Angry Father's Day Story

I've been rejected by the only non-religious dating service in Destin, Florida and rejected by over sixty women on Match.com. I need to get this anger out somehow.

     It doesn’t matter what his name is.  All that matters is, he was here to see his buddy at an undisclosed location somewhere downtown"one of those fair-to-middling apartment buildings where no one would suspect anything revolutionary would happen.  Half the people who live around here aren’t doing much with their lives anyway.    

     Late afternoon, the gentleman parked his car in one of the few spots available.  He promptly stepped out of the vehicle and went up to the lobby, where he shook hands with…  No, his name is not of importance, either.  One friend meets another friend, and they said absolutely nothing to one another as they rode the elevator up to his residence up on the third floor.  Keeping their expressions deadpan while bursting with enthusiasm, that’s a bit hard to do.

     Door closed and locked, the apartment's resident turned off the circuit breaker--assuring that all appliances were silenced, nothing capable of recording a message save their cell-phone devices.  Those too were shut off, their batteries removed. Knowing what they knew, what they would speak about, best that no one hear.  

     Without further ado, the first gentleman takes out an official medical document. “It mother-forkin' works.  It completely and absolutely works!”  They exchanged extremely loud high-fives.  

     “Wait…  Did he run a toxicology panel on you?  Run you through fifty questions?” asked the second gentleman.  

     “Fifty questions, a hundred questions, he did everything but take me to a big room with a hot light overhead and a trick mirror in a wall,” went the first gentleman.  “I could see it in his eyes.  He wanted to do that but legally couldn’t.”

…

     Elsewhere in the city, boyfriend and girlfriend were lying in bed after a bout of carnal delight.  While the male wanted to roll over and enjoy a nap, agitation showed on the female’s face.  Not that the boyfriend could see it.  He was turned away and with his eyes lidding closed until…

     “I’ve got something to tell you,” said the girlfriend.  A mad look of glee came to her eyes, her lips stretched in a savage rictus.  It could have been a smile in a past life but now resembled the feral snarl of a creature preparing to ravage a piece of meat.  “We’re pregnant.”

     This is usually a crisis moment.  The classic definition of the word, stemming from the term crux, is that a situation is a crossroads.  Things could cut either way.  Luck or effort will make that determination.  But in this case, it was less of either and more foresight.

     “We?  What do you mean, we are pregnant?” went the boyfriend.  “Only you can be pregnant.  Men cannot harbor fetuses.”

     “You know what I mean!” insisted the girlfriend.  “You’re a father, and that’s the end of it!”  Grinning like a maniac.  “If you don’t like it, then I’m sure we can hash out the details in family court when you have to pay child support!  Bu-u-u-ut…  If you marry me, then you won’t have to give me child support.”  And then I’ll collect alimony from your paychecks forever after I divorce you, went the unspoken thought.  

     “This is what the cowboys would call, putting the horse before the cart,” he said.  “You’re cheating on me.  You’re a b***h.” 

     Instead of misery and discontent, the girlfriend felt herself entitled to all the fiery fury that a woman scorned should have.  Somewhere amidst the throwing of objects in the bedroom and the shrieking howls, the boyfriend picked out something about making working three jobs seven days a week to pay for what the family-court judge was going to squeeze out of him.  Then he picked her up and threw her out of his apartment.  

…

     One week later, this contentious young couple went to the family planning office, the paternity test coming back.  The boyfriend knew and expected the results.  

     The girlfriend again burst into furious tears.  “That’s im-poss-ah-ball!  My friends hacked his medical records!  He has sex with me!  He's supposed to take the blame for getting me pregnant!”

…

    Elsewhere in the country, the issue went farther than that.  Instead of taking him to the medical office--a place of science and truth--the girlfriend had dragged her boyfriend to court--family court.  Presiding was a middle-aged female judge who looked old enough to be the girlfriend’s mother.  In fact, the woman was the girlfriend’s mother.  Pregnant girlfriend, the judge being the grandmother, things don’t seem to be looking good for the holder of XY chromosomes.

