Ball-warming Reception

Ball-warming Reception

A Story by Woody
"

this is for the "Boiled in Bat Guano" contest.

"

The word was out. “There’s a rat among us!”


The whole Café was in turmoil. They had to track him or her down, flush him out somehow. It won’t be easy, though. This evil character is a real chameleon. He keeps changing his avatar. He could be any sweet little girl out there, pretending to write girly stuff. But eyes are wide open, waiting for the tiniest slip-up, the smallest giveaway sign. 


When a poet found his poems posted on another site under this plagiarist’s name, all hell broke loose and all WC’s poets rose as one man. “A plagiarist in our midst? Inconceivable! We need to flush him out like the t**d he is.”


The Café’s finest hounds are actively sniffing the tiniest corners of the place, asking for proof of ID from the poets. WC can boast the best detectives on the net. While poets like Ana, KLGoode, Realmwriter and Noel, to name but a few, are scouring the site, Momzilla is preparing her special brew of bat guano in her notorious black pot where many a plagiarist has taking a dip more often than not.


[This next part is pretty graphic, so if you’re a sensitive soul or have a weak heart, I advise you to skip the following paragraph. You’ve been warned. Needless to say, don’t try this at home; your sibling might not have a good sense of humour].


Rumour has it Momzilla's gone out of her way to make it a special welcome for the poor sod. In fact she apparently intends, to first hang him by his foreskin above the boiling concoction. Then she’ll hogtie him (Oh, don’t be fooled, she’s a tough lady. Have you read any of her writes?), hang him once again but face down and let his weighty balls (not that I’ve seen them. I’m guessing here. I mean someone has to have big cojones to dare steal the labour of others, right?) dangle inside the bubbling stew, just long enough for the skin to peel off, which she’ll collect with tweezers and feed to her schnoodle.


Now the ladies here may be thinking that this is a too-mellow punishment. Let me tell you Dearies that I’d rather be poked in the eye with a red-hot iron than let anyone touch that precious part of my anatomy. And I know this from experience. One day, the bedroom door banged shut on my, you know, equipment. 


Thank God, my wife and I had already had two kids.    

© 2014 Woody


Author's Note

Woody
my humble contribution to the contest. I have to say that I'm not much concerned myself as the plagiarist's targets seem to be only the brilliant poets here. you know as well as I do that my poetry sucks.

My Review

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Featured Review

Nobody has plagarized me either. Apparently nobodyhas stolen Sam Dickens' writing. Yet you and he and I are three of the best writers on this site. Your stories are just brilliant. THey add humour this site needs.

I don't worry about plagarists. They aren't real. They have nothing to offer.

Posted 9 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

MomzillaNC

9 Years Ago

The contest may be found here: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/
Woody

9 Years Ago

ok I'll certainly check him out. thanks. of course, I couldn't name all the good ones. there's yours.. read more
Woody

9 Years Ago

1.........



Reviews

How could I NOT click on a piece with this title? I'm happy to report that your "piece" didn't disappoint. I haven't read Momzilla, but your description makes me want to look her up. I also loved your aside about why you assume the perp has mongo cojones. But at least there's nothing phallic here, other than your provocatively varnished handle *heh! heh! heh!* . . . The reason nobody steals your writing is becuz your unique fingerprint (or should I say Woody-print) is way too recognizable!!!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

8 Years Ago

now don't make me change that effing handle. I swear it's been my nickname for years and I like it. .. read more
Great job on this one Woody!
I hope you won the contest haha

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

8 Years Ago

thanks a lot my friend for the praise and the wishes :)
the result is not really important. d.. read more
A plagiarist's balls boiled in bat guano? What will you think of next! Looks like I've missed the competition, and thankfully so; how can one compete with this?!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

8 Years Ago

haha you give me too much credit but thanks a lot. you have a great sense of humour, Rolaand. I'm su.. read more
Oh, he's a humble lad. Woody, your poetry does not suck. You really have to STOP saying that. Your stories are amazing. I couldn't write a short story to fit one page if my life depended on it. I like the detail in this one. I vote a 2

Posted 9 Years Ago


If some one is doing that, I hope they are caught. My mom and Grandmother were published poets, but I would not even put one of theirs on unless I said who the author was. Valentine

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

9 Years Ago

someone told me once that the minute you post something on the net it stops belonging to you. it's s.. read more
Your poetry does not suck.You are one of the most wonderful writers on this site and a sweetheart at that.Eeeek that is very cruel and unusual but much deserved punishment.Very amusing as ever Sir Woody :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

9 Years Ago

your kindness far exceeds my poetic prowess, Vid. thank you Dear :)
I have to confess that thi.. read more
Vidya Bacchus

9 Years Ago

You are welcome and forced or not it was all you and as always cleverly written and well enjoyed by.. read more
MomzillaNC

9 Years Ago

Please enter the contest, Vidya. Contest URL http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano.. read more
The torture... oh, the graphical, nightmare bringing, shudder causing, hypothetically feelable torture..... Although, I think he has to have tiny, minuscule, nanoscopic ones to steal the labour of others. A very enjoyable write! :) :) The poor soul.......
Ps, a very interesting contest!!

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Moonie

9 Years Ago

I'm not that good at comedy...as you may know by now... ps more and more people have started calling.. read more
Woody

9 Years Ago

oh I'm sure you're being modest.
you know your name's long so MFD seemed the obvious abbreviat.. read more
Moonie

9 Years Ago

No, I am being honest, rhymes and comedy are my weaknesses...and I am trying hard to overcome them .. read more
Lord! Woody, I can almost see myself cackling over the pot as he's lowered into it! ROTFL. Really terrific entry for my contest!

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

MomzillaNC

8 Years Ago

I loved your story so much. It’s hilarious and needs publishing! It’s in a category all it’s o.. read more
Woody

8 Years Ago

thank you so much Momzilla. and thanks for the praise too. it means a lot to me :)
MomzillaNC

8 Years Ago

You’re more than welcome. Love reading your stuff!
I find plagiarism to be pretty much the most pointless thing imaginable. Inconceivable that anyone gets satisfaction from such an activity. Bit like paying a gardener, then pretending it's all your creation when everyone knows, (or gets to know,) better.

Of course, in some circles, Imitation is thought to be the sincerest form of flattery.

Beccy.

Posted 9 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

MomzillaNC

9 Years Ago

Please enter the contest too: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/
Woody

9 Years Ago

well Beccy, there's a definite pleasure in receiving praise and gaining notoriety. of course, secret.. read more
Mine too, poetry that is...not my manly parts. I hope Momzilla gets her man. Is it appropriate to say at this moment, I feel your pain? There was this incident with a fish hook once.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

9 Years Ago

haha why? did you go fishing in the nude? thank you for empathising, my friend. I've got new ones ma.. read more
MomzillaNC

9 Years Ago

Please enter too, Mr. Lyle: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/

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Added on December 30, 2014
Last Updated on December 30, 2014
Tags: plagiarism, WC, poetry, punishment

Author

Woody
Woody

Mateur, Bizerte, Tunisia



About
ok, time for an update I think. my old friends have come to know me pretty well, I trust so this is for the new comers. I'm a Tunisian 60-year-old teacher-cum-translator, book worm who enjoys writing.. more..

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