Pain

intense feelings

I try my best to impress you everyday.
But you pay less and less attention each and every day,
Yet you stop only to yell at me.
Why?
Do you not care about me anymore?
Somebody you once called your everything now gone?
Forever.
You said you loved me,
I believed you.
Yet you lied to me,
Everyday.
Why?
What have I done to hurt you?
I tell you how much you mean to me,
How I love you and everything you do.
But,
All i get in return is hate,
Lies,
Regrets,
Anger,
Threats,
Broken promises,
Broken hearts...
What have I done to deserve this?
You tell me you love me,
Yet you yell,
Hit,
Lie,
Tease,
This all hurts me.
You scare me when you do these things.
All I have left is my soul,
Broken down,
Crying for hours,
Yet I still wake up everyday to impress you.
Hoping one day you'll understand me.
But it never happens.
Ever.
How much hurt do you think I can take?

Everyday I wonder,
Will today be my last?
Yet it's not.
Why?
Why not?
But there's a reason.
I keep living that day trying to make you happy.
But I always end up in tears...
 If i tell you I hate you,
You may leave me,
I don't wish for that to happen.
Ever.
You hurt me more and more every day.
I'm just waiting for the one day that you will suddenly understand,
Yet it never comes.
Ever.
I think I love you,
But i may be wrong.
I never really know if you love me,
Hate me,
Or wish I were dead...
But yet i still tell myself everyday,
Today will be the day you see the real me.
Today we will be just friends.
Today will be a better day than the one before.
But in reality,
Today,
Is just another day closer to death.
What is there to be happy about that?
Nothing.
Why should i make you miserable just for making me?
I shouldn't.
How can we stay like this?
We can't.
I won't.
You wish for me never to leave,
Yet you treat me in such ways I wonder,
Why don't I leave?
Why haven't I left already?
The sooner the better,
Right?
I guess I shouldn't be the one to complain..
My life isn't horrible.
You just make it a living hell.
But yet I love you.
Why do you love me?
For this is something I will never know.
Why?
You do not tell me.
Why?
I will never know.
Ever.

Why should I celebrate the day we got together?
It's just a horrible memory for me.
Just another day I could've done something better in my life.
Better than you.
Much better.
I wasted so much of my life with you.
Why?
I love you..
I thought you loved me.
Those will be my last words to you,
If we ever make it that far...
For you to yell at me like that,
Tell me you hate me,
You never loved me,
You'd been lying to me this whole time.
Six months.
Does my pain bring you pleasure?
Do you like it?
Every night I cry myself to sleep.
Wishing the next day will be the one that you see me,
Accept me,
Love me...
The real me.

But this day is just a dream of mine.
How silly of me,
To think you will ever do such a thing.
You will never understand me.
For I am so much more different than you.
I love you hate.
You think you know me,
But hat's just an act.
To impress you.
But still,
Your not satisfied.
Ever.
You will never love me.
For you cannot love.
Only hate,
You've fooled me for so long,
I had no idea.
How much it hurt to love,
But not be loved in return.

You tell me to be me,
Yet I try to tell you that's not who I am.
You tell me to do what I do.
Then you stop me,
Yell,
Curse,
Threaten to leave me...
Forever.
So now I am scared to be the real me,
For you are the one I am afraid of.
You're  not the sun in my rain,
You're the stormy day in my summer.
You're...
I do not wish to say it,
For you may punish me.
Leave me.
Yell at me.
You're
You're my everything...
Go ahead do what you wish I deserve it for acting this way.
Leave me.
For as long as you wish.
Forever.
Find another girl to play with.
There will be plenty.
You're an attractive man,
I'm not an attractive girl...
You love me.
For unknown reasons,
Why?
I'm not pretty.
Is it my body?
No?
So you like nothing about me.
What made you choose me over every other girl?
Am I just your first victim?
No.
Just the the easiest,
Easiest to tease..
To torture.
It hurts me inside,
To know you love me not,
Yet I try my best everyday to make you happy.
To try and make you love me.
Yet you do not.
You tell me,
But do you really mean it?
No.
I figured not.
Why should I love the one who loves me not?
Because he's the reason I wake up everyday.
The reason I no longer slit cuts into my soft flesh,
And let the blood flow out.
Although the pain made the pain deep inside me disappear,
I do not wish for this man in my life to disappear.
Why?
Because I will love him forever and always.
Always.

Author's Note

yeah it's really long but if you read it what do you think?
reviews are appreciated...

Inspiration: my lovely ex boyfriend :)