The Minds Eye Chapter Six

 

Chapter 6
Movers and shakers;

  ”They’re not doing enough,” exclaimed Garrett Marshall slamming his fist on the mahogany table for emphasis. Sitting back in his oversized chair he waited for one of his guests to speak.
  
  Earlier Garrett took it upon himself to call a few of the more prominent households in the town and invite them to a meeting at his home to discuss the events of the past few days and what they could do to help. Of course it was a rare occasion for him to invite anyone to his home. He trusted no one and lived his life according to that. He knew the others would be tempted by the invite and show up eager to hear what it was he had to say. Seven faces now stared at him in a mix of disbelief and confusion.

  Garrett, usually a calm and calculating man, never let emotion get to him. Very rarely did any in the room see him in a state other than absolute calm and control. This night however he was anything but, they could see in him the nervousness, the anger, and the sheer lack of control. His reasons for being in this shape were just, he had just lost his son. Still, each of his seven guests stared at him in a new light; secretly they relished this weakness in him. To them this event could be the breaking point for him and the doorway for one of them to take his place.

  ”Donald” Garrett snapped.
  
  ”You lost your son. Don’t you want justice for him? Don’t you want this kid taken down?”  

  Sitting up in his chair Donald Cartwright fixed the only man in town that had more power and money than he with an icy stare. He had to be careful. His words had to be just right. Garrett was a cruel callous man whose eyes always sought a soft spot for the proverbial knife. It wouldn’t be beyond him to have called this meeting just to find a pawn for whatever scheme he had cooked up. To him, everyone in the room was a target, most of all Donald himself.

  Garrett had lost his only son. Unable to have more, his immortality ended with Derrick. Power was what he hoarded and soon, as age came, it would inevitably slip away. Then the Cartwright’s would be the most powerful family in Cameron. Donald knew that Garrett would never allow this to happen if he could stop it. Clearing his throat, Donald spoke softly though all in the room heard his words.

  ”Yes Garrett, all of us here know of Terry and your only son being murdered.”

  The twitch in Garrett’s eye, noticed by only himself, let Donald know his words had inflicted the wound the meant them to. He continued.

  ”Also, friend,” the word tasted like bile on his tongue. “It would do you best in the future not to question my love for my family. Of course I want this kid to be brought to justice. The police are doing what they can. A curfew has been instated, the streets are patrolled regularly, and Davis’ oldest informs us of every move Detective Burstow makes. What more do you wish them to do? Declare marshal law?”

Author's Note

Again unfinished

Reviews

[Susan S.]

The Minds Eye Chapter Six |


I had a hard time with chapter 1. I still can't see why it is in there. There isn't any real movement in the plot until the middle of chapter 2. I realize you wanted to show the reasons why Brian is doing what he's doing, but the readers don't know that. To them it's just a story about a kid with a loopy but caring mother and a cadre of kids who pick on him. It's boring because they were hoping for a mystery--a who-done-it. That is what you call it. All of the information in 1 should be interspersed throughout the rest of the chapters so that people don't just get this great big chunk of background right up front.

The relationship between his mother and him is too cordial for what happens later. While there are some women with that foul of a mouth, on the whole women are much, much more prone to express their loathing in more creative ways. Also, if she loathed her son that much, there would have been indications of it throughout his life that would have made him feel unloved. Children are EXTREMELY perceptive about emotions in their parents. A baby, if it feels unloved by it's parents will actually fail to thrive. One more thing and I'll get off the subject of the mom. Women who have been raped and decide to keep their child don't hate them for it. That's more a product of hollywood than reality. I worked at an organization who helped pregnant women in need and never ran across a case that was otherwise.

In chapter four you have Derick doing nothing when the knife goes through his feet and hand. Derick has spent three days a week in the gym. He has a rock hard, finely chiseled body. You can't spend that time and look that good without making pain your friend. True, it's a different type of pain, but he should have been able to at least fight back some. If he does crumble in the parking lot, why is he then fighting back in the field? He's not holding true to form.

Twice you alluded to girls having a relationship of sorts with Brian, but there is never a reason given why either of them gave up. The fact that it looked like Brian enjoyed the sessions with Vy is in direct opposition to his snubbing her the next year. Vy enjoyed them too. I can't figure out why Vy gave up on him either.

I can see you have a problem with "to" and "too". If you think of "too" having more "o"s you can differentiate between then. Thus "to old to find love" you can see that "to old" can be interpreted as "older" or "more old" so you know it should read "too old to find love" I hope that helps.

"twitch in Garrett's eye, noticed by only himself" This line confused me. It didn't seem like you meant that only "Garrett" noticed it, but that is what you said. In this section I had hoped I would have heard why Derick had changed so much so quickly when with Vy. I guess you do to a certain extent. He is acting like his dad does toward a mate, but that doesn't explain why he turns mean to the rest of the world at the same time.

Now after all that, I think you'll have a good working style if you can get a handle on your descriptions being overly long. The story line needs a little work, but not as much as i've seen in some published books. You're heading in the right direction. Keep it up!