Watching

Watching

A Poem by Dani California

 

  I’m watching the clock,

Tick tock,

The clock,

As seconds forward bound. 

 

I’m watching my fears,

For years,

My fears,

Keep hindered solid ground. 

 

I’m watching my love,

Void of,

Your love, 

Is lacking heartfelt sound. 

 

I’m watching my death,

No breath,

In death,

Soul’s final freedom found.

 

 

 

 

 


© 2008 Dani California



Author's Note

Dani California
I am not an experienced structured form writer, nor am I experienced at writing formulas. This is actually an experiment for me. The formula I created for this poem is stated below.

4 stanzas
Syllable pattern as follows:

5//1-2-1-1; 2//1-1; 2//1-1; 6//1-2-2-1

Rhyme pattern:

I am currently trying to figure out/learn how to write a proper formula for rhyme patterns;
In the meantime, the following is more of an explanation (or directions)
than it is a formula:

Same last words, lines: 1/3; 5/7; 9/11; 13/15
Rhyme: Ending word lines 1/ 2/3 of each stanza; last word lines 4/8/12/16

It's a tad dark, but this was really about the form writing, plus a little variety doesn't hurt ... :-D

Okay, so tell me what you think..

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Featured Review

i feel most alive confronting death, jim morrison,,,,, that came to my head as soon as i read this..... death is are only true friend in the end... love is at the piont a figment of our imagination and that is so , because we die alone. watching the clock ,, yeah i like that , waiting for death, wanting to expierance it, taste it, smell it... i like this poem,,, i do alot.... damn california this one is real good

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

You know me, a hater of conformity but this is really good. I like it lots. Variety is always a pleasant experience in my book; besides the darkness becomes you :) I can't pick out one favorite line, it's all good.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

i feel most alive confronting death, jim morrison,,,,, that came to my head as soon as i read this..... death is are only true friend in the end... love is at the piont a figment of our imagination and that is so , because we die alone. watching the clock ,, yeah i like that , waiting for death, wanting to expierance it, taste it, smell it... i like this poem,,, i do alot.... damn california this one is real good

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

You are a true poet/poetess...These are real poems and the formulas you use and work with are not an easy task. They take a lot of hard work. Another well done piece.

Art

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Wow. I think, no matter the subject matter, this is really truly beautiful. Great job, Dani....

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like it and I agree that you did great with the structure. The message is strong. This might be just me, but the third stanza is a little off.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like the form here....like bouncing off each word, reflecting
everything back to the main source of the poem. Good job D:).

AD

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I love this poem! Just as it is linked with a clock, it's almost like you planned each verse, because it sounds so unnerving. You know, that feeling of annoyance and fright, when you are sleeping at night and the only sound in the background is the 'tick tock' of your clock? Your poem reminded me of that. So well done on conveying such a great amount of feelings in such a short poem. It goes to show that its not quantity, but quality.

Simply amazing! Well done!

Luke

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Find a form, not a formula. That is the key to amazing original work. With a form you can paint anything that comes to your mind. I enjoyed the poem, keep writing and find a form that you enjoy.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I am not a poet and know nothing of counts and meter.. i think the poem speaks fir itself and say so much in those few lines. A dark reality it seems and we all one here and there.

Chloe
xoxo

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

that's pretty darn good for someone who doesn't know it. I couldn't do that, too hard and I have enough problems writing to begin with. I'm fascinated by the direction, dark is normally not your direction. In any case your writing is well done.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on September 7, 2008
Last Updated on September 9, 2008

Author

Dani California
Dani California

CA



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