Prologue

The beginning of the story, or at least the first draft.

May 15th, Thursday Night

From up here it looked peaceful. As Chiffon looked down at Brooklyn’s cityscape from her high place at the bridge, she lost herself in its warm embrace. She had been through a hard day, and the old bridge was her sanctuary; her den of solitude away from the harsh world. Through the moonlight, she could see her city buzzing with life; flashy neon lights and chrome cars, important-looking people scattered about, making their moves. The girl’s mind drifted off as she took it all in. The view was breathtaking; showing the dazzling spectacle that was the city. The allure put Chiffon’s mind at ease, and all her problems and harsh realities of the world seemed to melt away in insignificance as she observed the beauty below her. She could stay lost in the view for hours.

Suddenly it came, like lightning striking through the darkness of the night. Actually, more like a comet. Whatever it was it came. Chiffon gasped, staring up into the night sky as it came through, racing past the clouds. It was close. Much closer than a regular comet should be. She stared in awe, watching the ball of light fell from the sky like Satan from heaven, descending to the darkness. As it neared, the thought grabbed her mind; she certain it was now in Brooklyn. Her eyes followed its trail of light to the ground. A thunderous pound to the ground rang through Chiffon’s ears. It had just landed, at what seemed o be.

Chiffon’s teenage curiosity peeked as she stood on the alone bridge. What if it landed close by? What if it’s only like a mile away? How did no one else see that? Questions echoed in her thoughts. Without thinking, she began to walk. Walking in the direction where it fell. Walking blindly into the night. Slowly but surely, her walk turned to an anxious run and her mind made sense of the sight. It’s at the junkyard, she thought. Judging from what she saw in its landing, if the thing fell anywhere in Brooklyn it was at the nearby junkyard where she and her friends crept after school when they were little kids. Could there actually be a meteorite there? The suspense ate at her as she ran.

After a rough ten minutes of running through the night, the girl was standing before the gate to the metallic wasteland that was the junkyard. Chiffon took a moment to catch her breath as she peered through the gate. Through the still darkness, she could just barely make out blazing embers and puddles of fire all about the ground. She was right; it was here. With skills built up over years of experience, the girl hopped the fence with ease and proceeded to move swiftly. Quietly. This was crazy, she knew, but her curiosity couldn’t let her go home without seeing the meteorite. With only the moonlight and flames to guide her, she pressed on, seeing the familiar sites of colossal metal structures. Cars and vehicles of all kinds, broken girders, everything imaginable broken in some way, discarded into the technological graveyard.

She took her steps slowly, watching out, listening for something. Anything. Her nerves twisting anxiously, she trekked through the scene. Then she saw them, appearing out of the distance from seemingly nowhere. Shadowy figures nearby, marching intently.

“Secure the perimeter!”

“Pan out for rock fragments!”

Orders were barked through gas masks, between men in what what looked like futuristic military apparel, complete with brightly-lit night vision goggles mounted on their heads. Without thinking, she instinctively ducked behind a broken down van, peaking from the side to see what they were all running to. There it stood, enormous boulder halfway submerged in the ground, fresh from outer space and steaming profusely .

The costumed men clustered around it, holding up strange glowing devices. Then, with a stern voice the orders began. “Scan the area,” one said. “Make sure no one’s around.”

“Who’d be in a scrapyard in the middle of the night?” one of the men muttered as they spread out and about the junkyard, waving their flashlights and searching for any type of movement, swiftly marching through the dark like mindless robots on a mission. Chiffon’s heart pounded in her chest. She saw the trail of light from his eyepiece over the van, ducking down and praying that whoever was holding it didn’t see her. Her mind twisted with regret of being so curious.

“Nothing here.” they reported as they seemed to be leaving her general direction. The girl gave a sign of relief, leaning against the run down vehicle. Chiffon watched with locked eyes, tracing the paths of their goggles. Green spotlights hovered over the whole section of the scrapyard, scrutinously hunting for any trace of life. She remained as still and undetectable as possible, tensely slowing her breath and shaking in her clothes. After a few more minutes, Chiffon could see the goggles’ light trajectories averting from the vicinity, heading elsewhere to continue searching. She got to her feet as swiftly and quietly as she could, desperate to disappear from view. Then, the familiar song of her cell phone’s ring-tone blasted through her pocket.    

