Fragrant party

Fragrant party

A Story by Woody
"

Real gentlemen at the Duchesse's party

"

Like every Saturday evening, the Duchess is giving a party to the most prestigious people in town. The crème de la crème. There are counts, barons, dukes, heirs to the throne, in traditional garb and regalia. Several men in tuxedos are chatting up women in frilly dresses. Laughter and clinking of glasses can be heard now and then. The waiters seem to be gliding on the marble floor as they're slaloming amongst the guests with their silver trays laden with glasses of champagne. 


On a raised platform, overlooking the majestic ballroom, the pianist is giving one of his best performances, even though his legs are too short to reach the pedals. His nimble fingers are not only teasing the white keys but the black ones as well. He is that good.


The duchess sweeps down the marble staircase of her mansion in her flowing regal dress. Her tiara catches the light and the guests gasp as one man. All conversations suddenly die down and heads turn toward this angelic beauty who seems to be standing on a descending escalator. The men, their champagne forgotten, are trying hard not to drool and the women are smiling with their lips while their eyes are shooting poisoned arrows. 


As the duchess reaches the landing, and the guests fan around her, the unmistakable sound of a humongous fart is heard. The duchess is petrified. She scrapes her shoe on the floor, trying to reproduce a similar sound but you know as well as I do that the sound of a fart is unique. It is no more similar to a shoe scraped on the floor than Beethoven’s fifth is to banging on an upturned pot. The duchess’s eyes search wildly for her butler. He is standing nearby; ramrod straight, his bald pate is gleaming under the bright chandelier. She snaps at him: 


“James, stop that, at once!” To which he calmly replies: 


“Yes Ma’am. Which way did it go?”


The guests pretend they haven’t noticed and, soon,  the Duchess, in her glittering gown and dazzling tiara, is sitting between Count Basie and Duke Ellington. She's daintily holding a slender glass of champagne, her pinky raised. The duke has just told her a limerick of a man from Nantucket and she's laughing out loud. Her diamond earrings catch the light of the enormous chandelier beautifully as she shakes like someone having a seizure. 


Suddenly, and at the very moment the pianist ends his piece with a flourish, the Duchess lets loose a fart that rattles the windows of the ballroom. The Duchess is mortified. She's on the point of passing out when the duke, ever the gentleman, stands up and says:


"I'm terribly sorry. Please forgive me, Duchess. I was a perfect fool to have had beans for dinner, tonight."


And he sits down. The hubbub resumes and one of the waiters opens the windows. The Duchess is relieved in more than one way and silently thanks the duke. 


Five minutes later, another treacherous wind escapes the Duchess as she is rearranging her brassiere. Up jumps the duke again, apologizing profusely. Those in the vicinity surreptitiously edge away, wrinkling their noses, probably thinking they should’ve stayed home. But not long after that, and as things always seem to come in threes, the unfortunate Duchess breaks wind again. As the duke is on the point of standing up, the count puts a hand on his shoulder and says:


"Please, Duke, this one is on me." 



© 2015 Woody



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Featured Review

Hilarious.
First thing first,
is it weird that one of the things I adore most about this is the font? probably.

Either way, great story. A great joke as well. Written well and geniuenly the last bit made me laugh out loud, making me look quite a bit odd to my co-workers. (Whom I believe have no idea that I am not currently doing work on this computer of mine.)

Thank you for the story. I'll probably look through your Writing section, as you seem to be quite the amusing writer.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

...

1 Year Ago

Any time Woody, you're a gas :)
LastMonth

1 Year Ago

Shhh. I say live and let live, I won't pry into what they are doing (Or should be doing) and hopeful.. read more
Woody

1 Year Ago

live and let live's a good motto.
hey Lynn, what are you doing in this spot? lost in the corr.. read more



Reviews

I've only just found this , Woody. Never before have I seen the status of flatus in the upper echelons of society, given such prominence. Your pen has a nobility of its own. It nearly made me wet myself.
Keep 'em coming, Woody. The world needs a few laughs.

Norman

Posted 11 Months Ago


XD Never have a read a more eloquent fart joke! As always your piece made me laugh and smile and I really needed that today; thank you for another great write!