     “Now before I have your head and your paychecks for the rest of your life for impregnating my precious daughter…and you somehow not wanting to pay for your actions…do you have anything to say for yourself?” asked the judge.

     Said this boyfriend, “Your honor, I would like for you to open the envelope that my lawyer prepared.  In it, you will find nine medical documents stamped and signed by nine separate male fertility specialists from multiple medical institutions.”

    There was indeed an envelope that the judge was requested to not open until this moment.  It was opened.  The judge read it.  In doing so, her facial expressions came in three acts.  First was confusion.  Then was sober consideration.  Then came anger.  

     Her gavel came down hard, perhaps wishing to bring it down on her own daughter’s head.  “In light of the evidence presented, the case is hereby dismissed.”  After all, despite her own anger, the judge wanted to educate her daughter in private of what legal terms like perjury, fraud,  and libel.       

…

     There’s always something big being discussed at the White House.  Once considered the most influential and powerful place in Western civilization, things sort of went by the wayside with decades of budget cuts on one end and tax cuts on the other.  The goal of an end to big government was finally realized, cuts to the military and scientific exploration going part and parcel.  With America no longer being the military or technological superpower it once was, the President of the United States was now treated with no more respect than the President of The International Stamp Collector’s Association.  

      All the same, important people like to get together and make suggestions.   Not that Congress  can ever agree on anything long enough to actually get anything done, but it’s the thought that counts.  And right about now, the thought of a future America with the current crisis was troubling.  

     Or not troubling, depending on one’s political perspective.  Women were doing okay, so that was okay with all those present.    

     “I don’t see a problem!  It’s only something about men, and it’s not like they’re going to die off.  Though that would be amusing in a sci-fi sort of way,” went the Surgeon General in a huff--Dr. Frederica “Freddie” Graham.  “I’d be more concerned about the lack of proper nutrition needed for growing girls with the school lunch programs.  Girls grow faster, and they need more.” 

     “Freddie has a point,” went the Secretary of State Louisa “Louie” Sutterton.  “We’ve seen bigger problems in American history.  It’s not like we need that many men involved in families.”

     “In fact, some academic studies have indicated that children may be better off without male involvement,” went the Secretary of Education, Diane Ashford.  “Men are more aggressive by cultural conditioning and testosterone.  They are more likely to commit violent crimes.  And if they bring that attitude into the homes, then it can only lead to violent tendencies in the home.”

     The President looked regarded the members of the White House cabinet"derisively referred to as being the “Kitchen Cabinet” due to the historically high number of women who were members.  All women, in fact.  Under pressure from the rest of his political party to expand the political base, the cabinet included more women.  Starting in 2010, females have earned college degrees than men for over a decade by this point and filled the ranks of junior professionals for years.  Men weren’t banned or barred from college.  In fact, men a-plenty still earn college degrees.  It’s just that, by this point, one out of five college graduates had gonads instead of ovaries.  Just the way things were going.  

     “Ladies…” began the President.  Was going to say and gentlemen, but there were none here to address.  “This is not simply a matter of political preference.  This is a matter of political crisis because it is an economic one that will do no less than destroy the economy in the coming years.”

     “That’s propaganda coming from the patriarchy,” insisted the Surgeon General.  “The most determining factor of any population of a species is that of female fertility.  All that it takes is one pair of testicles to impregnate multiple females.”

     “And we wouldn’t mind if that’s all we had to deal with when it comes to a man,” went the Secretary of Education.

     The Secretary of State interjected, “What do you call that useless piece of skin that comes around a penis?” 

     “A man!” went the Secretary of Education.  The cabinet members then had themselves a good old laugh in that regard.  This is what it means to sit in the seats of power that had been denied them for so long.  Now comes time to piss on everyone below.  Or so they think.  They had no idea what was coming down the pipe.

