Ana's Dreams

I like mommy best. Mommy is nice. Daddy is mean. I love him, too, but he hits me. Hard. He hits Mommy, too. When Daddy hits me, I go somewhere else. The tree trunks a pink, and the leaves are purple! The bunnies talk there, and there's a baby elephant named Ellie! Ellie is nice, and so are the bunnies, but they always make me leave. They say I can't stay yet. They said yet, though! Maybe one day Mommy and Daddy and I could go there and everyone will be happy! I would like that.
When I come back, I'm in my bed, and Mommy is there, and she looks really worried. When I open my eyes ask her what wrong, she just looks happy. I like making Mommy happy. I tell her all about the wondrous adventures Ellie and I had, but she doesn't say anything. I hope Mommy doesn't hate Ellie!
"Ana! Janet!" Daddy is yelling at me and Mommy to come into the dining room for dinner. He sounds mad. Did I do something wrong? Why is he mad at me again? Is he going to hit me? I hope he doesn't hit me! I run into the dining room as quickly as I can. I slip and fall, right in front of Daddy.
"Ana!" He says, anger seeping from his voice, "What did I tell you about running inside?!!"
My knee hurts. I look at it and see that I'm bleeding. I must have scraped my knee on the carpet. Oh no! The carpet! I try to cover up the bloody spot before Daddy sees it, but it's too late.
"Is that... Blood?" He start to yell, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get blood out of carpet?! Do you!!?" Daddy hits me. Again. Again. Again. I start to cry. Mommy comes in.
"Erik!" She shrieks, and stands in between me and Daddy, "Stop it!" Everything starts to fade to black, and I see Daddy start hurting Mommy again. She just stands and takes it, keeping distance between Daddy and I. Why doesn't she move?

I can see again. Ellie is there. I don't hurt anymore. I'm not bleeding anymore.
"Want to go play?" Ellie says, cheerfully.
"Yes!" I happily agree, "You're my best friend, Ellie!" We play together for hours. I like playing with Ellie.
"You... have to go now," Ellie says, sadly.
"Ok... Can I come back next time?" I ask Ellie. She says yes, and I start to see my room again. "Bye, Ellie!"

There's a loud bang. More loud bangs, and a scream. Daddy come into my room. He has the big loud thingy he uses when he goes hunting. He aims it at me. I start to question this, but then I hear another loud bang. I hurt. I hurt a lot. Everything goes black, quickly this time.

Ellie is here. Mommy is here, too! Ellie says I never have to leave ever again! I hug mommy, and then go to play with Ellie. I wonder for a moment where Daddy is, but the though soon fades away as Ellie tags me.
"You're it!" She tells me gleefully, then darting away.
I chase after her, saying, "Not for long!"

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

Well done - I think this is great! You have really found the voice of the little girl and she is very believable. The idea of escaping into the fantasy world is very well done. It's not exactly a happy ending but perhaps life with mum and ellie is as believable as 'heaven'. I will look forward to reading more.
Would you like to read my prose poem 'Serendib Land of Jewels' It is based on the real experiences of a Sri lankan lady during the tsunami as told to my 18 year old daughter who had just arrived to do voluntary work.
Thanks, Alan

[Ember Smyth]

I'll go read it now, and thanks for the review!

[Jqckson]

Go to hell you little s**t

[Kuro]

It's interesting but it could be made better. I agree, that the addition of stream of consciousness would be welcomed.

[ValBonScallon]

Very interesting piece. I especially like the dissociation of the child as you wrote it, and of course the stoic mother.

The one thing I might suggest is adding a bit of stream of consciousness (ala writers like William Faulkner) writing in on the part of the child when the violence happens and she dissociates. Stream of consciousness writing throws the reader a bit off balance too, but in a good, way; a way that immerses them more in the story. I think it would make her psychosis that was imparted by the abusive father more real too.

Great piece.

[Ember Smyth]

Thank you for your review!

[Kuro]

ValBonScallon makes a good case.I agree with his analysis regarding the addition of stream of consciousness writing. Overall it was interesting to read.