It's Dark!

a fledgling salesman

Yawrzt Rooly is not a handsome man. In fact, he is quite an ordinary six-foot-tall man with the broad shoulders of a wrestler. On the wrong side of fifty, he still has a full head of jet black hair, greying at the temples. His eyes are a little closer than they should be and his nose is pinched and pointy. When he smiles, which he does quite often, people are always dazzled by his white, perfectly aligned teeth. Yawrzt’s smile is certainly his best asset and in his line of business, an attractive smile is a killer. Yawrzt is a sales agent. What Yawrzt lacks in looks, he largely makes up for in charm. He was born with a great gift of the gab. Yawrzt is the man of the agency. None of his colleagues can come within a mile of him. He lives out of town. In fact, he would sell a fridge to an Eskimo living in Nigeria.

Yawrzt found out about his gift early in life. Whenever he recalls his first sale, a wide smile lights up his features.

 

When Yawrzt was nine, he wanted to become a professional footballer. He spent hours kicking a ball in the garden. On Sundays, he would badger his father to take him to the park where he would spend the whole morning dribbling and juggling, imagining himself to be Messi or Ronaldo.

One day, (I bet my last dollar you’ve just said: At last, he’s come to the interesting part! Well, I’m sorry but I had to put you in the picture. I have a reputation to safeguard) he was playing in the hall with his ball when it rolled/bounced into the large boot closet which happened to be open. Yawrzt went to fetch it but  sat inside as he often did. He started a conversation with himself, imagining he was signing autographs to beautiful girls. He heard the bell and saw his mother rush to open the door. 

(I heard you! You’ve just said: Where the hell’s he going with this? Look, if you’re going to stop me every two minutes, you’d better go read something else.)

Yawrzt heard his mum whisper with that tall man who often came to their house, always when his dad was not around. He heard giggling which stopped abruptly when a key turned in the entrance door lock. His dad. Next thing he knew, his mum was roughly pushing the man inside the closet and locking it.

“It’s dark,” said Yawrzt.

Slightly taken aback, the man whispered back: “I know but don’t worry, we’ll soon be out of here.”

“Would you like to buy my ball?”

“Euh, no, thanks.”

“Let me out!”

“Ok, ok, I’ll buy it. How much?”

“A hunnered dollars.”

“Jesus Christ! Are you out of your mind?” hissed the man.

“Let me out!”

“Oh, God! Here! Take the money! Give me the ball!”

And that was the very first sale of Yawrzt.

A week later, Yawrzt was in his favourite spot on the closet floor when his client was frantically shoved into the closet and the door hastily shut and locked.

“It’s dark,” said Yawrzt.

God Almighty, muttered the man and, a little louder, “I know but don’t worry!”

“Would you like to buy my sneekers?”

“Kid, they would never fit me.”

“Let me out!”

“For crying out loud! How much?”

“Hunnered and twenty.”

“Jes.. Here’s the money. Give me the sneekers, you little devil,” hissed the man.

 

The following Sunday, Yawrzt’s dad said to his son:

“Say, Champ, how about we go to the park for a little practice?”

“Can’t.”

“Why?”

“I sold the ball and the sneekers.”

“You what? Why, silly boy?”

“So we can buy new ones with the money,” replied Yawrzt calmly.

“And how much did you sell them?”

“Hunnered for the ball, hunnered twenty for the sneekers.”

“What the…! But that’s daylight robbery! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? I’ve a good mind to give you a good beating, you little thief. Come! Let’s go to church.”

“Why?”

“You’re going to confess your sin to Father Mc Kenzie, you bad boy and maybe, just maybe, you won’t go to hell.”

“I don’t want to go to hell,” said Yawrzt, eyes brimming.

“We’ll see what Father Mc Kenzie has to say.”

 

Inside the church, Yawrzt was pushed into the confessional, unceremoniously, by his father who drew the curtain back and strode outside to smoke a cigarette, still fuming.

