I Never Told Him

Speak while you can, one day will be too late.

My name is Anna Marie Smith. I am seventy-two, and I am dying. I have lived a life I wish I could change. For I regret my mistakes.

    It all started in the second grade, I had just moved into a new city. I didn’t have many friends, I was very shy. My mother always told me, “Now Anna, you must speak what you’re thinking, otherwise you might miss your chance.” But I didn’t know what she meant. I met a few people in second grade, these  are the people I grew up with. David, Lisa, and my dear Joseph.  Me and my group of newly found friends spent all of our free time together. Recess, the few minutes that we waited for our mothers to pick us up after school, and of course the weekends. It was a joyous time for me.

     Soon after the fifth grade was over, Lisa moved to a new state. We all promised to keep in touch with her, and we did. Now that I was the only girl, it was rather different. David spent lots of time at Joseph’s house, and I stayed alone most of the summer. One day that fall, Joseph visited me, on his own. From then on we hung out every day, for hours at a time. 

     Joseph was a good boy then, he was timid and observant. He hardly ever spoke, even when he was excited. David was quite the opposite, he was a leader. Outgoing, and always ready to speak his mind. Lisa always liked David, but I took a liking to Joseph. And that’s how it was for a long while.

     In the eighth grade, Lisa moved back to our city, and it was the four of us again. But Lisa had changed, she was very mature now. She was mellow, and this changed her like for David. She told me one night, “I think Joseph is the boy I want to marry. What do you think?” I simply said it was her heart, not mine. But that maybe she should wait until later to speak of marriages. But, she did indeed steal Joseph away quite a lot then. And so I spent my time with David.

    

By the end of eighth grade, Lisa and Joseph were official. Everyone in the school knew about them, and I envied Lisa. I may not have wanted a boyfriend, but I didn’t like seeing her with him. It made me feel empty, somehow- I did not understand my feelings then, but I do now- I did not tell her this, because she was my friend. And she deserved to be happy, even if it made me sad.

     The night of our graduation, Joseph pulled me away from the crowds. We had all officially graduated, we were in high school now. We sat out in front of our school, on the front steps. That was the night he asked me, “Do you think it’s too soon to want to marry someone?” And I knew that night, that dark and cold night, that supposed to be happy night, that I was in love with Joseph. And Joseph was set on marrying Lisa. I told him, “I don’t think it’s too early. But you should at least wait till the end of high school to act on it.” And this is exactly what he did.

     Throughout high school, Joseph and Lisa grew closer and closer. They both asked me for advice, that gave hints as to how close they were. The arguing, the making up, the dates. All of it was torture in my ear. But I let it be, they were happy. David was a popular boy in high school. The captain of the football team, the straight A student, he was perfect on paper. And in the eleventh grade, David asked me to be his girlfriend. I would have sounded insane if I’d told him no. And so I did not refuse. I was happy then, with David.

     The night of our high school graduation, we all went out to dinner. The four of us, and our families. That was the night Joseph proposed to Lisa. I was happy for them, and I was happy with David. But I still longed for Joseph to be mine. I never spoke the words to him.

     Soon afterwards, we begun college. David and I stayed together, as did Lisa and Joseph.  David proposed to me at a football banquet he attended. I said yes. I called Joseph to tell him the news, and he was happy for me. And this is how it was.

     The day Lisa and Joseph got married, I had the most sickening feeling in my stomach. Seeing her with the rings, her smile, her dress, her complete happiness. With the man that I truly loved. The man that I let go. It pained me to watch, to hear them say ‘I Do’ to hug them, knowing my envy for them was still there. Yet, I never spoke the words to them.

     David and I were married a few months after, a grand affair. A football field wedding. I was not fond of the idea, but David and his family insisted it would be nice. And it was, and beautiful as well. And I was happy. But again, just as he had done at our graduation, Joseph pulled me away from the crowds. And we sat on the stairs in the stadium. And he asked me, “Are you really happy?” And I looked at him, and I hugged him. And I said yes. And so he was happy. With Lisa. And I with David.

     Years later it came that David’s career in sports was over. He had a severe injury, and had to retire from his long-loved sport. He went to a desk job, and there he went every morning at five, returning in the evening at six. And I, his wife, stayed home. Those long days, with our children. Our happy family. David was not happy, he was angry. He was angry with his life, with his failures. With me. And so David turned to alcohol for help, and soon after, he lost his job. This drove him into a downward spiral of depression, violence, and addictions. And he died.

     I was nearly fifty then. Joseph and Lisa attended his funeral, and just as he had done at my wedding, Joseph pulled me away from the crowds. This time he did not speak, he only hugged me. And I cried, and I was comforted there in his arms.  I went home that night, and drank myself to sleep. A numb, senseless state of sleep. I slept like this for days, my heart empty and cold.

