Help Wanted Ad

The perfect ad for the right person

Help Wanted

We are looking for a domestic helper; someone between 94 and 96 years of age in perfect health and physical condition. You must be someone who can lift 200 lbs and more with little effort.

My wife is a filthy pig with dirty habits that disgust me to the core at every turn. She refuses to take more than 6 baths per day. Can you imagine that?! Your primary task will be to lift her and dip her in a sanitizing tub of cleansing solutions for her own good.

The perfect candidate will be perfect in every way. You must have an impulsive behavioral disposition for cleanliness. Labels for every item in the house will be supplied.

Germaphobia is a must and preferred if you must know. People with more than 2 feet need not apply. A non smoker goes without question. Proper references and credentials are required. A haze-met uniform for an interview is needed. (Pure oxygen is optional.)

Being conversant in proper English without an accent is preferred. Doing windows is a must.

We need a person who carries a bottle of disinfectant spray in their left pocket at all times, ready to spray it at an given moment in an emergency, which happens to be frequently and often.

Please reply to this P.O. Box address: 222 Tidy Bowl Lane, Angola Ohio. Use a sterilized paper and envelope to respond. Please do not lick the stamp. (Use the sticky kind.)

The pay will be contingent on your experience but it is $3.50 cents per hour to start. If you are exceptional the pay scale could reach $3.60.

People with dirty thoughts will not be considered. However, you are allowed 2 thoughts of a sorted nature two times a year. (Halloween and Flag day...for no particular reason.)

Only serious candidates need apply to this ad. We look forward to abusing you.

Reviews

[Cherrie Palmer]

Lol
I hope no one eggs your P.O. Box.

[Earl Schumacker]

Hi Cherry, Thank you for commenting. There is nothing that anyone can do or say to me that will effect me. I'm an old man. I have lived 10 lifetimes in this one life. I have experienced all the horrors, torments and fears of life and all the pleasures too. It is all good. This piece was simply for sport and fun. Have a great day. Take care. Earl

[Cherrie Palmer]

Earl we gotta have humor

[Einstein Noodle]

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
E.

[Earl Schumacker]

Hi E. Yes. That's right. $3.15 an hour... What? Do you think the little old lady of 95 should get more? This is one of my silly absurd things but in reality it does have the ring of truth. I thought that I invented Angola Ohio. It turns out I was wrong. I looked on the map and there it is in real life. Have a great day. Earl

[Einstein Noodle]

we all need the absurd now and then says i! ;)