The Incredibly Awkward Love Affair of J and J

Josh has just scored a date with the girl of his dreams; but, will his smooth moves be enough to win her heart over?

PART 1

“This is it, Josh, the moment you’ve been waiting for.” I mumble to myself under my breath. Observing my neatly combed black hair in the rearview mirror of my white Dodge Charger, I make sure everything is perfect for my date. I rub my hand across my cheek and feel my cleanly shaven face. The bags under my green eyes reveal that I didn’t sleep at all last night. Turning the volume of the stereo to its maximum capacity, I jam out to Sweet Cherry Pie by Warrant. This song really gets my adrenaline going. Excited by the opening guitar and drums, I use the little energy I have left to joyfully pump my fist.  Working 60 hours a week definitely takes its toll on a guy. No 24 year old man should have to live like this. I barely have any time for a social life; and, when I actually do have the chance to go out, all I want to do is sleep. Worst of all, I don’t even have a girlfriend. But tonight…all of that will change.

          This morning, while I was grabbing coffee from the Starbucks by my house, I came across the most breathtaking woman I’ve ever seen. She stood behind the cash register with her silky brown hair up in a bun, which was slightly covered by a black visor. Her green eyes connected with mine like lightning striking an enormous tower of steel. When she greeted me with, “Good morning! Welcome to Starbucks! What can I get for you?” 

All that came out of my mouth was, “You.”

My embarrassing slip of the tongue caused her soft, fair skin to turn bright red.

“Um…uh I mean…just a large iced coffee.” I rushed.

She let out a nervous laugh and muttered, “Will that complete your order?”

Seeing as I had already made a fool of myself, I figured that rejection couldn’t hurt my pride any further. So, after clearing my throat and straightening my posture, I asked her, “Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?”

She laughed as she looked into my eyes again. “Um…I don’t know….I don’t even know who you are.

“Josh…I’m 24 and I work for Royal Cruises. And you are?” I reach my hand out to her.

A little uncomfortable with my assertiveness, she lightly shook my hand and answered, “Jen. Nice to meet you.”

“J and J…it’s a sign!” I joked as I wildly threw my arms out.

Blushing beyond belief, she looked down at the register in second hand embarrassment. The entire shop was quiet. All that could be heard was the page of a newspaper about 10 feet to the right. I wish there would’ve at least been a little music playing. I felt a line of nervous sweat begin to form along my hairline. After a painful 3 seconds, which felt like half an hour, she broke the silence.

“Yeah…” She bashfully said. “I’m working right now, but you can text me later.”

Looking down the entire time, she hastily made a large iced coffee.

She pressed a couple of buttons on the keyboard and bashfully said, “Four twenty-four.”

“What are the other seven?” I riskily commented as I handed her my card.

The room stayed silent, except for a forced giggle by Jen. I anxiously wiped the sweat from my forehead as the sound of a receipt printing echoed through the store. So uncomfortable…but, she ended up writing down her number on the receipt.

“Here…text me.” She squeaked

With an elated grin across my face, I took the receipt from her hand.

All I could utter was, “Thank you.”

Turning toward the exit door with my iced coffee and precious receipt in my possession, I added, “And don’t worry…my jokes will be way better when I have time to think of them before dinner.”

I was all smiles as I left that coffee shop, but the ten people in line behind me seemed a little upset.

“It’s 6:30 a.m. People have places to be, Jackass.” Angrily blurted a heavy-set man with a grey comb over. He didn’t faze me though. No one could bring me down after getting Jen’s number.

Now, here I am driving to have dinner with her at the Grand Lux café. All of those awkward moments paid off, and I’m not solely referring to the coffee shop:

 

             6:45 a.m

Me: Hey! Long time no talk :-p

Me: Lol what’s up?

              3:30 p.m

                             Jen: Hey just got off work

                 3:31 p.m

Me: I’ve still got another 3 hours left at my job lol #killme

                3:53 p.m

Jen: Oh that sucks…you said you work on a cruise ship right?

                               

 3:54 p.m

Me: FOR not ON lmao. Get your ears checked much?

                                      

                                       4:30 p.m

Me: jk

Me: You like Italian food?

             

                                       4:58 p.m

Jen: Sorry I was at the gym. Yeah Italian’s alright I guess lol.

                                       4:59 p.m

Me: May I escort you to the Grand Lux café on this fine evening my lady?

Me: It’s not Italian

Me: But it is food which is the most important part 8-D

                                       5:18 p.m

                             Jen: Ok

                             Jen: What time?

                                                                                             5:19 p.m

                             Me: The greatest time of your life lol

                5:35 p.m

                             Me: 7?

                             Me: I’ll pick you up after work

               5:44 p.m

                             Jen: Ok

                             Jen: I forgot my wallet at the coffee shop so just     pick me up there

5:47 p.m

                             Me: Will do Jenny Boo ;)

 

       Yes, I know…smooth as f**k.

“Woo!” I excitedly howl, speeding down the road. As Sweet Cherry Pie comes to an end, I chortle, “That’s like…definitely my favorite song ever.”

