therapy

therapy and a tribute (of sorts)

BOY! It is so good to be back here!

I missed all my friends here. The wonderful writers and poets. No, I won’t name any. Some might take it amiss if I mention them second, third or even last. Worse still, I may forget a few. I missed reading your excellent writes and, I admit, I even missed those sadists who enjoy using effing headache-inducing words (I’m sure you know whom I mean).

What I’ve come to realize is that WC has a way of growing on you. It creeps up on you and, before you know it, you’re hooked. Or is it just me?

My absence was never by choice. Work had kept me away from the site. That is one of two reasons. And the effect was alarming to say the least.

The first signs that something was not right started showing after a couple of days away from WC. I ran a slight fever and started fidgeting, which I put down to work and stress. Then I lost weight and started mumbling to myself. I stopped shaving. Not just my beard but I won’t get personal here. Nights turned to nightmare. I tossed and turned. I thrashed in bed so badly that I gave my wife a black eye. My wife got worried and urged me to quit my job and go back to the site but of course that was not a sensible thing to do. I held on but something new happened. I started speaking in my sleep. If you’re married to a jealous woman, you’ll know the danger of the situation.

I was having breakfast with my wife on our veranda when she asked in a mock off-handed manner:

“Who’s Dah?”

“Who?”

“You heard me. You were speaking in your sleep again last night.”

“Come on honey! I know no one by that name. Are you sure it was Dah?”

“I heard you clearly shout “FREE DAH! FREE DAH!” Such anguish in your voice! Sounded like someone being held captive.”

“I can assure you I know no one called Fr… I mean Dah. Trust me.”

“You also said Bacchus and April several times. Are you planning on getting pissed next April?”

Needless to say, I completely lost my appetite.

Last week, the work that had threatened to kill me was finished and I rushed to my laptop, intending to write a new masterpiece but I hit a wall. My mind was a blank slate. I stared at the white screen in horror. What if I could not write again? About an hour later I had to admit that something was wrong with me. My wife looked at me with her one good eye and said:

“Honey, you’ve got to go see Dr. Reah.”

“You’re right,” I said, “I’ll take an appointment for the afternoon.”

                   *******************

 

The examination took 50 long minutes. Doctor Gorner Reah went and sat behind his desk and looked me in the eye. His face was inscrutable. He must be one hell of poker player. He seemed to be enjoying looking at me squirm. Finally he let me have it:

“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you that you’re suffering from a severe case of GWB.”

I thought I didn’t hear him right.

“George Dubya Bush?”

“Gross Writer’s Block,” he explained.

The news couldn’t have been more devastating. I was hoping he’d say cancer or Ebola or some similar benign affliction. I was finished as an eminent writer. What would my fans think of me? Would they mourn me? Would they organize candle-light processions in the streets? I admit I thought of taking the easy way out but I’d rather die than take my own life. Dr. Reah's voice shook me out of my reverie:

“Look, Woody, I can’t give you anything for this. My advice is to try and write about it. After all, it worked for Shakespeare, so I don’t see why it won’t work for you.”

I don’t know where he got that s**t about Shakespeare having writer’s block but I was willing to try it. And that’s what I’m doing.    

Author's Note

I'm writing about my predicament because nothing else has worked. I've tried everything, paracetamol, cough syrup, viagra, you name it. let's see if this works.

[there are references to three wonderful poetesses who've unfortunately dropped off the radar: Frieda, April and Vidya Baccus]

[it's an old one I wrote a while back. at that time, I was plagued with the worst case of writer's block you can imagine]

Reviews

[Vidya Bacchus]

Hahahaha oh lord but I have missed you Sir Woody.Only you could have written this wonderful write.Aww thank you for remembering a Bacchus lol.I know Freida and April will love this also.You tried viagra too ? Hmm that one is a whole other story I guess.Have a great day Woody and thank you for this big smile on my face :)

[Woody]

thank you Dear. there's no better reward than to hear the laughter of the reader.
I'm sorry you've had some hard times lately. the life of a mother and wife is not an easy one. thank god I'm neither. being a man is really great. you should try it :)

[Vidya Bacchus]

Lol...haven't had a hard time Woody .Am very happy just tired and busy.Oh no I think I'll pass on trying to be a man it seems to be very hard lol Pun intended.You are welcome dearest friend :)

[barleygirl]

This is an amazing autobiographical snippet! I love it! There are so many things I can relate to. Ever since I started on WC in February, I barely visit Facebook anymore . . . my friends here share with so much more depth, I can't abide by the superficial so-called "friendship" on social media sites anymore! Also, this is the 3rd reference to Freida that I've happened upon in 2 days! I think everyone must be missing her (I didn't get to know her at all, but I feel like I do, the way so many have written tributes to her!) Last but not least, there are tons of "writers block" pieces posted here, but this is by far the most imaginative & original & spellbinding. Excellent job breaking thru the mind sludge that grabs us all at times (((HUGS)))

[Woody]

thank you so much Dear. and sorry about the late response. I keep popping in and out like Jack-in-the-box. I hope this is it,though.
yes we've lost a few along the years but that's life, right? got a few reviews to catch up on then I'll get back to you (((H)))

[Jacob Clifford]

Always a valiant effort to best writer's block. So many people make stories about writer's block, but they don't always work out. Mine certainly didn't. But you're still around, so you must have overcome your illness. Congrats! How much medicinal marijuana did you need to feel better?

