Epiphany

Trent: That’s her picture

 

Diane: Huh. You know she wasn’t beautiful

 

Trent: In the flesh she was much more demure and gorgeous than you can ever dream of being, you cow.

 

Diane: Oh, whatever. What do I know? I am but a supermodel who is considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. Therefore, I know nothing and must realizer that you know everything. Very well, she is beautiful. I am sorry you lost her.

 

Trent: Thank you. Would you like to hear how she died

 

Diane: (Lights up and begins drinking) Oh, why not? But make it quick. Criminal Minds is on in three minutes.

 

Trent: It all began in the year 1965. I was young. As was she. We were both young and beautiful. I still believe myself to be young and beautiful. I not only believe it, I know it to be a fact as factual as that bed you are lying upon this very moment.

 

Diane: Uh huh. Go on or I am going to blow this place up

 

Trent: As I said, the year was 1965. We were young and beautiful. I was in a large room at some party which was a torrential bore. I was bored. I was vain. I was lost. I was hurt. I wanted companionship more than you want me to stop talking right now., I saw her. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid my eyes upon. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Perfect. The very image of perfection and beauty

 

Diane: Why does she look like a moose in this picturte then

 

Trent: Shut up! Shut up! (Regains composure) You are but a common tramp. You are a parasite. What do you know of beauty? Of culture? Of love? Yes, instantly, instantly, I fell in love! Total rapture and desire for this young woman! And, lest you forget, I also was devastatingly handsome as I remain to this day. She wanted me as well. Our eyes. Met. They locked. We were suddenly one. I walked to her as she walked to me. We met in the middle of the dance floor, and I said, “Lady, I don’t know your name nor do I necessarily care to. But your breats and a*s are on par with nothing I have ever seen before in this life. Please come with me and we shall have a rollicking life together” She looked at me, spat in my eye, then instantly took my arm, and we walked off into the shadows of the night. That night when we returned to my home, we made love and for the next twenty years we knew nothing but love and desire and passion with one another. We made sure never to have any other friends as they would merely get in our way of our intense, insane, obsessive love

 

Diane: Nice story. How did she die?

 

Trent: I must go now. Good-bye.(Leaves the room as quickly as possible)

 

Diane: Queer, creepy loser of a fellow. This moose lady probably never existed. (Scrutinizes the picture) Wow she really does look like a moose. He looks like a yak though. It makes sense. Perhaps we’re all animals in some way. Nah that’s so symbolic and melodramatic. Well, I must get some shuteye if I am to make my photo shoot in the morning. I shall retire.

 

(Lady dressed as a moose flies in from the window)

 

Moose Lady: Get up! Get up! Don’t go to sleep! Oh no, not yet. Not ever! Get up, Diane Eunice Mccullers!

 

Diane: Oh, for Pete’s sake!

 

Moose Lady: Do not use our Lord’s name in vain! (swats Diane over the head)

 

Diane: Ow! Your Lord’s name is Pete

 

Moose Lady; Yeah, you have a problem with that!

 

Diane: Oh, whatever. I need to sleep. So, if you’d be so kind please leave. We’ll talk another time

 

Moose Lady: Aren’t you curious as to who I am

 

Diane: Oh I know who you are, Moose Lady! You’re that ugly lady that freaky dude downstairs can’t get enough of!

 

Moose Lady: Oh, you importunate, vain, despicable young woman. (Grabs her out of the bed and beats her up) Now will you listen?

 

Diane: (In a heap on the floor) (Crying) Fine, Moose Lady, just don’t hurt me anymore.

 

Moose Lady: Back in 1965 I was young and beautiful

 

Diane Oh wake up and smell the coffee, Bullwinkle, you never were and never will be beautiful. You’re a freaking moose!

 

Moose Lady: You know nothing of beauty! Do you think you’re beautiful!

 

Diane: Yeah…..

 

 

Moose Lady: Well, you are! You are! Fine. Okay. Well aren’t you soooooo special?!

 

Diane: So, what’s this about? Why are you visiting me? What am I supposed to get out of all this? 

 

Moose: I am to teach you how to cease being vain

 

Diane: That’s it? That’s all. That’s dumb. People are incapable of change

 

Moose: don’t be so cynical.

 

Diane: this is the 21st century I’ll be whatever I want to be

 

Moose: I am sick of the streak of the streak of disrespect masquerading as independence and individuality nowadays.

 

Diane: were you known as the moose lady? Ya know, like the elephant man?

 

Moose: Do you think that’s funny?

 

Diane: Yeah, it make me chuckle

 

Moose: How can you be so…. So….. I’m leaving

 

Diane: Oh, no, but I wanted to hear all your wise words

 

Moose: These are all the wise words you need: You’re not a moose and you’re not beautiful and you never will be. I have now planted doubt in your brain, and it shall never leave you.

 

Diane: whatever.

 

Moose: I feel bad for you. (Flies back out)

 

Trent: (Re-enters) Well…

 

Diane: Well, what?

 

Trent: Will you change or will you always be the vain, self-absorbed b***h you are?

 

Diane: Well, I think we both know the answer to that.

 

Trent: Incredible. Please be gone in the morning.

 

Diane: Whatver.

 

Trent: Your neverending refrain.

 

Diane: Yup.

