Upon a Shore

Upon a Shore

A Poem by Gathering_Stars

Affixed, illuminated, persistent, I stand in awe
Of the waves which challenge this timid form to make itself known;
To rise above the mindless din, to sound a roar
So bold in its' constitution that none may deem it folly

Simple it seems for infinity to challenge an indefinite being
When its' absolution looms indomitably, incapable of breaking or faltering;
Futile seem the efforts of an Ocean who sees not the scars
Of a vagrant heart, nor the series of failures resignedly endured by its' owner.

Here I approach unwritten history, perplexed, mindful
Of the task which conception placed at the discretion of this life's vessel;
The torment of past mistakes encompasses my apprehension
As indigo waves compel stationary feet and soul to move


© 2009 Gathering_Stars



My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Reviews

Nice touch of eternal in a moment along a beach at night.
Very arty and imaginative. Thanks for sharing.

Cheers!
Doc.


Posted 10 Years Ago


[send message][befriend] Subscribe
AK
Reading this brought to mind a young lady who lived in my small town years ago, Becky was her name, that was all anyone knew of her. She could be seen standing on various street corners for hours talking with herself. She had no home that I know of, no family.
She traveled to a nearby seaport town (Seward, Alaska) one cold autumn day and enacted your last stanza. She removed her clothing and simply walked into the frigid waters of Resurrection Bay.

"As indigo waves compel stationary feet and soul to move"...



Posted 10 Years Ago


The poem is a good one. It takes me backwards style-wise into the past where the voice was more fluid..kind of old fashioned by today's standards, but nicely done.

Posted 10 Years Ago


This was a beautiful poem(:
An excellent read :D

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

unique word combinations. The ocean never stops, we can all learn something from it's constant motion :)

beautiful poetry from a bright star ;)

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

i love the movement, come in slow and ponderous like the waves & like
the thoughts of immensity & the frailty of humanity. very fine.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I loved the depth, its as equally as well rounded as the flow, the heartfelt sincerity stands out
and the insightful wording brings the meaning to life, you did a really nice job on this, keep it up

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is a lovely poem, the imagery is made to be quite vivid. The final line is a standout!

I see a couple of typos: line 1 - persistant (persistent) - line 7 - futile seem sthe efforts (seem the efforts) - and line 11 - the torment of past mistakds (mistakes).

I see no reason for a question mark in the title. I think being certain of your feelings and the feeling(s) you want to evoke in readers is a quality a poet should always employ.

Your strengths appear to be your use of adjectives. However, might I offer that what really gives a poem power are the verbs. You use a lot of infinitives (e.g. to make, to rise, to sound, to challenge, to move). I'd prefer the active voice.

Also, the word "of" is a pretty useless word in the English language. I try never to use it in poetry because it doesn't say anything.

Example:

Affixed, illuminated, persistent, waves' challenge
Incites awe, requiring recognition arise from temerity's ashes;
Rising above the mindless din, roaring
So boldly that authority asserts itself, even against breakers' strength.

I'm not saying mine is great, it's just off the top of my head. But do you see how it is more actively voiced? That places the reading in the poem. It also keeps the wave metaphor in the stanza (both first and last line), meaning that you complete the metaphor.

I hope you find this a useful example.

I tend to rewrite my poems many times over several weeks (sometimes over several years) beefore I consider the poem "finished."

Keep at it. You have a flair and good ideas. Poetry is a search for perfection which can never be achieved, but it can be closely approximated. I like your writing. I think your poems have potential, but, like the sculpter, you can refine the block of marble into a more perfect piece of art by chipping away a little more, or sanding smooth certain areas.


Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Of the task which conception placed at the discretion of this life's vessel;
The torment of past mistakds encompasses my apprehension
As indigo waves compel stationary feet and soul to move

loved these lines to the core!!! lovely write up!

i guess in the second last line you mis-spelled "mistake" as "mistakds"

nice read.....

:) Smiles,
Poetic Soul

Posted 10 Years Ago


One little spelling gremlin-- "persistent"

It's a nicely conceived metaphor-- the notion of the power of the waves, and the idea of a journey (moving from the shore into the ocean, as it were). You do use the passive voice a great deal here, a lot of adverb-then-subject-- perhaps to the point of being a bit overdone. The piece certainly doesn't require an apology as it stands, and, with a bit of tinkering, could be something very special.

Posted 10 Years Ago



First Page first
Previous Page prev
1
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

539 Views
13 Reviews
Rating
Added on October 26, 2008
Last Updated on September 11, 2009

Author

Gathering_Stars
Gathering_Stars

Shooting Star



About
I'm pretty sure that vampires, Harry Potter, and Albert Einstein live in a parallel universe. Actually I think that Albert Einstein somehow mis-haped himself into ours by some freak accident; althoug.. more..

Writing

Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..


Coyote Dreams Coyote Dreams

A Chapter by TL Boehm


Wild Vine Wild Vine

A Chapter by TL Boehm