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

pleasure's all mine, Dear :)
thank you for checking this one out.
Winslow Des Totes

1 Year Ago

I think I will make it a new habit to read your work when I am down. It is very uplifting and fun an.. read more
Woody

1 Year Ago

I'm flattered and honoured :) I hope I won't disappoint you.
Wood, sometimes I have found myself in the same situation, it is easier for me to take the blame because isn't that what is expected if the love of your life drops one in a crowd. The rewards can out weigh the embarrassment (if you know what I mean) but as my mother always said 'its a fool arse that can't rejoice'
Nice one.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

Hi Will. good to see you again.
yes I know exactly what you mean. never happened to me though.. read more
There's only one thing I love as much as stories about balls . . . and you certainly delivered in spades this time! What makes your story so delightful is the elevated language & hoity-toity descriptions which you peel off like sheets of gold lame . . . thus, the unwelcome trumpets are all the more contrasting to your carefully crafted scene of high society. This one is truly the height of humid hot fumes, my friend. The only thing missing from your exquisite descriptions would be to spy a ball gown billowing just a tad! *har-de-dar!*

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

oops! no ball gowns? I wrote this in 2014 and I'm sure it would've turned different had I written it.. read more
[send message][befriend] Subscribe
...
laughing...................................... what else is there to do but laugh at a fart. Man or flatulence lololol

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

the more serious the situation is, the funnier they are.
thank you lynn for stopping to brig.. read more
...

1 Year Ago

No sir...??? Well maybe...laughing...psssst, Lynn, back up here hahahaha
I was lost looking f.. read more
Woody

1 Year Ago

hahaha follow the smell :)))
Hilarious.
First thing first,
is it weird that one of the things I adore most about this is the font? probably.

Either way, great story. A great joke as well. Written well and geniuenly the last bit made me laugh out loud, making me look quite a bit odd to my co-workers. (Whom I believe have no idea that I am not currently doing work on this computer of mine.)

Thank you for the story. I'll probably look through your Writing section, as you seem to be quite the amusing writer.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

...

1 Year Ago

Any time Woody, you're a gas :)
LastMonth

1 Year Ago

Shhh. I say live and let live, I won't pry into what they are doing (Or should be doing) and hopeful.. read more
Woody

1 Year Ago

live and let live's a good motto.
hey Lynn, what are you doing in this spot? lost in the corr.. read more
Must've been pretty awesome flatulence for talented noise makers like Duke Ellington and Count Basie to want to own them :) haha

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

haha you know me. I like to fool around. thanks for dropping in, Dear :)
The Count and the Duke have breeding indeed, donno about the Duchess though...seems more of a windbag to me ???

Another 'cracker' Woody, "Please, Duke, this one is on me."....those last 7 words sold it for me and brought the house down !!!

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

2 Years Ago

hahaha a windbag? better than a douchbag, I suppose.
I'm pleased as Punch that it made you la.. read more
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! You are a hoot! I loved how this piece was read as poetry, but at the same time with light humor here and there. It was simply divine and marvelous! (I say holding a teacup full of Earl Gray tea with my pinky up)

With that being said, it also made me think of this:
https://youtu.be/cVikZ8Oe_XA

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

2 Years Ago

:)) thanks loads Nadia. so glad this made you laugh.
Amadeus, Amadeus.. Amadeus haha very fun.. read more
Nadia Gerassimenko

2 Years Ago

An epic party for an epic farty party
Why is it that men find flatulence so funny. Charlie is only eight, but by some indelibly imprinted genetic programming both he and his little male friends already find it utterly rib tickling, whereas, whenever such things rear their heads, any girls that happen to be around simply wrinkle up their noses and look utterly disgusted. Men, eight or eighty, they never change!

Secretly, though I will never confess to such, (whoops, I think I've let the cat of the bag as it were,) I found this really, really funny.



Beccy.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

2 Years Ago

thank you dear Beccy. you always make my day with your reviews.
I supposed farts are disgusti.. read more

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Added on March 28, 2014
Last Updated on March 26, 2015
Tags: fun, silly stuff.

Author

Woody
Woody

Mateur, Bizerte, Tunisia



About
ok, time for an update I think. my old friends have come to know me pretty well, I trust so this is for the new comers. I'm a Tunisian 60-year-old teacher-cum-translator, book worm who enjoys writing.. more..

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