     A few months before I turned sixty, I heard news that Lisa had passed away. And I was devastated. I cried, and I cried. I went to her funeral. But instead of my needing comfort, it was Joseph who needed it. And I pulled him away from the crowds, and hugged him, and comforted him.

     Not long after this, I learned that Joseph had also passed away. The pain was too much for me to bear. I attended his funeral. And I saw his face, lying there cold and blue. Emotionless. And I returned to my seat. And there they read a journal, a journal my dear Joseph kept. And in that journal, he told of his life, much like I am now. And this is when I heard those words, those sweet sweet words. The words that sang in my ears, years too late. Those words I had longed for, but never opened my mouth to ask for. ‘And there I see her, every day. With another man. My Anna Marie. I love you.’  And there I sat, in the  grass beside my love’s grave. And there I sobbed, and cried, and cursed myself. For I never opened my mouth to utter those three simple words. ‘I love you.’ There was  nothing I could do now, nothing I could do but die. Die and rid myself of this pain.

      But I did not die, I lived on for years. And here I am now, on my deathbed. And here I tell you, speak those words while you can, because you may never get the chance. There may not be a tomorrow. And that one, simple thing could be gone, forever. And here I draw my last breaths, my last moments in this cruel world, I tell you of my life. And I pray you learn from my regrets, my mistakes, my failure. 

 

And here, in this cold hospital room, this empty room. Here, is where I, Anna Marie Smith, die. And here I lay, at the end of my road. And I have never told him.  And this, is the end of my life. And this is how it is.

Author's Note

Another old story... It seems I went through a phase of depression and heartache, which I remember quite well, I just don't remember really writing about it. Odd how you find those things after they've been lost for years, hm?

Critiques and reviews welcome.

Reviews

[E. Ryan Miller]

Quite the lesson, and beautifully written. Your ending is really very strong, and I love the way you did it. It started and flowed well, but the ending was truly the gem of this story, I think. Good job.
I did find one thing: "I met a few people in second grade, these are the people I grew up with." This just doesn't read right to me. Maybe you should add an "and" after the comma.

[Wendy Seames Garner]

Unless this is written in the future, and there is nothing to show that it is, you have some inconsistencies with the story:

"the few minutes that we waited for our mothers to pick us up after school" It is more likely that they walked home from school in those days. Most mothers then didn't have cars.

"From then on we hung out every day" If this is being written by a seventy-two year old woman, she wouldn't say "hung out".

"Lisa and Joseph were official" She would probably say they were pinned or going steady.

"A football field wedding." In those days, weddings took place at a church or possibly the brides home, not on a football field.

"And there they read a journal, a journal my dear Joseph kept."
"Those words I had longed for, but never opened my mouth to ask for. ‘And there I see her, every day. With another man. My Anna Marie. I love you.’ "
I don't think his children would allow his journal to be read at the funeral, saying their father had loved a woman other than their mother. Possibly they would give the diary to her, if they were compassionate enough and could overcome their own feelings of jealousy for the woman.

You will have a beautiful story here, just do a little research on the time period or write something to show you are writing from the future. In the sixty years I have been alive, the world has changed drastically, cell phones, computers - even TV were not in common use when I was born.

[Faiza Ansari]

it was a very lovely story that touched my heart i was just crying reading this story.............it is a amazing story i have no words to describe this story

[Lina Grey]

I can't respond to this any better than R.G. Bennet, ~Dragon X, and Sumayya already have. It's such a touching piece. Thank you.

[~Dragon X]

Wow, this is a beautiful, impacting piece of writing.

The lack of my usual smilies signify my seriousness.

It was a very deep, heart-wrenching story that kept me on edge the entire way through. I love this. Great, great job. Sumayya is right--it's indescribable.

[R.G. Bennet]

Give me a moment while I dry my eyes....

Okay...now to the review. This was one seriously good piece of writing. It had the depth, the flow, the echoes of sadness, the hollow remorse....amazing.

Thanks for sharing this story and reinforcing the importance of speaking one's mind.

Love it!

[The XYZ Writer]

So....amazing? Touching? Heart-breaking? No those don't describe this. This is absolutely indescribable. What a lesson you put into this- to treasure every moment of your life, to never live any regrets. In fact, you just gave me the courage to do something. Thank you for that.

I hope many other people will like this story as much as I did. It's truly wonderful. :)

[Ami N.]

I'm crying right now. This was a beautiful piece. Very well written.
I believe this is the best piece I've read of yours so far.
Just..amazing :)