Karen Fails The Class

Inspired by a nightmarish atmospheric science test. Release the penguins.

Karen nervously looked through the tiny window in the door, and saw her classmates all sitting down with papers in front of them. Swearing under her breath, she opened the door as quietly as she could and waded through all the coats and backpacks on the floor until she found her seat.

            As she fidgeted, struggling to find a pencil in her backpack, the professor walked over to her with a copy of the final exam and a disappointing glare.

            “I’m sorry I’m late,” she whispered, as he set the paper down. The professor only grumbled and walked away.

            She picked up the pencil and looked down at the exam. The first question looked back up at her.

1)      Describe, in detail, the purpose of mitochondria.

 

Ha! Easy one, Karen thought, feeling relieved. She filled out the section and moved on to the next question.

2)      List all 7 phyla.

Did they need to study that? She didn’t remember it from the study guide. Karen listed about four of them before giving up, and going on.

3)      Break apart the word photosynthesis into its Latin roots and define each one.

Okay, that definitely hadn’t been on the study guide. When in class did they cover that? Nobody said anything about Latin roots on a biology test.

Karen took a second to calm down. It’s okay, she thought, trying to take deep breaths. Just one question. No big deal. It was probably on the study guide, and she just didn’t see it. Move on to the next one.

4)      Draw a detailed picture of a church organ.

What.

Karen stared down at the little row of typed letters in disbelief. She looked around the classroom, and, to her academic shame, ended up glancing at other students’ tests. Sure enough, they were all drawing church organs.

5)      If Train A is travelling west at 30 mph, and Train B is travelling east at 25 mph, and a man being pulled by a team of sled dogs approaches from the north-west at an angle of 45 degrees, at what time would the sled dogs need to be fed to meet Train A thirty minutes before meeting Train B? Approximate the molecular weight of water as 18 grams per mole.

Was this a joke? Some elaborate ruse? Something orchestrated by the whole class, just to mess with her? In a panic, Karen read down the rest of the first page.

6)      The reflectivity of white sand is 95%. Using the first equation, up minus down, what is the total flux?

7)      Who was, objectively speaking, the best Renaissance painter?

8)      Release the penguins.

It kept going on and on, just like that. Karen raised a trembling hand and flagged down the professor.

“Doctor Wallinger,” she said in a hushed voice. “We never talked about these in class. Some of them aren’t even questions. They don’t make sense!”

“Of course they don’t make sense,” the teacher said irritably. “That’s because this is all a dream.”

“Thank God,” Karen said, as relief flooded her system, and the reality of the classroom began to waver in and out of existence, falling apart at the seams.

“Just kidding,” the professor said, and everything snapped back into focus. “Now please concentrate.”

Karen ended up failing that class.