“Yeah it’s good.” Jen chimes in from the passenger’s seat. She seems irritated for some reason.

Clearing my throat I ask, “Why are your arms crossed…you cold?”

“Um, a little bit. So where are you from? Have you always lived in Miami?” She inquires.

“Yep...lots of partying and beautiful Cuban women. They call me the Jewban Papi.”

Over the sound of my laugh she states, “I don’t get it.”

Is this girl serious? She just doesn’t understand anything. Maybe that’s why she hasn’t been laughing. I elaborate, “You know…JEWban. Like, I’m Jewish and I live in Miami. I’m not Cuban myself; but, like, I know a lot of Cubans. Also, the word Papi is actually a Spanish-.”

Abruptly cutting me off, she claims, “I know what Papi means.”

She lightly laughs to avoid coming across as rude. I’ve got to start speaking a little more smoothly if I’m going to win her heart over. Seeing the royally decorated Grand Lux Café, I announce, “Get ready for lit-er-al-ly the BEST F*****G food you’ve ever tasted.”

The elegant beige and maroon color combination of the outside walls surround large oval windows. I inhale the aroma of sweet bread rolls as we drive up to the valet.

Looking over at Jen, I ask, “You smell that?”

“Yeah, this place looks great!” She smiles.

I raise one eyebrow while tightening my tie. “Uh-huh. Knowing how to get food on the table is part of being a man. Knowing how to get GREAT food on the table is just a ginormous plus.”

“Yeah…true.” She remarks.

After parking my Charger, we both step out of the car.

“Treat her like you’re gunna marry her, Pal.” I demand as I toss my keys to the valet driver.

“Justin!?” Jen exclaims. She walks toward the valet, who completely misses my throw. My keys strike the glass of one of the large windows, causing an old woman inside to nearly drop her fork.

“Jen!? What are you doing here!?” shouts the young valet. With his pearly white smile and gelled blonde hair glistening in the passing headlights, he approaches Jen and gives her a very welcoming hug. Who the hell does this guy think he is?

“Hey there.” I chime in standing tall behind Jen. I’d say he’s about 5’8…only a few inches taller than I am.

Dominantly staring directly into his confused, blue eyes; I hear Jen say, “Um, oh yeah. Sorry. Justin, this is Josh.”

“J and J!”  He explodes as he raises his hand for a high five. I snarl back at him in disgust and I don’t even budge.

“I’ve already got my J partner, bro.”

He looks at Jen with a perplexed expression and takes a step back. Switching his attention back to me, he says, “What’s your pro-.”

“Don’t come at me with that tone, boy. Shut your mouth and go drive my car!” I interject. I don’t usually start problems, but ladies love a protective man. Suddenly, a balding white man, wearing a black dress shirt tucked into black dress pants, storms out of the restaurant.

“Is there a problem here?” he bursts out.

Before I can explain my issue with the rude valet driver, Jen declares, “Everything is fine. We were just going inside. She hastily walks into the restaurant as the tall wooden door is held open for her by an employee. I do the same, staring down the frustrated valet driver the entire way inside. The powerful air conditioning of the restaurant cools my skin.

“Those breadsticks though!” I blurt out as I deeply inhale and rub my hands together.

Quickly spinning around to face me, Jen snaps, “What the hell was that about?”

I slightly hold my arms out and shrug my shoulders. “What? You don’t like breadsticks?”

The small gold golden cross around her neck sways as she stomps her heel on the marble floor. “Not the breadsticks! You were such a dick to Justin for no reason.”

“Dude dropped my keys…plus he was looking at you like you like a starving man looking at a plate of my famous Cordon Bleu.”

Jen lowers her eyebrows and shakes her head at me.

“Name?” calls out the stunning hostess. 

Trying everything in my power not to look at her large breasts, I confidently reply, “Josh, party of dos.”

“Wait…the Josh from Royal Cruises?” She monotonously inquires.

I raise one eyebrow. “Yep, that’s me. No autographs though, please. I’m on a date.”

Seductively turning back at Jen, I give her a quick wink.

“Okay…I’ll show you to your table.” She says as she grabs two menus from the counter. Discretely, I pass her the fifty dollars that I had previously promised to pay her to refer to me as “The Josh from Royal Cruises.” 

I go to put my arm around Jen, but she quickly steps to the side. She’s playing hard to get.

“So…I’m sure you’re wondering why that chick asked for my John Hancock.”

“Not really.” She mutters. I wonder why she has such an attitude.

“Why do you have such an attitude?” I ask.

“Are you seriously asking me that?”

Jumping into the conversation, the hostess uncomfortably adds, “Here’s your table. Your waitress will be with you shortly.” She places our rectangular black menus on the table and speedily returns to her stand. Watching Jen as she sits down and lays her small black bag on the table, I notice that she seems a bit distressed. Have I not been as smooth as possible?

“What’s wrong, Jen?” I ask as I sit down in my chair.

She slides her red, cushioned chair back and takes a seat. The royal blue dress she’s wearing amplifies her elegance. I gaze up into her green eyes. Her dark red lipstick contrasts the fairness of her skin beautifully.

