Ashvatta

 

With the morning mist comes a new day

It makes me shiver, and in the wind I sway.

The clouds drift away

And I embrace my love, as the last day.

 

He makes me shimmer, in green, yellow and gold.

He shelters me from darkness, wet and cold

He makes me stretch my arms and grow

Without him, none of my colours would show,

In the darkness I would wither, and fold.

Stay with me my love, and let's grow old

 

He listens to me still,

Strokes my arms, and rids my chill.

He whispers to me, and lets the bird sing,

A beautiful hymn on my shimmering skin.

 

Dance for me on the ground where you are bound

Dance, and forever stay crowned

My queen of the forest.

 

Author's Note

Two varieties of the fig (called Ashvatta in Sanskrit), the banyan tree and the peepal tree are the most revered in the Indian tradition, and both are considered the trees of life.

Reviews

[Clockwork]

I like the premise of the piece. I think that it has some good images, and memorable lines. There are a few rough spots though. I think that line three in stanza one is a little out of place in its length. I also think that the rhyme in the beginning of stanza three is a little forced and takes away from the solid verses that were built till than. All in all a solid enjoyable piece.

[Aidan]

Your use of language and imagery is thick and complex; you've crafted a very evocative and sensual piece here. However, I can agree with Clockwork's observation that the rhyming feels a bit stretched in places; particularly in the third stanza. I also think that there's some interesting things going on with gender here, as well. It may be my own interpretation, but I got the sense that the two figures were both male; I was a bit thrown off by the line "My queen of the forest". All in all - I really, really enjoyed this piece.

[David Darabian]

Thanks! It didn’t turn out the way I'd wanted and it sure needs some polish. Glad that you liked it and I appreciate your honesty. The poem is about the love between nature (tree of life) and the sun

[Aidan]

Of course! I really enjoyed the way it did turn out. I'm not too familiar with Indian Mythology, but it really makes for an interesting interpretation. I look forward to reading more of your work.

[A]

Great poem! I really like the imagery and the poem seems as though it would be spoken softly. :)

Great writing!