Ever read William Carlos Williams or Amy Lowell or any of the other imagist poets? 'The Red Wheelbarrow' is one of my favorites. It's kind of like the English language version of haiku, in a sense. This poem reminds me of that school, and WC Williams was one of my favorite American poets.
I get the image here of a simple everyday occurrence (waking up stoned on the couch and the channel has turned to static and you can't find the remote), but it's placed in a poetic reference. Very minimalistic, too, i might add. I especially like the 'static is the death rattle of suns' because i am a physics freak and the static on tv screens and between radio channels is partly an echo from the Big Bang, helium ash left over from the moment of the birth of the universe, so your image is gripping here.
The only place that i suggest could be improved here is that second line, for several reasons: 1-it's so much longer than the rest that it calls undue attention to itself, as though it is more important than the rest of the poem, while offering not as much in reward for giving it this extra attention; 2-the 'violence is abated' phrase is not concrete, but generic, and nothing about this phrase is linked anywhere else in the poem (what violence, exactly? on the tv? if so not worth the reference to include the extra words in such a tight poem), and it is, again, an unwelcome pause in the middle of the poem, when the pause should be at the end; and 3-it goes against the form of minimalistic poetry, which the rest of the poem follows. Perhaps consider eliminating that clause and keeping something along the lines of 'in the seams' or 'between the cushions' or, if you want to keep this line longer, as it seems to want to be, then add more image-packed words to fill it out with meaning instead of simple stage direction.
Don't take my lengthy review as condemnation of any kind. If i didn't like the poem or wasn't obligated to comment for some reason or other, then i wouldn't waste my time with such a lengthy necropsy of the work. I feel that if i am going to bother with commenting, then i'm not doing my job if i don't find something constructive to offer, because it's what i would want. This poem is good work here. It's hard to find the fewest words to relay the most meaning, but you do a find job of it.
Ever read William Carlos Williams or Amy Lowell or any of the other imagist poets? 'The Red Wheelbarrow' is one of my favorites. It's kind of like the English language version of haiku, in a sense. This poem reminds me of that school, and WC Williams was one of my favorite American poets.
I get the image here of a simple everyday occurrence (waking up stoned on the couch and the channel has turned to static and you can't find the remote), but it's placed in a poetic reference. Very minimalistic, too, i might add. I especially like the 'static is the death rattle of suns' because i am a physics freak and the static on tv screens and between radio channels is partly an echo from the Big Bang, helium ash left over from the moment of the birth of the universe, so your image is gripping here.
The only place that i suggest could be improved here is that second line, for several reasons: 1-it's so much longer than the rest that it calls undue attention to itself, as though it is more important than the rest of the poem, while offering not as much in reward for giving it this extra attention; 2-the 'violence is abated' phrase is not concrete, but generic, and nothing about this phrase is linked anywhere else in the poem (what violence, exactly? on the tv? if so not worth the reference to include the extra words in such a tight poem), and it is, again, an unwelcome pause in the middle of the poem, when the pause should be at the end; and 3-it goes against the form of minimalistic poetry, which the rest of the poem follows. Perhaps consider eliminating that clause and keeping something along the lines of 'in the seams' or 'between the cushions' or, if you want to keep this line longer, as it seems to want to be, then add more image-packed words to fill it out with meaning instead of simple stage direction.
Don't take my lengthy review as condemnation of any kind. If i didn't like the poem or wasn't obligated to comment for some reason or other, then i wouldn't waste my time with such a lengthy necropsy of the work. I feel that if i am going to bother with commenting, then i'm not doing my job if i don't find something constructive to offer, because it's what i would want. This poem is good work here. It's hard to find the fewest words to relay the most meaning, but you do a find job of it.
I love how you started this poem. I love short poems like these, but only when they are well done. You did a great job. You hit me hard with images in only a few lines. You have a wonderful way with words.
I agree, if it were longer it would ruin the effect.
Beautiful.
This poem is incredibly poignant, because its very short but very meaningful. Each word carries a meaning, and any longer it would probably ruin the effect.
Great write :)
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