Deconstructing My Inefficiency

Deconstructing my inefficiency I find deficiency

A fish in the sea

Unable to see past inner dirty beeps that I speak when wrapped in fleet clouds

A sun god with a hound

I'm crass, I'll blast with mashes of fast acts

I'm a spaz, I'll cast the branch back so it smacks you as you pass

I rap with white eyes so black ice can fight the sunlight and become shadowed night

tight-lipped in fright, they speak with spite in spite of the signs saying do or die

So I did and didn't die, but that was a lie cause I'm dry now

a husk of slime with flies now...

I sense rejection like deaths inception found me hovering before an entity

who laid me humble before an enemy, who said to me rise today and take this remedy

be a servant and prosperity will find you like prophecy

You will have ten dreams of fallacy

I see Alice in steep allowance making cups outta gallons of jealousy

the policy is to gallop free of abhorrent heaps of troubled seas

It's said to be fumbles with creeps in the mud hole of greed

but gallantly I sense unburdened crumbles...

Much like having tea and crumpets in kevlar jeans    

Reviews

[Zoya]

It's always the same, but actually very different every time. Lol. I hope you get what I mean. If you don't, then fair enough...After all I don't usually get what YOU mean. Hell, this was funny! Especially these lines:
'I'm a spaz, I'll cast the branch back so it smacks you as you pass'
'a husk of slime with flies now...'
And the last one, of course, was the show stopper. Mind boggingly written!

[Chase Dylan]

I gotcha, heh... I think, and a hoped thought, I guess is as good as a known one... Thank you, Zoe

[Jes' Pi]

Your rhymes are very good..
It is a nice poem.

[Chase Dylan]

Thank you, Jes' Pi... I know this is some of the highest regards coming from you, haha... Appreciate it very much

[Jes' Pi]

Work more. You can do better. We can always do better.

[Chase Dylan]

Finally... Someone who understands... Our journey of self-mastery does not end till we die...

[Chase Dylan]

I will... You too, Pi... You too...

[JackValor86]

Its a rap right, do you rap this or what?

[Chase Dylan]

Haha, Yes, I definitely do, Jack

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

That twisted time where relevance and gravity way heavy on ones heart is delicious in this piece, well done, good read.

[Chase Dylan]

Oh wow... This is incredibly poetic and deep... I am flattered I could spark such appreciation... Thanks very much, Thomas...

[Tony Jordan]

I like the way it picks up the pace throughout to the mic-drop.
The 'black ice' line made me raise a Spock eyebrow in appreciation.
Excellente Silente !

[Chase Dylan]

Yes! That was my favorite part, got my Spock eyebrow up as well, hah... Thank you, TJ

[Raghib]

Oh man . I am a fan of you from today . Read your poem it was awesome . The poetic tools were utilized in a way that brought the theme out in a very grasping manner .
Be my sesnsei will you . Teach me .
(Sorry cant help it . I loved your writing)

[Chase Dylan]

I love to teach anyone who wants to learn, Raghib, thank you for appreciating so much

[The Iron Horseman]

Love it, Silente! The final line absolutely slays me! I gotta get me some of those kevlar jeans!

[Chase Dylan]

I agree, Iron, it would help with spills... Thank you

[andrew mitchell]

An intense write full of imagery to tease the reader, we are our own worst critics but sometimes respected by our enemies. Nice heavily packed writing!

[Chase Dylan]

Thank you, Andrew

[Einstein Noodle]

brutal honesty of self examination is paramount eh!? and the "world" does deceive us with false promises .. i like the standing before an entity and being humbled by an enemy .. lots of meaning says i! and i really like your closing line ..vivid and succinct
E.

[Chase Dylan]

Agreed, and oh so much agreed... Entities of enemies are nefarious, eh? Hah... ME TOO! Thank you... That is my damn favorite part... Tea in kevlar jeans!

[barleygirl]

I can't tell if you're getting better at this or if I'm getting better at reading you!?!?! *smile* I love your interesting word choices & I like this one in particular becuz it's easier for me to follow the overall journey of ideas. Love the way you include intense imagery (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Chase Dylan]

Hmm, it could be both... Lol, and I appreciate it, because I am always in the eternal struggle of making abstract make sense. Thanks very much