--We--I--Rise) as in "Rise Up." Now I see it really is personal & about battling debilitating depression. "Conquer the shadows on the wall."

The message here is not what makes this poem memorable... other greater writers have probably said it better. However, the structure of the poem, the clean lines, the white space, the specific images ("Vocal cords...") that are contrasted with the abstract thought not easily deciphered ("Becoming array") makes for a worthwhile experience. Also, the strong point of view of the narrator really helps. It reads well because I think it will sound good when read aloud. The f**k words didn't bother me. They didn't sound forced. Gives it a kind of 'working class' ethic.

I would look it over again tho & see if things could be pared down even further. For example, I'm not sure if you are getting much mileage out of the three lines that begin with "Becoming..." I'm pretty certain if this were mine, I'd strike them & just go for:

Abstract.

Beautiful.

Array.

and that would bring to mind how it might read as one line with variations in how it looks on the page:

Abstract, beautiful, array.

Abstract Beautiful Array

etcetera, etcetera...

Also, did you really mean "becoming array" or "becoming a ray?" Just wondering, as the former makes little to no sense. But maybe that's what you were after?

Good poem.

[KeeD]

Together, we rise, together we fall.. stand united and watch a sea of shadows fall. I feel charged up after this read. good stuff man

[Caitlin Lea]

I quite like this. The first two lines really jerked me into the poem effectively. Lines such as: "Vocal cords vibrating beneath a load of heavy water." and "Hum a tune with sounds comprehensible" also serve to make me really think.

As for the cuss words, well, I don't like them, myself, but I also think that from a poetic standpoint, words that have such a strong impact should be used VERY sparingly. Perhaps the word should be used only once in this piece.

Altogether I very much like this. Good job!

[MandaBear]

A very nice and inspirational piece

[N!LoC]

yay ! for profanity :-p

[Christoph Poe]

Haha, I cuss a lot, but it's out of humor. I never curse out of anger believe it or not. Most people reading this probably don't see the cursing as humor though.

[Christoph Poe]

And at that, I think a little cussing makes writing more real. Because 99 percent of everyone I know has slipped a cuss word at some point in our conversations.

[Kelsey]

A very nice and inspirational piece. Sometimes we forget that life will hand us difficult things, and that our only option should be to rise above it, for it'll make us stronger. This is a very nice reminder of that. Lovely job. x

[creativequill]

I like the way this reads and sort of unfolds as you keep reading. I am a big fan of short impactual lines so this is right up my alley style-wise :) great piece great job