[Woody]

haha I've tried them all but Shakespear's trick worked just fine :)
thanks a lot Cliff, may you never know WB again in your life.

[James]

I feel you buddy, I would rather die than take my own life too. Finding humor in writers block is pretty awesome when you pull something like this out.

Oh, glad you didn't get too personal with the shaving.

[Woody]

hahaha you know me. I'm too prude for that.

thank you James for reviewing and for making me laugh :)

[LastMonth]

Can't say I was surprised,
but it's kinda awesome to see a read into your past here.
Wow, you've been here for a while.

Meanwhile I'm a super newbie, here for less then a month.
Still, enjoyble read through.
Even when you're stumped you're talented.

[Woody]

thank you dear friend. I've seen a few writers attempt this. it's as good a trick as any to try and beat this thing.
thank you for always being there with nice words.

[LastMonth]

Thank you? I thought I'm being paid for this!

[Woody]

ahm... errr.. do you accept dodgy cheques?

[LastMonth]

...I... Yeah, sure. A sleazy payment is better then no payment at all.

[Woody]

that's my boy! :))))))

[Shabeeh Haider]

I wasn't here when you wrote this piece but I am sure your fans would have missed you terribly.
After reading this once can safely say that you have no issue of writers block.
It's just as wonderful as the other stories of yours that I have read here.

[Woody]

so good of you to stop and read about my past predicament, Haider.
thank you very much for the kind words.

[Nigel Newman]

Woody, I suppose because I'm still getting to know you, I didn't realise you'd even been on a break. I haven't quite got to the point where withdrawal symptoms sweep over me if I leave WC for a while, but I can certainly empathise. I enjoyed this piece. I'm sure you could think up several more wordplay names if you chose to, but this was a good start! I also liked the bits about your wife's eye. In fact the only part that didn't ring true was the laughability to a Brit of getting a doctor's appointment the same day. this is so bad in Britain that I might write something about it. (Actually in an oblique way I did with Stupid Bloody Health Service).

As for writer's block, I've been writing lyrics and songs and poems for almost 50 years, and they're like the buses along our high street - none for ages then two or three at once. I've just kind of grown up alongside the gaps and that's just how it is.

Cheers
Nigel

[Woody]

Nigel, it's such a treat to have you visit my page and read my "silly" writes. thanks a bunch, mate. it means a lot to me that a native speaker takes the time to stop to review.
I may have told you before that I love English humour and I try to emulate the likes of John Cleese. thanks for the info about the doctors' appointments in England. I didn't know that. it's not that bad here. well, sometimes it is but more often than not, you just go and wait for your turn without even making an appointment.
incidentally, I wrote this a while back when WB was particularly acute.
I'm going to take a look at Stupid Bloody Health Service, that is if I haven't already.
ta very much.

[M.E.Lyle]

Oh my, have we all gone streaking mad, or is blockage now an epidemic. This piece of yours is truly masterful and only goes to show...you haven't lost it, misplaced maybe, but not lost.Your wit is as sharp as ever... Dr. Gorner Reah...hilarious. I hope you didn't shake his hand, or for that matter, any other part of his anatomy. I hit walls too. The last time I broke two bones in my left hand. The doctor said I only had writer's cramps, but the bone sticking through my skin said otherwise.
Have a great day, and don't hit anymore walls, it hurts too much.

[Woody]

hahaha you're too funny for your own good my friend :) oh no I didn't shake his hand (you killed me with that one)
thanks a million my friend.

[M.E.Lyle]

My pleasure, I mean that in the cleanest possible way.

[Woody]

yes cleanest my a** :)))))

[Taylor]

Whenever I have writer's block, I'm going to come back here and read this. It may not help the WB's but it'll give me a good laugh. As an American, I especially like the GWB translated into George Dubya Bush, but there were many lines just as funny. So I'm interested in how Viagra works for writer's block; I should think it would put a real kink in things. Sometimes I've come down with writer's cramp. I don't know whether that's more rare than writer's block but it's just as lethal, I think. Well done again, friend.

[Woody]

haha I was at my wit's end so yeah, I used viagra as well. needless to say, it didn't work as I'd hoped it would but it did wonders later when.. let's not get into specifics.
do you get writer's cramp from typing? I haven't had that since I stopped using a pen.
thank you so much, Dear. I'm overjoyed you liked it.

[Taylor]

I get digital writer's cramp in my digits.

[Stan Lee]

It must have worked anyhow cz here you are still writing all this time later :) Shakespeare was willing to try anything I believe. haha. I was sure that the doctor was going to be called Di but then that would have been too predictable. Just classic. I love that one can discover more and more reasons to giggle while reading your stories. :) Always très amusant!!

[Woody]

it was either Gorner or Darya :) always good to see you around. glad you found it amusing.
merci Beau cou.

[Stan Lee]

rofl-ing my head off (so overtired rn)

[Roland Petrov]

It worked! "I'd rather die than take my own life" is a gem, as is being called Dick when your name isn't Richard! Very funny stuff.

[Woody]

thanks a bunch Roland. you may have missed a couple of hints as you are relatively new to the site. Frieda, Bacchus and April are (were?) good poets here and it was kind of a tribute to them.
this damn writer's block seems to be back with a vengence. every time work keeps me away, I find it hard to get back on the saddle.
glad you found it funny my friend.