“There!”

She was a deer in the headlights, caught in the sights of the soldier-looking men as  she quickly tried to shut off her phone. She cursed under breath, feeling her heart skip a beat. After a second of thought, accompanied by the men’s flashlights blaring in her eyes, Chiffon turned, taking off without hesitation.

“Hey!”

“It’s a kid!”

“Get back  here!”

With the tech-suited chasing after, Chiffon raced through the junkyard as quickly as her legs could take her. Beelining to the gate, she was too afraid to check back over her shoulder. Who were these people? Chiffon wondered, fearing to imagine what would happen if they caught her. Their stomping and shouting tailing behind her gave her all she needed to know. Gasping for air as her heart pounded, Chiffon jumped up, clasping her hands around the gate for dear life. She climbed up as fast as she could, feeling the metal wires dig into her hands.

“Stop now!”

Why would I actually stop? Chiffon thought with less panic than before, successfully hopping the fence and taking off into the open street. Looking back for the first time, she saw her pursuers were only just reaching the gate. It surprised her; she was apparently faster than she remembered being. But still, she needed a plan; a way to get out quick. Tense with terror, she watched as they neared, reaching the ground and making their way for the road. From the corner of her eye, Chiffon saw her chariot to safety: the city bus rolling down the street. She looked back, confirming that her pursuers were too far behind to be seen by the bus driver.

“Yes!” she cried to herself as the bus approached. Digging out all the money in her pocket, she jumped onto the vehicle, nearly tripping up the stairs. The girl practically threw the change at the innocent man driving before running to the first open seat she saw. From the window, she saw the men approaching from the other side of the road, slowing down in acceptance of defeat as the bus took off.

Reviews

[Chris]

Pretty good start. There are some nice descriptions here, such as those in the beginning. I could picture things pretty well, and through these descriptions, I could get a sense of how Chiffon must be feeling. Like, in the beginning I could get a sense of the awe and the peace that Chiffon must be feeling, as well as the thrill and suspense during the time she was trying to stay hidden, and when she was running, from those soldiers.

For the most part, I thought the sentences flowed pretty well. The times they didn't were usually because of a missing word or phrase (I'm too lazy to point them out, sorry). Here are a few other spots where the flow seemed to become disrupted:

Her eyes followed its trail of light to the ground. A thunderous pound to the ground rang through Chiffon’s ears.

The repetition of "ground" sticks out a little too much. Try to reword one of the two sentences so that "ground" is used only once.


Questions echoed in her thoughts. Without thinking, she began to walk. Walking in the direction where it fell. Walking blindly into the night.

I understand what you are trying to do, and sometimes these kind of sentences could be effective, but the two beginning with "walking" stick out too much as fragments. And, honestly, they seem a little too dramatic. Maybe the second "walking" line could be kept, because there is an inkling of suspense there, but maybe combine the previous two sentences so that it's "walk in the direction it fell."


Then, the familiar song of her cell phone’s ring-tone blasted through her pocket.

I enjoyed a lot of the sentences that began with "then." For the most part, there was no problem with flow when they were used, and they were even effective in delivering that "punch," so to speak. This one, though, doesn't seem to work so well. First, the comma should be omitted. "Then" gets a comma only when it's used conversationally, not when it's used to say that something is happening next. Second, and the real reason I might be thinking it's not so effective, is that the sentence is a little too long for the "then"; because of it's length, the "then" can't provide that "punch." Of course, if you weren't looking to make the sentence that powerful, no problem. Just get rid of that comma. Otherwise, either try to condense it or maybe make it its own line. That could potentially look a little dramatic, but it would make the sentence stronger that way, if you wanted to leave the wording as is.