…

     “They have no mother-fuddling clue what this means to the economy, to the military, to the very survival of America,” growled the elderly professor, clutching a piece of chalk..  

     The President’s black-suited security detail put their hands close to their chests.  It’s disrespectful to get loud with the Commander in Chief on one hand.  It’s also a danger to one’s own health, a danger of lead poisoning.  Hot lead poisoning.  

      No, the President raised a chiding hand, and his security detail relaxed.  Somewhat.  “Dr. Smith, we do what we can with what we have.  My biggest concern right now is…  What can we do.  Right now?  Immigration?”

     “To paraphrase some of the more foolhardy undergraduates, been there, done that,” went the professor.  He turned to the chalkboard, the chalk clacking out statistics and a chart.  Talking as he worked.  “As you…can see…”  Clack-scritch-scritch. “Due to a reduction in the number of women unwilling to commit to stable marriage..."  Scritch-scratch.  "And the lack of men with enough in the way of incomes to provide for children..."  Scratch-scratch...  "There are now fewer childbirths than ever before in American history …”  Scritch-scritch.  "A lower fertility rate for the third census in a row."  Scratch-scritch.  "There is now...an inverted population pyramid.”  Scritch-clack.  “But in that I am a lecturer of undergrads, I must deal with mouth-breathers on a regular basis, needing to put things as simply as possible.”  

     The President knew what was coming.  It was a matter of respecting the professor as to why commentary was being withheld.  

     Now the professor pointed to the charts and the statistics he had drawn on the board.  “If things go the way they have been going for these past few weeks, and the medical reports are indeed accurate, then I foresee at worst nothing short of doom in terms of economics and national defense.”

     “Best case scenario?” asked the President.  

     “A complete and total paradigm shift in the status quo.  Nothing short of a revolution,” went the professor.  “You are the President of the United States.  And you tell me there is nothing that you can do legally?”

     “Those on the Right have attempted to restrict abortion in the past to stave off this crisis,” went the President.  “Those on the Left have resisted.  Women have rights too.”

     “And not a word about rights for men.  It takes two to tango, but the drumbeat has steadily been against males for at least the past two decades now,” went the professor.   

     The President drew a sharp breath, pause for consideration.  “There is absolutely nothing in the laws, federal and mandatory, to make fatherhood mandatory.”

…

     Let's turn on the teevee.  Look at that...  Slick artsy news-program graphics and swishing sound-effects introduced a news studio of a major cable news network which shall not be named.

     The well-styled female journalist beaming at the camera, her smile as slick as the faux-marble long desk in front of her.  

     “Welcome back.  I’m Debbie Dunn.  Over the course of our break, we received a rather interesting tidbit.  A group calling itself Father’s Day has published a so-called Bro Manifesto that is nothing less than…get this, a declaration of rights for men!  They call it that, but it actually seems to be a set of what political progressives are calling outrageous demands.”

     “That’s right, Debbie!” went another woman's voice.  Now the scene showed a graphics insert of a plump woman, the Capitol building in the background.  Her name was shown on the graphics inset"Betty Buster.  “This is nothing less than a naked power grab by the waning patriarchy to try and take back the few precious gains made by women!”

     Journalist…  Oh, sorry.  News correspondent Debbie Dunn had turned her seat to face the other woman in this news teleconference.  “What makes you say that, Betty?  Nothing in the so-called Bro Manifesto that demands changes in laws.”

     "Then you don’t understand!” went Betty.  “These so-called Father’s Day male-patriarchy terrorists are holding women’s rights hostage!  Either we give in and go back to being flesh-pot baby makers, or they will do something they claim will change America for centuries to come. This outrageous lie must be resisted if women are to have equal rights and protections under the law.  What is the President doing about these moscogynists?”

--

     Enough of this nonsense.  Let’s change the channel"another news station.  “We are not asking women to become so-called flesh pots, nor are we asking them to go back to the kitchen,” went a moustachioed gentleman sitting in front of the camera.  “We’re simply giving the same ease of reproductive rights that women possess…to men.”

