Pain and a Pen

rhyming piece; similar to a kyrielle and ballade with internal rhyme

A poet heeds his aching needs;

if not, his heart would grow a hole.

His sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

When pains emerge and lightnings surge

in violent storms he can't control,

there comes an urge to delve and purge.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

He spills each word so cries unheard

can leak their blood upon a page.

His soul is stirred ― a fiery bird

ascends its wings beyond pain's cage.

It's not mere ash from flaming rage,

but diamonds squeezed from blackest coal

that gleam their brilliance on a stage.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

Author's Note

Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged. I would like to know if the repetition of masculine pronouns (although this piece is meant for both male and female poets) was distracting. I would also like to know if the lack of internal rhyme in the last four lines off-set the flow and/or readability in any way.

Special thanks to mattavelli for helping me edit this piece.

Reviews

[mattavelli]

Hello, William! :)
Eight syllable lines and a fun rhyme, I love it!
It looks like it was fun to write.
Your refrain hits like a hammer.
Suggestions:
In line two, replace "have" with something more pointed, like "grow".
While your thoughts are clear, your phrasing could use some tweaking where sections two and three meet.

[William Liston]

Hello Matt :)

I'd like to thank you for your constructive review. I really enjoyed reading your words of praise as well as the suggestions you pointed out.

Concerning your first critique: Thank you so much. I've been looking for another word to replace "have" but couldn't find one. I had "bear" at first but changed it because I thought it sounded repetitive (the refrain uses the word "bear.")

Concerning your second critique, how about this: He spills each word so cries unheard

Another thing I must note: You poem "Fearlessly" actually inspired me to write this. I enjoyed how in that poem, virtually every line was a poignant image and/or a metaphor, so I tried to incorporate the same style in this piece.

Feel free to make more suggestions.

[JessyJacob]

Dont try to missunderstand me, William and other readers.

I want to say, that a poet born with aching needs with a hole inside, was burning the hole, pulling inside like a gravity pull, which needed to be filled by a gravity who was him's and stays with him ever.
He doesnt know that a fiery bird of him already born with hole, who is also seeking that inner need of pull by him for ever, but bounded with pain, who was shown a way, showing to let come out from pain, where the cage opened gates for her.

But unknowingly fiery bird thought she was ascending her wings to him, but both were trying to fly with showering love spreading a beautiful freshness and fragrance for those left away and who helped both, and thanking them for their togetherness, in a way to protecting them again, for their and everyone's survival.

I see a divine touch in your poetry, trying to see the depth, in my point of view, feeling the deep emotions inside. So that people dont get hurt by your poetry.

I liked your lines of "poet must bear his soul".

Its really appreciating the time, and care to write such poetry at this very young age, feeling and understanding people and trying to do more.

[William Liston]

Thank you so much for your review!

[JessyJacob]

Your thank you reveals that you accept my comment, I know how those aching needs burning the two souls, covering up their true emotions. True,the gravity is same attracts two different poles. As you are interested in physics too, I think that gravity pull is nothing but the Divine, which pulls everything when nature gets anger like Bermuda triangle, and the same pull holds the life staying on earth, not flying like zero gravity, the primary source of existence of life on earth. That gravity is nothing but the true love, the merging of two souls, doesnt release stress/calorie but a pain of human sufffering, where they both in the form of Demigods, to solve the human suffering, of GOOD and EVIL, making good to win over.
Sometimes the God itself had to go through darkness, to protect his own kingdom, where the goddess bears his darkness as patience to get it solved, always Gurus are the ones who lift us like Astras to kill the Evil.

A great honor to Parents, Grand parents, family, friends and Society, and all invisible Gurus.

[JessyJacob]

A Black hole!! Atleast I can lead people to true love, William, I am really wanted you to learn the real true love, who is made for you, not just many, who may be.

[Great Aunt Astri]

Goodness Jessy, you do go on. I must read one of yours

[Taz]

I think that the end was awsome it just added an emphisis to the power of the words. Beautiful job all in all.

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Rosie Brooklin]

Very nicely done! The metaphors are beautiful, and I appreciate the rhythm and flow of your writing. I agree with Kelly that the repetition adds to the piece. I think that the repetition of pronouns adds flow to the lines, and I wouldn't change that. It's also a very relatable piece, which will catch the hearts of readers young and old.

[William Liston]

Thank you so much for your in-depth review.
I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Rosie Brooklin]

You're very welcome.

[writ rajat]

you make me realize who i am

[William Liston]

Glad I could :)

[Stacy Purvis]

The beauty and flow of this piece...so whimsical. The form flows so nicely...you are quite talented. I enjoyed this piece so much!

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Kelly Scheppers]

William, I have never read poetry from one so young! I love the repetition of the last line in each stanza. I wouldn't change a thing. I think it gives more depth to the poem, in having the last stanza read with a little more offering. I loved it!

[William Liston]

I too believe that repetition is one of the highlights of this piece ... glad that stood out. Thank you for your kind words. I greatly appreciate them : )

[Kelly Scheppers]

You are most welcomed!

[Paul]

I quite enjoyed this. As for the masculine pronouns, I hardly noticed.
The lack of internal rhyme in the last four lines didn't throw me off in any way. Just my humble opinion.
It was a pleasure to read!

Paul

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your input.

[Charlotte]

its good. i like the. A poet's pen must bear his soul.

[William Liston]

Thank you.

[Charlotte]

thats ok. keep writing!:)

[Lydia Shutter]

Yes, a poem can be the diamond that comes out of a lump of coal. Our emotions, both sad and happy, are splashed on the page and we can only hope the the readers are kind. The male pronouns wee fine...after all, you are male! Lydi**

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad the masculine pronouns were not distracting.

[Mr.Writer]

Amazing!! Beautiful!! Keep it up!

[William Liston]

Thank you.

[Mr.Writer]

No problem! :)