Richard [Part 1]

Richard [Part 1]

A Chapter by E.A. Simon

Just as I began to slip back into sleep, my cheek was beamed with heat from the window I was leaning against. The Sun was shining onto the left side of the car making everything inside hot to touch.
I remembered the feeling of cold wind, it had penetrated my skin on the Ferry.
Kelly's jumper was thick so I flopped my head onto her shoulder and tried to relax, tried to rest without thinking, tried not to worry as much as I had been.

I slowly opened up my eyes. Kelly was peering down at me.
'Are you sleeping again? I'm Sorry. I won't wake you.'

'Im just chilling,' I said cooly back, 'do you mind me?'

'Of course not.' She said, her smile kind and infectious.

We stopped at the side of the road an hour into France.
There were dark, green hedges on both sides with the branches of trees peering over the top of them. Further up the road were great iron gates that lead into a graveyard and beyond were the turret tops and stone graves sticking out among the trees; a sombre skyline.

Dom got out.

'That b*****d is lighting a cigarette.' Alex whispered behind us, 'How do you say 'bullshit' in French?'

'What a Legend he is!' Laura laughed, momentarily gazing from her phone.
'Who said you couldn't smoke in here?' She called after him, 'Since when have you been decent?!'
Dom didn't respond.
'Oi!' She banged loudly on the glass.
Dom stired and Laura ducked out of sight mischievously.

He was propped up against a thin tree looking into the distance. His head was cocked up towards the autumn sun and his puffs of cigarette smoke were disintegrating into the warm air.

It was no more than three minutes of puffing, when a cold breeze blew through Dom's open door, urging our driver to stub out his cigarette and turn to get back in. He turned back however, forgetting something and walked back towards the tree.
He then pulled from his trousers his large penis which rolled out in front of him. A great arc of urine shot from it soaking the tree bark.

'What the f**k?' Alex whispered again. We had all been tentatively observing.

Laura awkwardly laughed and the others hastily gazed away.
I however was intoxicatingly fascinated.

In front of me, his fluid turned from bright gold to a dull brown to a rich, blood red and it kept running, like a stream being manually pumped by an unknown force. Streaming and streaming red like a cut vein, sharply and sparsely splattering, staining the tree.

After what seemed like an excruciatingly long, steady flow of blood urine, it began to slow down, the gold colour returning to it.

Like turning off a tap, the liquid steadily dripped and ceased.

I was still fixated.

'Stop staring, f*g.'
Sweat was moist on Alex's forehead. He was launched over me with a clenched fist.

Without hesitation Kelly spoke up; 'Alex don't. You know how he gets.'

Alex breathed heavily. His flushed face shot me at look before he sunk back into his seat. Sam and Joanne sat next to him, eyes wide and silent.
Kelly turned to me.

'You okay?' She mouthed.
I nodded.

We all jumped as a loud thump vibrated the car. The front door had closed and Dom was back. He glanced at us and apologised to Laura.

'Sorry babe.'

I was weak. I turned away and closed my eyes. As the car coughed into ignition I felt a throbbing in my head. It succumbed; Sleep grabbed me by the neck.

My sleep was deep. I dreamt in feverish red.

I, myself, was drenched in blood; it was thick and sticky, like jam covering every part of my body, all except my eyes. In my direct line of vision was Dom, urinating again, standing in the same spot by the tree; this time though, surrounding us both was night.

This nightmarish Dom had developed an exadurated and proud arched back which seemed to encourage his liquid to change colour once again. It rapidly bled from him. And the tree morphed; it sunk and compacted into a slap of stone. A grave; The writing on it hidden behind its vandal.
Dom twitched as if sensing my presence behind him. He slowly turned, still streaming blood.

He was in full profile. His face was wrinkled and in rolls, rolls and rolls of overlapping, gloopy skin. In place of his eyes where two flesh pink spaces; the skin was so tight here you could see blue veins resting on the skin from the other side. Dom began to smile, almost affectionately, a thing he rarely did. His lips tightened as a grin filled the entire bottom of his face. It revealed a black void.

I glanced down at the fluid that was now painfully loud, the relentless trickling noise that had been muffled before was now echoing and dripping through my soul.

The eyeless Dom lifted up his penis and aimed it at my feet. The great, black smile got bigger as the red current began creeping its way up my body.

I was paralysed. The thick blood that covered my body did not shield me; I felt the heat from the blood urine work upwards on me like an ascending elevator. I could smell copper and rot thick in the air until all my senses became accustom to it.

In a blink of an eye it was daylight again and in front of me was the grey tree. Only the tree.

I blinked again. My eyes suddenly stung, fighting off a hot liquid that began to splatter onto them. They too were being splurged with the warm red. It stung like spicy sauce and the stinging would not stop. All I could do to articulate the pain was cry out, whimpering and confused. As I cried, a spiky cackle ringed loud in my ears.
'Watch as I bleed on your Grave Richie!' screeched Dom.
Then all around, miniature fireworks sprouted from thin air. The sky turned pale and the pain in my eyes died down.