     “Mister Perk, what do you mean by that?” went Tommy Tennyson, news correspondent.  “Isn’t it true that men have had access to condoms, spermicide, and even testicular operations?”

     “Condoms break, spermicide fails, and men are scared away by vasectomies.  This scare campagign was put out by splinter groups from religious sects on one hand and feminists on the other,” said Mr. Perk.  “If anything, it’s been all too easy for women to poke holes in condoms.”

     “But having children is a two-part process,” went Tennyson.  “If a man doesn’t want to have children, shouldn’t he just not partake?  It’s not like women are deliberately getting pregnant.  Children are expensive.”

     “For men, yes.  For women, no,” went Mr. Perk.  “If women are short on money to pay for their children’s expenses, they’re given welfare cash from the government.  Meanwhile, the biological father’s wages are garnished.  In short, women get money.  Men get jail.  Bright orange jumpsuits and indefinite stays in the Gray Bar Inn.”  

     “This should all be in line to address the inequities that women have faced since the founding of this country,” said the news correspondent.  “Isn’t it true that women still earn less money than men?”

     “Because women choose less challenging fields that pay less than what men do,” said Mr. Perk.  “According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, looking at men and women working in the same job fields, women earn as much as men.  Meanwhile, for the past twenty years, women aged eighteen to thirty-five have out-earned men, in no small part due to women outnumbering men with regards to degrees in higher education.  

     "We can do without feminist lies, such as all heterosexual sex is rape, that marriage is rape, that rape is a hate crime, that every man is a potential rapist, this constant drumbeat of accusations by feminists against men ultimately leading to a degradation of men.  

     “While men are working all the dirty-difficult-dangerous jobs, while men have lost ninety-three percent of the jobs atrophied during the so-called Great Recessions of earlier this century, women are earning more college diplomas and have taken over corporate leadership to the point that over eighty-five percent of acquisitions personnel in the publishing industry are women.  

     “Meanwhile, despite all of their rhetoric along the lines of feminists declaring I am woman, hear me roar and decades of parity between male and female athletics programs, women largely refuse to join the military.  Women refuse to work on oil rigs.  Women still do not want to get their hands dirty.  Until triple the number of women learn to get their hands dirty, work on oil rigs, or join the military, it will be men doing all the dangerous deeds and heavy lifting in society.”

     “But women are in the military, and they are sometimes employed as mechanics,” went the news correspondent….who put a hand to his right ear.  “Excuse me, but we are receiving a great many very angry phone calls from our higher-ups.” 

     Mr. Perks nodded.  “Who would be women.  Essentially, they refuse to see to how far the pendulum has swung against men.  So what happens next, happens.”

…

     On a certain day during a certain month, most all men throughout the country stopped.  They did this in a safe manner, of course.  Coming to stops at important machinery, putting down tools, putting down drinks in bars, standing in place, they just…stopped what they were doing.  Then they took out their wallets and small foil packets therein.  

     Blue pills.  Little blue pills. These pills were made of rather innocuous commonly available chemicals, put together to become something more than the sum of its parts.

     And in the workplaces, the women suddenly knew what those pills were.  As realization dawned, so did some kind of fury.  But before most of them could rush their male underlings, the deed was done.  

     Women tried calling the police.  They tried forcing the men to go get their stomachs pumped. Only after a great many men were arrested for disrupting the peace or possession of dangerous chemicals without a license.  (This ignores how people can own bleach or alcohol without needing licenses.  Anything to stop the men at this point.)  Yet the overwhelming affront to the will of the law, rather than the letter of the law, left the criminal justice system completely unable to stop the end result.  

…

     A year passed since then.  Back to the White House, the women of the President’s Cabinet were somewhat more contrite but a great deal angrier.  Like their counterparts in Congress, they all had multiple ideas on how to undo the massive wave of male sterility.  There were even calls to add a Constitutional Amendment banning access to male birth-control pills.  But that’s the equivalent of closing the corral after the horses have fled.  

