The Heart Comes Apart

Further tales from my life.

 I have not written for quite some time, and I suddenly had the urge to write another part about my life to put on Writerscafe. It is 3:46 AM at the moment, and fortunately I do not have class until five.

I am not depressed by any means at the moment.  I am simply bitter because I ruined this.

It seems as if I write about love, infatuation and such quite often. To some it may seem a bit cliche, but that is the origin of the many things I feel.

I have mentioned before that this year, I met an amazing girl. I said things I should not have said, which lead to us not talking anymore.

I'm quite addicted to the computer and the internet. I am on my PC every day. I consider the internet one of the best things in my life. But she, she was far above that. While the internet served for entertainment and amusement, she made me happy. Happy to my very core.  I could just lay in my bed and smile, knowing that someone really cared about me. 

Over the months, I still consider that one of the worst mistakes I have made in my life, hurting her with my words and pushing her away. I met someone who took time out of her day to help me. Someone who send me texts saying that she cares about me and wants to see that I am okay.

That was when I realized that not everyone wants to use me in some way. She spent time with me just because she enjoyed my presence. She brought me soup after surgery that she bought with her own money. 

No one ever did that for me.

I woke up, happy. I went to bed, so incredibly happy. Whenever we talked at school I constantly smiled. My friends noticed I was different from that. Some thought she and I were dating. I never had the courage to ask her out, and for that several of my friends mocked me. It was a funny thing, that.

That mocking was not offensive or hurt me in any way. At its core, it made me laugh. They called me a variety of terms, for which here I shall us the euphemism "coward" for the sake of the rating of this piece. 

Now then, to why I never asked her out. I feared, horribly, that she would say no, and that it would break our entire friendship.

My other friends said the evidence that she was interested in me is compelling. She brought me soup, she put on her Facebook that I make her happy. Whether or not she was interested in me, the fear lingered that one day she would suddenly decide to break our friendship.

And therein originates the reason for the things I said. What I said is not justifiable in any way. I do not blame my wild mood swings or anything like that. I was impulsive. I was an idiot. I ruined the best thing in my life.

I just can't get over the destruction of such an opportunity. 

She has found someone now who makes her happy. Someone who does not hurt her emotions in any way. Someone she loves. I am happy with that. I talked about that to one of my friends. He said that is because I am 'maturing'. Him saying that made me so incredibly angry. I wanted to punch him again, and again, and again, and again. The rage I felt when he said that still lingers with me as I recall what he said.

But ultimately what he said does not matter, because she is happy. And that makes me so incredibly happy. I don't want to see her sad and hurt again. I once saw her cry, and that was horrible enough. Now she is happy, and that is the only thing that matters to me right now. 

Reviews

[The Wave]

i'm always excited to read whatever you post...

i think it's the how you write your experiences and thoughts...
it pulls people in so we want to know more and ultimately read more.