When You Love a Stranger

I have no idea how to deal with this. I have no way of release. All I want to do is go from two different levels of emotions, numb and despair. You broke my heart and I don’t think you know or care. You just decided not to deal with it. To let me ache and hurt while you go through life and not feeling anything. “I’ll never hurt you.” Is what you said. I knew you were saying physically, but when I looked in your eyes all I hoped was you meant it in every way possible. How can someone who always wanted me around, someone who craved my attention and presence just one day decide they were done with me. I didn’t do anything wrong. I only stood next to you. Cared about you. Answered your calls at any hour. Walked through the rain and the cold. Stood next to you when you lost yourself. I cried in front of you and you never noticed. I cried, myself to sleep and you didn’t care. I should have known better than to trust anyone with my heart. And the stupid thing is if you were to come to me and say, “I’m sorry I made a mistake”, or “sorry, I didn’t know how to handle this”, I think my dumb a*s will say it’s okay, because I care that much. I will never tell you how much I actually care. I will never tell you how much I feel. And I will never tell you how much this hurts. But you will see it all. In the way that I walk, talk, and look. I will be less warm. I will love with a cooler flame. I won’t look at you the same. My smile will not reach my eyes. I will never hold you the same way, if I even hold you again. My heart has broken, over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. And you just put the last stake into my heart. I never thought I would have to deal with such a situation that would cause so much trauma. I expected hurt and pain from the others. I expected for you to walk away. I was ready for you to leave, but not like this. Not this type of pain. Not the lies and the blunt disrespect you did. You completely ignored my hurt, when all I did was try to ease yours. All I did was try to love you with everything I had. With anyway I could. I never spoke it. I never said the tainted “L” word, but damn did I show it. I was in pain and hurt and I’d walk to you when I could barely walk. I was sick and cold, but I’d run to you to warm your heart and heal your suffering. I stood next to you when your demons came out. I laid next to you in your blackouts. I heard your slurs, your problems, your pain and the one time I needed you to ease my suffering you just… disappeared. You didn’t want to deal with it. You said it wasn’t a situation. You said there was nothing there, but when I wanted to talk, you ran. You’ve yet to say anything to me. You’ve yet to try to express concern. You knew this was going to happen. You knew it was going to hurt, and yet, you just let it hit me. You just let me hurt. You let me cry. At least the others showed remorse. You showed me nothing, and for that you are the most painful heartbreak I’ve ever felt. And we never were even together. I just loved a stranger.