The First Bag

The emotions that a patient goes through after he has been told that his cancer is too far along to treat and he subsequently begins his first round of palliative chemotherapy.

It was as though they had been waiting for me to arrive. They all stood in the entrance smiling in my direction. Why were they smiling? They don’t know what I am going through. Is it just another vain attempt to make me feel at ease? How dare they think that a simple smile will appease my mind. I know what they are going to do; I’ve heard the stories, I’ve seen the movies. I know just enough to be scared. I am scared. I need to stop, its not their fault.

My heart pump viciously as they directed me to the scale. Why do they need to do this again, I’ve been weighed a thousand times already. Is it just to humiliate me? Everything I ingest is rejected and ends up on the floor. I doubt that anyone could weigh a normal amount living like this. It doesn’t matter, I’m too weak to argue with them anyway, I’m just tired of this routine. Why don’t they know that? I’m sure I am not the only one that feels this way. How can they be so cruel, so incompetent and inconsiderate? I need to stop, it's not their fault.

My hands are clammy just thinking about the poison they are about the pump into my veins. They showed me the video; the people smiling, talking about how they can continue to live their lives with this disease. Do they think this helps? I know they're just actors, none of them know what I am going through. How dare they show this to me? I know there are others like me, it does not change the fact that I am dying and the only cure is to poison my body. I need to stop, it's not their fault.

My throat closed up as the nurse pierced my skin with the sharpened needle. I should be used to this, ever since this started my arms look like that of a heroin addict. I should have done heroin instead. I would feel less pain now being filled with the numbing sensation of narcotics. I am dying and they know it. Even the doctors said it was too late. The nurse tries again to find my vein. Damn this nurse, why can’t they ever stick it the first time, why isn’t she good at her job? My veins withered they said, I am dehydrated they said. What did they expect? Even water burns my throat after the radiation. These idiots, they don’t know. I need to stop, it's not their fault.

I see the piss colored liquid inside the transparent bag, the first of many. But how many will my body endure? I know what comes after the liquid. The vomit, the hair loss, neuropathy, impotence, the list goes on. I feel the burning in my eyes just thinking about the side effects. I have been too familiar with these burning tears. And here comes the nurse. No, don’t give me that patronizing look of pity. Don’t pat me on the shoulder. You don’t know what I am going through. I won’t see my family again, they won’t see me. I am too old to be pitied, but, I am too young to die. I am too young to die. It is not their fault, It is mine.

Author's Note

I wrote this for a contest while at work. I was inspired by how a few of my patients have told me they felt during their first round of chemotherapy. 2/15/17 I've made some edits after some suggestions (fix grammar, less questions).

Reviews

[Manu]

I loved this piece a lot for its originality, this is how a patient actually feels. It is easy to say everything is ok. It is easy trying to uplift the patients by some motivating words but reality is different and hard. I heard that it is very painful to go through that chemotherapy sessions, some feel dying is a better option than the therapy. Sickness makes people weak not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. You captured their feelings very nicely and accurately. This write kept me engrossed till the end, that's a sign of a good writing. Very nicely expressed.
Thanks for sharing this inspiring story, David.
Keep up the good work.

[David R Gonzalez]

thank you for taking the time to read this. I have spoken to a lot of patients and many of them choose chemotherapy only for their families sake. it is sad.

[Andrew Leister-Frazier]

This is bad. This is not a story, it is a long rumination. What does the reader learn from this? What is the entertainment from this experience? What is it about a story that makes it worth telling? What do you wish to share with people? Maybe it is better to share things like hope, love, audacity, insight, inspiration, humor, and cleverness.

[David R Gonzalez]

the story was supposed to give insight to the emotional turmoil that a person feels when presented with the terrible news of terminal cancer. While there is no hope, humor, or inspirations within the story itself, it is a form entertainment since it is supposed to be able to share an experience of a real person. It is supposed to distract the reader from their personal life to take part in something that they would not normally experience. People with terminal cancer often see their lives without the aforementioned things. As far as what makes the story worth telling, what makes any story worth telling? This is supposed to be determined by the reader. If the reader does not wish to read it or find out what the story has to offer then the story has nothing to worth telling. I am sorry it was not to your liking and thank you for your criticism. I will take these things into account in other writings.

[grey.eyes]

damn. this is deep. very well written, this really touched me, thank you for sharing

[David R Gonzalez]

Thank you for taking the time to read. I very much appreciate it.

[J.A. Blackwell]

This hit home for me... My grandmother passed away on Christmas Eve 2015. We were very close and I was the one who took her to the hospital for appointments and when she wasn't feeling well. I also was the one who had to call "pull the plug" when the nurses told me there was nothing else for them to do. I always wondered what her thoughts were when she couldn't speak but she was still there. Good job

[David R Gonzalez]

I am sorry for your loss. I have seen the turmoil that the family often goes through. Many times the loved ones are the ones that are affected most by cancer. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

[Pete]

i think this is very well written. very honest and real, perhaps too real. it evokes a very uncomfortable feeling in me. sad, sombre and sickening. aside from a few minor grammatical errors, i wouldn't change a thing. very effective at conveying what it is like. title is gripping and chilling. the wondering and waiting, not knowing the outcome while enduring torturous treatments ...

[David R Gonzalez]

Thank you for taking the time to read. I was going for reality. Sadly this is not far from the truth for many of my patients.

[Pete]

it made me feel like i was going through it myself, so you achieved your desired effect. it sucks (pardon my French).