     Went the Surgeon General, “The Senator from California is proposing federal legislation to institute selective service.  We feel this bill would be fair to all parties concerned.”  Nodding to the other members of the cabinet.

     “Men will be selected by lottery to provide child care in facilities overseen by trained and experienced matriarchs.  Meanwhile, to offset the drain on women's wages due to the number of fatherless births, a portion male wages will be garnished, in addition to funding going to local schools,” went the Secretary of Education

     “It’s hardly time to call for fairness in that this affects only men,” went the President.  “It is also far too late.”

     “But think of the hundreds of millions of families that will be without monetary support from men!” went the Secretary of Health.  “All of those children growing up without two incomes to support them!”

     The Secretary of the Treasury leaned forward, angry.  “Men have as much responsibility to providing for children as women, if not more!”  

     “Ladies, for decades, the feminist movement has demanded fairness and equality.  And yet, a great many gains have been made with nothing given in the way of concessions vis-à-vis women taking on more economic clout.  Men still pay alimony though men earn less among the working classes.  Men still pay for dates.  And with regards to selective service, it’s still just applicable to taking men to war,” went the President.  

     “This is impossible!” shouted the Secretary of Health.  “Millions of American women are being driven to bankruptcy because they lack a sufficient income to pay for their families’ basic needs!”

     “Because men are no longer dragged into their unwanted pregnancies,” countered the President.  “With over ninety percent of American men now sterile and nine percent willing to abstain from behaviors which would directly impregnate American women, the vast majority of pregnancies are by artificial insemination.  The choice has been completely in the hands of women, so to speak, with no need for male intervention.  With men removed from the equation, why aren’t you happy?”

     The Secretary of Health slammed down her pile of documents, possible laws to somehow finagle men into paying for kids.  “You’ll have my resignation in the hour.”  Walked out.  Her colleagues followed.  

Reviews

[Robert Enders]

1)A judge would never be allowed to hear a case involving her own daughter.
2)Both testicles and ovaries are considered gonads.

This reads more like a manifesto than a story. I'm sorry that you were angry when you wrote this.

[Egglesplork]

_____Well, speaking as somebody with a four-year degree in political science (B.A., Rutgers University), let's just say that the "rules" and "laws" are somewhat...FLEXIBLE here in the United States. Remember the Trevon Martin case? The Constitution says a trial by one's peers, yet the very male defendant was tried by an ALL FEMALE jury. http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/06/20/us-usa-florida-shooting-jury-idUSBRE95J12620130620 Oh, and by the way, bribery is illegal: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/18/201 We nevertheless have an entire class of professionals dedicated to giving bribes... Oh, I'm sorry! I meant to say CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS! We may have laws on the books, but politicians now follows the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold are the ones who rule.

_____As for gonads being male and female, I'm talking about common usage. It's common to refer to male organs as all kinds of things. But when it comes to the inside lady parts, the common language isn't there too often. Dudes say nuts, balls, man-marbles, stones (those Brits), man-sack, junk, etcetera. In the three regions of this country I have lived in (Mid-Atlantic states, the Midwest, and now the Gulf Coast region), the ladies are quite somber when it comes to their anatomy. They're always so gentle and formal, talking about their ovaries and uterus, never having FUN with terminology. In other words, poetic license, dude!

[Robert Enders]

I have a BA in political science from Indiana University. My father was an attorney who practiced family law. When we watched TV together when I was growing up, he would point out factual flaws if there was a court scene taking place.
Yes, laws can be change, bent, and broken by our courts. In the Treyvon Martin case, the defense did have a right to insist that men sit on the jury. The defense waived that right, and it may have paid off because the defendant, George Zimmerman, was acquitted.
But even a kangaroo court needs to follow enough protocols to at least appear legitimate. Any judge, no matter how corrupt, would recuse himself or herself from a case involving an immediate family member because of the obvious conflict of interest.