I awoke harshly. 350 miles to Namur.

'Oh poor Richard', Kelly was peering at me again.

As my eyes came into focus, Kelly looked like some half dream.

'You just can't get sleep.'

Kelly shuffled closer. She placed her hand onto my forehead.

'Jesus Christ. It's fire. Are you drinking water?'

I gestured to my empty water bottle on the ground between my legs.

'Here, have some of mine. It's cool'.

I sat up. Kelly coaxingly unscrewed the top of her bottle and looked up at me, glistening.

'Let me feed it to you!' She laughed.

I laughed back, feeling quite unbelievable.

She gently cupped the back of my head like a precious baby and put the spout of the water bottle into my mouth, squeezing softly.

After a few gulps, Kelly began laughing again. I laughed too, spitting the water out in front of me. We gripped to each other and started giggling uncontrollably.

'What's so funny?' Laura asked, turning to us.

Kelly stopped, embarrassed; 'Nothing. Sorry for disturbing the peace.'

As Laura turned away again, Kelly pulled my head towards hers and kissed my forehead. Her lips were soft and reassuring and I basked in the kiss, it plugged me in. In Kelly I could always trust.

'We're going to have a wonderful week Richard,' She said sincerely.

Kelly patted my lap and moved back to her place. She'd left the water bottle for me. I took a few more swigs. Maybe it was the cool water or maybe it was the kiss but I felt warm tingles begin to spread throughout my body.

I stared out of the window at the new world around me. The dawn sky was awash with orange and blue.

We had travelled from Calais and were on route to Namur, a town in Belgium. The seven of us were staying at Lumiere Nordique, a cliff-side house that stood remotely beyond a small river. Lauras uncle owned the house. All we knew was that the house was 'extraordinary' and had a 'history', a history that Laura was bound to expand upon that night. She always, eagerly, told tall tales.

Surely, as we drove across thinner and bumpier country roads, the grass on the fields became greener and from the fields sprouted cliffs that spread for miles and formed mountainous steps to the sky. Rivers melted into Rivers. Namur had its own selection of sombre and eery stone turrets among its skyline.

'This place is f*****g beautiful.' Kelly said, looking up at a castle in the cliffs, almost with tears.
'Its perfect isn't it?' She turned to me.

© 2018 E.A. Simon

Author's Note

E.A. Simon
Hi thanks for taking a look! Please let me know if the story is easy to follow and my if main protagonist is likeable! Also would love feedback on how to transform this from a young mans musings to a professional novel. Any help, feedback, comments greatly appreciated.

My Review

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Hi, there. So immediately upon reading I noticed there was a realistic error. So, at one point, the story reads, "her smile was infectious and her teeth shone with morning dew." Teeth can't shine from morning dew, though. Unless she has dentures that she removed, or unless she grimaced all night like a horse (lips pulled back over teeth) it would be a physical impossibility to have dew in her teeth. I would consider changing that. There were also a few errors later on, such as where you say, "Kelly stopped suddenly to look at Rich's happy face and grin." But by saying "happy face" you're already implying he's grinning, as (aside from twinkling eyes) there's really nothing that constitutes a happy face besides a smile. And because of your prior sentences the conclusion can be drawn he's smiling when you say he has a happy face. So you can get rid of the word grin. There's also a part where you say Rich is feeling "unbelievable", but that's vague. What does that mean? A better word can be chosen here to give the reader a sense of Rich and how he's feeling. I'm not saying this to nitpick, I'm saying all of this to lead to my main piece of advice: watch your wordage and make sure you're making sense. The story is great, all in all you're a wonderful writer. The character's stay consistent and are believable- they have flaws and strengths, all signs of good characters. The suspense you create is perfect for this genre. You have good horror descriptions- your one weakness is that you do make some writing mistakes.
One scene I really like is the nightmare scene. It was very well described- one of my first immediate thoughts was, "God, I hope if they make a movie out of this they skip this part." It was both terrifying and (with the pissing Rich part) disturbing. A good mix. However, we also have another writing mistake here where you say the skin is "rolling" off of the man, suggesting excess, but then in another part you say the skin is tight. You can't have skin be loose and be tight.
But yeah, overall, good story! You definitely did well at getting reader's invested and striking their curiosity, something that is extremely hard to do in the first chapter ^.^

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 3 Months Ago

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Added on October 30, 2017
Last Updated on February 22, 2018
Tags: americanhorrorstory, cabininthewoods, twilight, teen, horror, supernatural, lifeanddeath, timetravel


E.A. Simon
E.A. Simon

Toronto, Spiritualist , Canada

Hi! I'm an Englishman living in Canada, I'm 22 years old and I've got a passion for writing and art. Outside of that I'm a professional dancer. Trademark_Artist on Instagram and EA Simon on Wattpad more..

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A Chapter by E.A. Simon