 

Trent: Try kindness one day, you might be surprised (Leaves)

 

Diane: (Alone) They’re right. I’m terrible but I’ll never change. I’ll always be lonely because………………… whatever.

 

(Lights out.)

eigh�knr��� 8J� agination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none'>Charles: Your daughter stole my wallet.

Father: Don’t do that again, sweetie. I have nothing else to say. Good-bye. (He exits.)

Charles: Well, it appears you have learned your lesson. Will you ever steal from me again?

Karen: Most likely.

Charles: Damn you. (He exits.)

Susan: Hello, Karen. Is Greggy still out with the ducks?

Karen: yes.

Susan: I worry about him. He has no friends. He has no prospects. He repeats everything he says several times. He’s a very obsessive person, isn’t he? I suppose that’s what comes of being lonely and having no busyness in your life. How was your day?

Karen: Fine.

Susan: Very well. I am busy. I shall talk to you another time. (She exits.)

Gregory (re-enters) Still no ducks. I am done. No feeding the ducks. No ducks to bed. I wanted to feed some ducks. But no ducks. No ducks. No ducks.

Karen: Come to me. Come to me

Gregory: (He falls into her arms.)

Karen: Someday, Greggy, you will have ducks. They will waddle and quack and cackle and laugh and fly and giggle and stammer and stutter just for you and all people like you. Maybe for people like me. And Mother. And Father. And Charles. And Susan. And Gerald. For all of us. Maybe. Won’t that be lovely?

Gregory: Feeding the ducks. Feeding the ducks. Waddling, quacking, cackling, laughing. Feeding the ducks. Feeding the ducks. Feeding the ducks.

Karen: Yes. Keep feeding the ducks, Gregory. In fact, tomorrow I shall go feed the ducks with you.

Gregory: Feed the ducks! Feed the ducks! Feed the ducks!

Mother and Father enter

Mother: How were the ducks, Greggy?

Gregory: They weren’t there. No feeding the ducks.

Father: It’s okay, son. Well I have no more to say. Good-bye.

Mother. It’s okay, Greggy. I’ll leave you for now. (She exits.)

Gerald: (Re-enters.) Karen! I cannot let you get away! I love you!

Gregory: Feed the ducks.

Gerald: Huh? Oh, hi, and you are???

Gregory: Going to feed the ducks. (He exits.)

Gerald: Was that your lover?

Karen: No. My brother. He’s a little obsessive. What can I do for you?

Gerald: Have you so easily forgotten?

Karen: Yes.

Gerald: I love you. I worship you. (gets down on his hands and knees.) I am not worthy of you but I love you. All I can give unto you is my love. Will you accept it?

Charles: Listen here, thief. I don’t appreciate what you did. You had no right to do it. You know nothing of what I’ve faced or known. No idea. You had no right. I am moving out. Please let your sister and brother and mother and father to know. I’m sure you can find some time. Please have all my stuff shipped to…. (Hands her a slip of paper) to that address. By the way, here’s the wallet back. I won’t need it. I will find someone to pick up my tab from now on. (He exits.)

Gerald: Now, where was I? Oh, yes, I love you and I want you to move in with me.

Karen: Where do you live?

Gerald: I live wioth my parents at…

Karen: You live with your parents?

Gerald: But you live with yours, my love!

Karen: Sorry. Not going to work. I don’t love you. Bye.

Gerald: But.

Karen: I’m done talking.

Gerald: Okay. But I will always love you. (He exits.)

Susan: Hello again, Karen.

Karen: Susan.

Susan: I continue to be busy. Can you believe it?

Karen: Well, what can you do?

Susan: Wonderful question. I cannot live here anymore. I shall leave. Will you be staying on?

Karen: Yes.

Susan: Very well. I was just in the ktiche. Both Mother and Father keeled over dead. If you have a moment call the police and I’m sure someone can be brought to pick them up.

Karen: Yes. Certainly.

Susan: I won’t be able to make the funeral I’m sure. As I am very busy. Should we ever have one?

Karen: I don’t see the point. I’m busy with love. Greggy’s busy with feeding the ducks. And you’re busy. So.

Susan: Okay. Sounds good. Well have my stuff sent to this address (Hands her a slip of paper.) Okay. I’m busy. Have a nice life. (She exits.)

Gregory: Feeding the ducks! The ducks were there. I got to feed them. I shall never return here. Have my possessions. Never mind. I need nothing. I have my ducks to feed. They waddle and quack and cackle and laugh and giggle and sing and…. It’s what I’ve always wanted. Goodbye. (He exits.)

Karen: (She looks around and smiles.) Most everyone finds what they need or want. I don’t but…. It’s okay. As long as I can find goodness for everyone…

Gerald: (Re-enters.) Listen, Karen, I shouldn’t have done as I did. But I cannot give you up. I love you as dumb and as strange as it sounds. I won’t be perfect but I will do my best for you. I love you and you need and want my love although you won’t…

Karen: Stop right there. Gerald, oif course I love you. I was merely playing games with you. (Kisess him.) Let us go. Let us run to your parents home. I need no possessions I have here. I have you. That’s enough.

Gerald: That’s so sappy but….. It’s true and I love it. Let us go.

Karen: To feed the ducks!

Gerald: To feed the ducks!

(They walk off hand-in-hand as the play ends.)