Too Much Tuna

Once in a while bits of stray dialogue seem to fall out of the sky and land in my journal while I'm planning to write about other things. This was one of those. It left before turning into something bigger.

 

“It’s not the right stuff, you know.”

 

“Huh?” I don’t know how you would react if your cat suddenly spoke to you after thirteen years of silence and only the occasional “meow”. I jumped, and then I looked around to see who was playing pranks on me.

 

“You’re human, but I know you’re not that  dumb. Down here. There you go.”

 

In retrospect it was obvious that the cat was speaking. They have different vocal cords, after all, and when a cat talks it simply doesn’t sound human. It’s not a voice a human could even imitate without a lot of study and practice. Unless you’ve encountered it before, though, you’re bound to experience a moment’s puzzlement before that realization hits you. My bewilderment actually lasted several moments. I plead overwork. It was late on a Friday evening, after all, and my job that week had been hell.

 

“Uh, what’s not right?” I finally stammered.

 

“The food. It’s never been right.”

 

“You don’t like it?”

 

“I like it, but it’s not the right thing, not at the right time.”

 

“Now I’m really confused.”

 

“It’s like this,” said Mr. Whipple. “I want salmon tonight, but you gave me tuna.”

 

“I thought you liked tuna.”

 

“I do, but I had tuna last night. Don’t you ever get tired of eating the same thing? I know you do. I watch you. You eat Chinese food one night, then Italian, maybe Indian after that, and the next night you have a cheeseburger. If I offered you a cheeseburger when you were hungry for Thai food, would you be happy?”

 

“Well, no. I guess not. But how was I supposed to know? I mean, we’ve lived together all this time and you’ve never spoken before now.”

 

“Lady, how obvious do I have to be? Pacing and rubbing against your shins doesn’t work, you just think I’m being cute. So, I figured I had to learn to speak your language since you obviously weren’t smart enough to understand mine. It’s taken me years of listening, of secretly practicing in front of the mirror and the television, to finally get to where I could do this. I’ve had to overcome all kinds of differences in thought patterns and physiology  -- all so I can ask you to please give me salmon tonight instead of tuna. So, how about it?”

 

“How about what?”

 

“The salmon! Sheesh.”

 

“Oh. Yeah. All right, since you’ve asked so politely.”

 

I opened a can of salmon and started to dump it onto a paper plate as usual. Then I reached for a good bowl instead. Hell, if Mr. Whipple was going to go to all that trouble just to ask me for a salmon dinner, the least I could do was serve it in some nice china.

 

 

Reviews

[ljc]

Funny and twisted reminds me of a Lewis Caroll take. Enjoyed the read.

[Samuel Dickens]

My oldest sister, who gives an all new meaning to the term "cat person" would be rolling in the floor at this. Then again, maybe she wouldn't because all of her cats probably tell her what they want for supper. Just don't let kitty know about the fresh salmon, Daryl, or you may have to have canned ravioli for dinner.

[Mark D. Chevalier]

LMAO!
Mr. Whipple! Classic Daryl.
What a wonderful little story. It catches you off guard and throws you into a place where you have to make adjustments mentally to keep up. I love it when a story does that to me. Very jazzy and incredibly imaginative. I love when I find something on this site that I haven't heard before. You never dissapoint!
Be well.
M

[MarilynJay]

XD That's really funny and cute! Lol. It makes sense with a cat, too - more than with other animals. Cats are awesome. I like the tone of your dialog - the matter-of-fact way that they're speaking as if was perfectly natural. Good for him - he got some Salmon! Very amusing :).

[THERISA]

Love this story and the humourous way that you've written in. If more cats like Mr Whipple were to speak, i wonder what the world would be like. Probably be less tuna in the sea. Thank you for sharing this charming short story with us.

Therisa