Helpless

There she lays,

with blood all over.

There you lay,

with worry and fear.

You do everything you can

to help her keep breathing.

You do everything you can

to make her okay.

You're outraged with

this masked shooter.

You're worried about

what will happen to her.

You look at her

with tears in her eyes.

You wish her

a faithful goodbye.

The world goes silent,

the world goes dark.

The world goes cold,

the world goes still.

You feel helpless

as you see her cry.

You feel helpless

as she watches you die.

Author's Note

Please leave a comment on what you think about this poem. Any and all critiques are appreciated. Thank you for reading. Also, be sure to check out my website and be sure to subscribe to it for all the latest in my writing career.

jordanbsmith.webs.com

Reviews

[Yours Truly]

Such a great piece! I like the way you went into detail describing all of it along with how you went into the turn you created at the ending. It grabbed my attention from the start and held it the entire time. Thank you for requesting me to read this. :)
-Yours Truly

[Jordan Smith]

You are absolutely welcome! I am glad you enjoyed this one. It's one of my favorites.

[Jacob Clifford]

Oh man! That twist was great. It added an entirely new element to the poem, with both internal and external conflicts.

[Oydrin]

Concise with a kick. I thought at first that 'she' was the one dying. But the line "You feel helpless as she watches you die," was a catchy twist.

[forgotten_ghosts]

A really sad poem. Well written and the twist at the end is awesome! Thanks for sharing this poem!

[Kirsty Woodward]

Beautiful piece. This really tells a story & builds tension throughout. Also, I love the perfect four line stanzas & the use of repetition during the fourth stanza.

[Jordan Smith]

Thank You for your review :) I'm glad you enjoyed it

[Desert Rose]

loved the twist towards the end, great job

[Ruth]

Oh wow...this is hard hitting...nice turn around at the end too...didn't expect it to do so...moved me :)

[Jordan Smith]

Thank You Poppy :) I'm glad that I was able to impact you with my writing

[apersonfullofthoughts]

Very powerful. I like how it's actually you that is dying instead of her. It makes you read it twice once you get to the end. Wonderfully done.

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

Oh such a sad poem :( but I like how you wrote it. A very interesting twist, I thought she was dying until I got to the end. I can understand how both would feel helpless in this situation. So sad how these shootings are happening, and you do wonder what motive or what drives someone to shoot people at random.

[Jordan Smith]

Thank You for the review Peace Keeper :) Appreciate it

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

^^ You're very welcome! (:

[Kira]

I love this. Very upsetting, yet understandable. The shootings here are getting out of control and this portrays the emotion of said victims and families.

[Jordan Smith]

Thank You for your review :) They really are getting out of control.