Looking at the beginning of the chapter alone, I like the descriptions in the first paragraph, and it does provide a nice entry into the story, but there isn't much of a hook there. Well, there is, but not until the second paragraph. My composition professor always emphasized the importance of starting off strong for *any* written work. I mean, since it only takes one paragraph to get to that hook, it's not that big of a loss, so you might be fine with keeping the beginning as is, but if you did want to make it stronger, consider trying to begin with the second paragraph. Or maybe if the chapter opened with Chiffon reflecting on that bad day she was supposedly having--you mention it in the first paragraph, but there isn't any detail on it--that might work. Then her sitting up on the bridge could still be kept while also providing something that can characterize her a little more.

As for the ending, it's pretty good. It leaves the reader curious about why those soldiers were chasing Chiffon for being there, not to mention there are the questions of who those soldiers are and of what that meteor was. Between those things, there's enough here to pique the reader's interest and prod them into reading further. The closing lines, though, aren't so strong. Just as it's important to open strong, a strong closing is also important, as it serves as the vehicle for carrying that interest over to the next chapter. Currently, the chapter ends with the conflict of the chapter being over, which is nice, and no doubt Chiffon will probably encounter the soldiers again, but, in that closing line, there isn't much suspense or anything to push the reader into turning the page. Try to come up with a closing that creates some kind of suspense--it doesn't have to be anything big or dramatic, but something to make the reader go, essentially, "Oh, something's going to happen. I wonder what?"

This might be a little hard to do, at least with the way it's currently written, since it looks like this is third person close/limited, but maybe try to describe Chiffon's appearance? Knowing a few details about it could provide a little characterization, particularly as far as her personality, if she's wearing anything unique or something. Also, maybe specify her age somewhere in the beginning? It's mentioned that she's a teen, but that could mean anything from 12 to 19.

Oh, and one more thing: be careful about semicolons. Semicolons should only be used to join two independent clauses, or clauses that can stand alone as their own sentence. There were a couple of instances where this wasn't the case, where a comma should have been used instead. For example:

She had been through a hard day, and the old bridge was her sanctuary; her den of solitude away from the harsh world. Through the moonlight, she could see her city buzzing with life; flashy neon lights and chrome cars, important-looking people scattered about, making their moves.

To test these two sentences, replace the semicolon with a period and read what's on either side of it. Looking at the first semicolon, the second clause can't stand alone as it's own sentence. This means the semicolon should be a comma. The same goes for the second semicolon use; the second clause can't properly stand alone. For this one, though, if you wanted to keep the semicolon, just put "were" before "scattered." That way it'll be a proper sentence.

But yeah, overall, a pretty good draft so far. The story sounds like it'll be interesting. :)

[amdc101]

There are a few minor errors, but those are easy to fix, just read it over, possibly out loud. I enjoyed it, I liked how you incorporated some description and things about your charactnwhile jumping into the action. It definitely held my attention.

[Mary]

It has a great voice to it. Your character development is great its hard to make a character come across as a real person but you ve done that very well with Chiffon.

[EMF]

I really like your style and process. Got me hooked, which is its intent. Real sweet job here. Looking forewawrd to reading more when I've more time

[shadow night]

i agre with Minki about the choppyness but besides that i enjoyed it and would like to read more

[Minki]

It's amazing, but you remind me of myself. If someone else were to read a certain story of mine next to this one, they would swear it was by the same writer. Very interesting. Anyway, a few parts of it are choppy, and I would suggest that you read it out loud to find the rough patches (any part where you find yourself tripping or sounding awkward). This random little girl is interesting and I'd like to know more about her.

[storiestotell]

This is awesome! Sucked me in and left me wanting more!!
100/100

[Louie]

I like the imagery and the story telling. I do think some of the flow could read better i.g." The strange men in black clustered around it, holding up weird, glowing devices. Then, the one apparently in charge lowered his and turned to the others. “Scan the area,” he said. “Make sure no one’s around.”"

I think it is a bit clunky in the transition with the use of "Then, the one ..."

That being said I would like to read the next chapter, this is a good into to the story.

[Raven Starhawk]

Definitely there is a charm about this that captivates as well as provokes images in the mind. You have a stunning piece here that spells something even I have trouble grasping at the moment as my mind is still working your details.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good introduction. You put a lot of story in the introduction. The story was fast paced and a lot of interesting situations. Remember with a introduction need some history and character building. I like the story lines in the story so far. I hope to read more.
Coyote