A sign

A sign

A Poem by Daniel Gardner
"

What do you notice about someone or something?

"
It starts as a glance
A twinkle in the eye
A extended star that makes your heart stop
Even a beautiful song on the lips and tongue
A simple Hello that stops you cold

Is it true could it be
Is she
Or maybe he
Your lungs collapse
Your lips run dry

Day turns to night
Now you're floating in the stars
You never thought she would notice
Or maybe you never thought he would notice

Your legs buckle as he draws near
You knees knock has She glides gracefully toward you
Your body screams hallelujah
Your minds yells to flee

She is so close now
He is almost near
Five more steps till he is in front of me
Four more strides and she may kill me
Your heart is beating so fast
But time is so slow

Oh god don't let me die
Three more
Two More
Oh lord one more

Your breathing stops
Your heart beats no more
You feel as if your falling
Along way to the floor

Everything is frozen
Except Him
Except Her
She walks by to another guy
He walks by to another girl

Reality comes crashing down
They hug and chat
You fell like a jack
You compose yourself and turn away

Just another day
A finger taps you on the shoulder
You yelp in fear
Hope know one hears

She giggles
He smiles
"Your in my class?" he asked
"We have biology together" she says
"Wanna walk together"
"Can you walk with me?"

"By the way this is my sister"
"By the way this is my brother"

You feel so free
You feel so sick
But you smile
And you walk way
With her
With him

Thank God
That he
That she
Noticed your signs


© 2016 Daniel Gardner



Author's Note

Daniel Gardner
I have been stuck by the muse flu. I may never recover!!

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Reviews

OK, aspiring writer, you're on paper. Don't disparage yourself, though, in your profile or in comments that accompany the poems. I haven't looked at your stories/chapters and probably won't since I can't quite manage the serial nature of those things, but poetry, ahhh, poetry, I read, I review, I comment, I'm blunt, I'm honest.
As far as this poem goes, I'd say wonderful start. There are way too many grammatical and typographical things going on, though, so I suggest you do a bit of editing (things like 'a extended' and 'knees knock has She...' and 'the he' and so on throughout). There are a lot of pronoun shifts: I like the he/she thing (very effective presentation), but at the onset you're talking about you/your then you shift to me, then back to you/your (this doesn't count the quotations toward the end where the shift to me/my is very appropriate - it only applies the the 'voice' the 'person' in the poem). Then. I'd see if there are any distractors (unessential lines that don't push the story forward) - the most obvious here the lines 'By the way this is my sister' and 'By the way this is my brother.' These don't add anything, but more likely interfere with the progress of the poem. On the strong side, there is great give and take between the hypothetical people in the poem and a decent narrative, helping the reader to understand what's going through their minds. The short lines work well, not only for the conversations being had, but in setting the time and place of the poem (teens tend to talk in sound bites nowadays). Very nice work, but needs a bit of polishing.


Posted 7 Years Ago


This is so wonderful, I enjoyed reading this write.
Amazing write!

Posted 7 Years Ago


This is very good. You conveyed the emotions of the characters very well, specially in the first half. Well done :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


this is really good. makes you see both side. and it's easily identifiable and relatable.

Posted 7 Years Ago


beautiful

Posted 7 Years Ago


Captivating! I love the structure of it. Especially the way you wrote from both perspectives. I definitely identified with your characters though. :)

Only corrections I have are a few grammatical & spelling errors, but I'm sure you already know that.

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on April 4, 2010
Last Updated on November 24, 2016
Tags: love, hope, girls, boys, men, women

Author

Daniel Gardner
Daniel Gardner

Monroe, GA



About
I'm an inspiring writer that has a million and ten thoughts running through his head all day. I joined this site because my wife inspired me to. I was not prepared for the thoughts to jump out so much.. more..

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