Ophelia's Home for the Forgotten: Rewritten & Revised

Ophelia's watch buzzes. It can wait a second, she just has to get the children eating before she leaves.
"Amelia! Carson! Raymond!" Ophelia called, "Ally! Sahalia! Maddie! Lunch is ready!" She did have three more triplets, but their parents had died the other day and came to pick them up.
Carson and Raymond come running down the stairs like elephants, and Ally and Sahalia follow soon after.
"Amelia! Maddie!" Ophelia calls once more. They still don't come. "You four stay, and don't eat anything until we are all here," She tells them and then walks up the stairs.
Ophelia reaches for the door knob of the the girls' room when she reaches of the stairs, only to find it locked. "You two had better unlock this door right now!"
"We're not decent!" Two giggling voices call out simultaneously.
"It's the middle of the afternoon, certainly you must be decent!"
"Ok, ok, we'll come out!" The door lock clicks and opens, and Ophelia is greeted by two bright red heads.
"What... did you do... to your hair?" Ophelia asks, alarmed.
"Well, we were trying to-" Maddie starts, but is then cut off.
"That's not permanent, is it?" Ophelia interrupts.
"Yeah, isn't it great?" Amelia suggests.
"Great? Your parents are going to kill us all! Well, they would, if we weren't already dead, but you get my point!" Ophelia yells, "We have to get that out right now! Right now! How did you even get red dye? We have to get that out now!"
Ophelia's watch buzzes for the second time, signaling that she is late. "Great, I'm late now! I need to go pick up some second graders on a field trip to the aqarium. This is not over. Have this out before I get back!" She rushes down the stairs and out the door.

Ophelia gets there just as the disaster is ending. The school bus flips over as a result of bumping into other cars. Then there's the putrid smell of gasoline, and a spark. The whole pile-up explodes.
Ophelia sees her friend, Katiana, observing. Katiana runs the family inn in Maple Run. There, she houses the ghosts' of dead families until they are ready to move on. Ophelia runs the orphanage, where she houses the ghosts' of dead children until their parents die. When the parents die, they pick up their children and usually go to Katiana's inn.
"Kati!" Ophelia calls over to her friend.
"Ophelia, I told you not to call me that!" Katiana responds and then walks over to her friend. "Who are you here for?"
"A school bus of second graders. You?"
"A family on a road trip to the beach. I'll probably let them have a little free time before I take them to the inn,"
"I was planning on taking my second graders to the aquarium to take their minds off the fact they just died, and since they're right next to each other, maybe you could come with me while you let them have free time?"
"That sounds great, Ophelia! Well, I'd better go get my family. Bye!"
"Bye, Katiana!"
By the time they finish their conversation, all the emergency responders have arrived. The fire department, ambulances, the police, everyone. Ophelia steps over the debris until she reaches the bus. She steps in through a hole in the wall of the bus and stares at the charred remains. Ophelia steps over to the one boy closest to her.
A look of dread plastered onto his body, fear in his eyes. She grabs his hand, pulling his soul out of his body. He's still screaming at first, but eventually calms down. He looks around, suprised, then into Ophelia's friendly eyes. He doesn't say anything. She does this for each of the children, until they're all freed. Ophelia looks outside and sees Katiana waiting outside with the family.
"Who's ready to go to the aquarium?" Ophelia asks in a friendly tone, and soon enough, reluctant cheers erupt throughout the children. Ophelia smiles as she guides them out of the bus. Another job well done.

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

Good Ember. I can really see whats going on now! It's a great idea to play around with. i've found myself that it's always good to go back over work and also getting an outside review always picks up stufff that you can't see yourself.
Funnily enough the piece that i have just uploaded is about a similar theme - would you like to read it?
Well done.
Alan
Ps I did notice a couple of slips - end of first para should read 'out the door' and in the second para I think it should be 'family Inn in'

[Ember Smyth]

Thanks, I'll read it, and thanks again! :D