The bed of denial

6 sentence story.

I lie on the cold hard table awaiting for certain death. The nurse pushes a long sharp needle into a vein on my arm and nods to instruct the doctor to begin the process. I look over to the audience of people watching my demise and across to the victims family. They wanted this to happen, they made it clear when i appealed for life in prison instead of being put to death. The cold fluid streams into my vein and my eyes become almost impossible to keep open. I use the little strength i have left to give a quick, short smile, showing i have no remorse for ending their daughters life. 

Reviews

[Alice Poppy]

I was going to enter this contest, then I read your entry and promptly gave up. You managed to do THIS in six sentences?!?! It's amazing!!! You manage to sum up the whole story, I have no questions that would keep me from enjoying it, the characters, or character in this case, are perfectly developed. The man's cynical personality is shown easily by the last sentence, AND THAT'S ALL WE NEEDED!!!! I would have needed at least a paragraph to get that across, it's brilliant!! Grade A stuff, Broski!! I hope you win!!!

[Corey12345]

Awh Thankyou for the kind words.

[Alice Poppy]

Dude, you did it!! You won the contest!!! Great job I knew you would!!!

[Corey12345]

Thank you, i did not expect this pretty happy :), you did really well too, honestly all the stories entered were really good.

[Alice Poppy]

Oh yeah totally!

[mickeroo]

Overall, I liked it. A good description of an execution. Reading your profile, I'd have to disagree with where you say that you lack the skill to become an author. It doesn't take you much space to clearly develop the personality of the character.

One thing I'd change though is the last sentence. As a writer, you want to show, not tell. Meaning, don't tell us that the murderer is smiling to show he has no remorse. Instead, show us. Give us enough description that we can figure it out on our own. For example, maybe something like, but not necessarily, "I use what little strength I have left to make eye contact with my victim's mother, and, thinking of what I did to her daughter, flash one big, final smile." That's just off the top of my head and could definitely be better, but the point is that it doesn't tell us he has no remorse, it shows it.

Little grammar things:
1) It should be "awaiting" or "waiting for" not "awaiting for."
2) The fourth sentence should have a semicolon instead of a comma, otherwise it's a run-on.

Certainly a finalist for the contest.

[Corey12345]

Oh thankyou, i guess as people say if you really want something it can be achieved. Okay i never knew that i guess if i plan on writing future stories i should make characterization a big theme.

Okay thankyou for all this constructive feedback, i will now definitely focus more on showing not telling. I see, no that sentence shows me perfectly how i can improve my writing.

Yeah i will definitely start prof reading my work more to try and perfect it as much as possible.

Thankyou very much for all the advice, it has really shown me not only how i will be able to improve my writing but also my strengths which are hard to see when looking at your writing from you, the writers, perspective.