Double Dose

This one just popped out of my head one day; some kick a*s banter. I like the rhythm of this one. It kind of morphed into a commentary on the limitations of on line relationship.

Double cone, double dipped.  Double sized portion of life. 

Upsized. Not compromised.  

Full up. Fed up.  Effed up to the extreme degree 

Adrenalin rush.  Endorphins flow.  

 

Floating out in neither space with my arse not yet committed to that trusted life line 

That free fall rappel, one thousand feet above the treetops, where the big birds glide 

Free flight or Free fall?  I guess it’s all in the altitude of the attitude, 

One’s own perspective.  

What goes up, must come down either which way. 

 

Double fries, super sized.  Route 44! 

Sonic Blast, near kicked my asterisks – Hell Yeah! 

Free spirit.  Free flowing.  

Let out of the box of my head.  

Being revived, not quite brain dead. 

 

Got to get that stimulus package out of the mailbox & 

Toss that baby in the debit machine 

So I can just spend it & be without again - That’s life! 

 

Got to burst into the real world scene 

Sick of the mind journey, strictly speaking 

Need to see a real person’s smile 

And not just those stupid yahoo animations anymore 

The faces everyone else adorns  *blushes* 

 

I know it’s a sweet smile, but no touch through that line.  

Feel the warmth.  See the sparkle of those eyes.  

Feel the real tears on my fingertip and taste the moisture on my lips. 

Exchange that real human comfort. 

Laughing for real, something LOL cannot instill; 

The sound of that baritone smile.

Reviews

[DrewBerry]

Thanks for such a thoughtful and constructive reivew Michael. I can see what you mean by overwording and punctuation. Good stuff to think on as I revise and polish.

Thanks,
Tracey

[Michael X]

i usually don't like such sloppy form, but this worked good as free form,
although needs work, overwording, punctuation is off a lil bit.
you could turn this into something dynamic and effective, its good,
with a few revisions, i think most readers would love this.

[DrewBerry]

I like the 'Try Realspace' quote. Mind if I use it for the title? It's more fitting.

Thanks so much Rave (reviewer). I'm off to 'work well' today.

~ Peace ~

[Ravenskald]

"Got to burst into the real world scene
"Sick of the mind journey, strictly speaking
Need to see a real person's smile
And not just those stupid yahoo animations anymore "

LOL yep its limiting cyberspace !!
I think the quote is try "realspace" excellent graphics ,tactile responsiveness, true and real experiences.
Never (rarely crashes), and you can do more than *print*
Which reminds me one more revieww and get off the damn thing !!

Never seen you angry in a poem before ! Kind of suprising
A nice supuprise though ;-)