“I just thought you weren’t so…rude.” She says before letting out an anxious laugh. Rude? All I’ve been trying to do is impress her since we met…why am I so bad at this?

She inquisitively stares at my face. 

“Uh…are…are you crying?” She stammers.

Trying my best to conceal my sniffling, I burst out with a boisterous laugh; then quickly wipe my eyes with my orange shirt sleeve?”

“Crying!? Me!? I just caught a lash right on the ball. NBD.”

“What?”

“It means no big deal, Baby. The opposite of yours truly.”

I know what you’re thinking, that was smoother than the smoothest silk ever sewn. Yet, to my surprise, she just quietly replies, “Oh.”

What’s a guy got to do to arouse a woman these days? After sitting in awkward silence for almost 10 seconds, I blurt out, “You want to see a trick!?”

“Sure.” She states as she taps her straw against the white tablecloth to remove the wrapping. With an excited grin on my face, I grab the salt and a stick of butter from the center of the table.

“So…back in my college days, I used to conduct experiments in order to find a way to easily heat up food for people in third world countries.”

“Really? That’s pretty cool.”

Raising one eyebrow, I say, “Yeah.”

I then lower my alluring brow, shake some salt onto the butter, and continue on.

“Anyways, I found that a combination of sodium chloride, AKA “salt” in dumb dumb language, and lactose from the butter produced an exothermic reaction. This means that it produced heat.” 

Holding my hand out to the salted stick of butter, I insist, “Check it out for yourself.”

Jen gazes at me with a skeptical look in her eye. “That’s really impressive.”

She bats her long eyelashes with a gorgeous grin across her face, and moves her hand toward the butter. A flash of anticipation gleams in my eye. C’mon…almost there. Wait for it…wait for it. Just when her palm hovers directly above the butter, I hilariously slam her hand down into it.

“Gotcha!”

I burst out laughing; but, strangely, Jen doesn’t think it’s funny at all.

“Are you serious!?” she snaps as she tugs her hand away.

Barely constraining my laughter, I comment, “You totally fell for it.”

“I think I’m going to go.” She announces.

I helplessly watch her grab her purse with frustration written all over her face.

“Don’t go!” I shout as I jump in front of her. Everyone in the restaurant stops what they’re doing.

“Please don’t do this.” She implores with her face as red as a strawberry.

She steps left, so I step left. She steps right, so I step right too.

“C’mon Jen…it was just a joke.”

“This is so embarrassing. Everyone’s watching!”  She whispers.

I look at her and then I gaze around at all of the curious eyes, glaring at me from different tables. Raising one eyebrow, I connect with Jen’s green eyes and confidently state, “Fine…If they want to watch us…then I’ll give them a f*****g show.”

Her pretty eyes widen as I leap onto our table. She, along with dozens of other people gasp in shock. Some laugh; and others look really pissed.

Clearing my throat, I proclaim, “Hey everybody, I have an announcement to make!”

The room goes silent. I point down at Jen and continue, “This beautiful woman, who I am forever grateful to have dinner with tonight, fills me with such a surreal feeling of elation. Out of all of the stars, she is my sun. She is the light to my darkne-.”

Suddenly, I notice Jen turning to leave. Luckily, a crowd of people has formed and blocks the way to the exit. She must be too shy to handle all of this breathtaking romance. I’ve never seen such a combination of beauty and humbleness in anyone. I think that I’m in love.

Leaping down from the table, I approach Jen. She turns around to face me; and, when she opens her mouth to say something, I drop down on one knee.

Gasps of joy and excitement resonate throughout the crowd. Jen looks completely stunned…she must be so happy. I bet she wasn’t expecting this at all.

Gazing up at her, with one eyebrow raised, I propose.

“Jen, you’re truly the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I-.”

Abruptly cut short, AGAIN, my proposal is hindered by the cacophonous ringing of a fire alarm. Sprinklers from the ceiling spray everyone, causing an outbreak of chaos. Still on one knee, I watch Jen disappear into a hurrying mob of people who really don’t want to get wet right now.

Rushing to the exit, I shout, “Jen!”

I’m blockaded by a wall of bodies. I jump up and down to see over the crowd, but still no sight of Jen. Being almost the last one out of the restaurant after two chaotic minutes, I eventually make it to the outside parking lot. I immediately scan the area for Jen. Where the hell is she? All of a sudden, I feel something strike me in the forehead.

“Ow!”

I instantly look up to see Jen leaving the parking lot in the passenger’s side of a red corolla.

“Hope you enjoyed the shower, b***h!” shouts that b*****d, Justin, from the driver’s seat.

I heatedly rush out into the middle of the street as they drive away. I fall down to my knees in despair. Shaking my tightly clenched fists in the air, I howl, “DAMN YOU, JUSSSSTTTIIINNNNN!!!”

You may have won this time, Justin; but you’ve just started a war with the wrong man. My smooth moves and unmatchable wit is enough to ruin you, even without my undeniable strength. I will take you down for wrecking my proposal; and then I’ll win Jen’s heart…you’ll see. You’ll all see.