“It’s dark,” said Yawrzt.

“Don’t you f*****g start!” came the reply from the other side of the partition. 

Author's Note

this is not an autobiography.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Hi Woody. I think modern folk would put a :=)) or something similar. As others have said, this reads almost like a stand-up comedian. There is a very gentle feel to it. I think I imagined something like the punch line, but that doesn't spoil it at all. The eskimo fridge Nigeria line is a bit odd. It's an old joke about sales people, that they could sell a fridge to an eskimo; so I get that. But if an eskimo was in Nigeria, they'd need a fridge, wouldn't they? Doesn't matter in terms of the overall feel, but you might like to take another look at that bit some time.

Nice job!
Nigel

[Woody]

damn I could've sworn I'd commented on your review, Nigel. obviously, I'm slipping up. that's old age for you. so I'm so very sorry for the late response.
now, that exkimo bit was really an attempt (lame, obviously) to make the reader smile at least. of course it's an old joke but adding the Nigeria bit was sort of a novelty. as you said, living there you wouldn't need much convincing to buy a fridge. am I making sense?
thank you so much for stopping to read and for being, as usual, perceptive in your review.

[barleygirl]

This is a great story & a killer twist. I was searching my mind for where this could be going, but you really pulled the wool over my eyes. The build-up is perfectly done, with just enuf examples & not droning on too much. Very convincing. Hilarious confessional scene! Your imagination knows no bounds!!!

[Woody]

extatic!!! :) thank you Dear.
and I need to stress that it's not an autobiography.

[barleygirl]

I forgot to mention how your authors note is as funny as the ending! *tee! hee!* . . . And of course, we believe you.

[Woody]

aah I'm relieved! I only said that in case the character's name gave you ideas.

[barleygirl]

Sorry for my extreme density here (it's still dark out, maybe I need another cup of coffee) . . . I scratched my head over that name & couldn't come up with anything!?!?!?!

[Woody]

oh I'm so sorry. lame joke :(
just say the name out loud

[barleygirl]

I've been saying it out loud a dozen times but I'm not getting it!

[James]

Glad I don't have to go into a confessional! Love the ending. Would have scared the Hell out of me.

[Woody]

I respect all religions but I find this confessing business ridiculous. God doesn't need a go-between.
haha it would scare the hell out of me if I were the priest.
Thanks a lot James. glad you liked it.

[Kaliope]

Haha, that certainly brought a big grin to my face. You still got it Woody!
One minor remark: in the first paragraph - "What Yawrzt lacked in looks..." - I think that sentence would sound better if it was in present tense... felt a bit odd that you switched to past tense there. Could be just me, though :-)

[Woody]

hi Kaliope. so nice of you to drop in :) thanks loads. overjoyed to know this made you laugh.
and thank you, eagle-eye, for pointing out the mistake. I'll fix it.
oh and I must insist this is not an autobiography.

[Samuel Dickens]

Ha! Oh, yeah--once he entered that confessional, I figured things weren't going to go as normal. I wonder who was fuming--the father or the cigarette? Both? A good one, Woody, and new, too.

[Woody]

hah thank you very much Sam. yes I needed to write something new but I'm afraid the well's drying up. getting old my friend.

[Taylor]

Very amusing, enjoyable piece. The twist at the end was fun. By the way, towards the end, the father states he has carried out "daylight robbery." The idiom is "highway robbery."

[Woody]

thank you so much Taylor :) glad you enjoyed this one.
the idiom is probably more English than American. I checked. both are correct. thank you, Dear.

[Taylor]

Now you've taught me something. I did not know of the British idiom.

[Moody]

Not gonna lie, I nearly pissed my pants on this one! Hillarious stuff, Wood.

[Woody]

thanks loads, Mood. I'm glad you didn't. I wouldn't wanna be nicknamed "Pisser's Father" :)
glad you liked it.