History of the World (part 1?)

History of the World (part 1?)

A Story by Woody
"

How God created the universe.

"

At the very beginning, there was nothing. And I mean nothing. No light, no sound, not even a single speck of dust. Zilch.


Then, came God. To this day, nobody knows how God came to be, not Einstein, not Hawkins, not even Donald Trump. All we know is that He came with a bang. Anyway, God looked around and scratched his head. The place looked empty so he decided to furnish it. 


He made billions of galaxies which he filled with planets. At first, things were somewhat messy, chaotic. After all, it was only a start. In fact, there were zillions and trillions of billions of planets that kept bumping into each other. Some even broke apart. But God almighty is, well, almighty, right? So within only 6 days, he got the hang of it and accomplished a feat nobody has ever come close to achieving. He worked out the gravity business and the value of “e”. He created planets of various shapes and colours. There was a red planet, another one with rings all around it. God outdid Himself with that one. There was a blue one with plenty of water on its surface. God Almighty had great fun. His only regret was that there was no one around to admire his handiwork and congratulate him. 


God stepped back and contemplated his work. Something was missing but he couldn’t put his holy finger on it.And then it hit him! It was too dark. God smiled and said: “Let there be light!” Huge balls of fire sprang to life and illuminated the wide expense. “Gosh, I’m good!” boomed God in his gravelly voice that was strangely reminiscent of that of Morgan Freeman.


God sat and pondered his next move. The blue planet was his favourite so he thought of infusing some life in it. First he made a tiny little cell, then another, then another and watched them merge together to make bigger cells. They kept expanding and God thought “Well, blimey! Look what I’ve just made! I’ve just created life!”

 

One Wednesday morning, as God was watching his little cells, marveling at their creation and feeling proud, no doubt, wouldn’t you be? He had an epiphany. “What if I created bigger creatures?” He mused. And He set about creating enormous beings. And that’s how dinosaurs came to be. The good Lord created diplodocuses, tyrannosaurus rex, stegosaurus...Of course at the time, they didn’t have those names. Almighty God referred to them simply as “the big thingies”. It’s only later, much much later that Man, God’s worst creation to date, gave them those fancy names. 


For millions of years (yes, time means nothing to God. He’s Almighty, silly), the Big Thingies roamed the earth, wreaking havoc on God’s favourite blue planet. When God noticed the devastation and the huge amount of dung that disfigured Earth, he thought enough was enough. With a flick of his holy wrist, he summoned a deluge of meteorites to come down and wipe out all the critters.             


Earth remained lifeless, except for the luxurious fauna, until the good Lord, one day, had another epiphany. He smiled, scratched his luxurious white beard and thought “I think I’ll create something in my image”. God chuckled to himself and snapped his holy fingers. At first, He was not happy with what he's done but for a few hundreds years, he kept at it until finally He was satisfied with the result. Man was created. He was exactly the same as you and me, except much uglier. For one, he had no testicles (what’s the use?), just a tiny penis to relieve himself. He also had prominent eyebrows and was covered in hair. yuck!                                                                   

God sat back on his golden throne and thought his masterpiece deserved a better place to live so he put him in his secret garden, Eden, and called him Dick then thought of a better name and called him Adam. “Yes, you look more like an Adam than a silly Dick,” God said, satisfied.


Adam lived in heaven for 230 years (death was not yet invented) happy as can be when one Christmas Eve, God had the dubious idea of creating a better half for Adam. Well, Adam has never been the same again, I can tell you, but that’s another story which I might tell you if I can get a thousand likes.



© 2016 Woody



Author's Note

Woody
to be honest, I feel kinda rusty. can you tell? I'll let you be the judge.

My Review

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Featured Review

Well Woody, we're waiting. I saw one person gave you hundreds of likes so we must well over 1,000 by now. Maybe by then we'll have Hawking or Dawkins rather than Hawkins ...? As always, a very very readable journey. I want to hear the outcome of the Adam 'better half' story. Can't imagine how you'll end it ... maybe 'they all lived happily ever after ...'

Cheers
Nigel

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Months Ago

haha I might filch your "happily ever after" for the sequel. thanks a ton Nigel. the story's brewing.. read more



Reviews

Well, if you feel a bit rusty, it is probably best to re-tell an existing story. And you have done that in a wonderful way. look forward to part two.

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


Well Woody, we're waiting. I saw one person gave you hundreds of likes so we must well over 1,000 by now. Maybe by then we'll have Hawking or Dawkins rather than Hawkins ...? As always, a very very readable journey. I want to hear the outcome of the Adam 'better half' story. Can't imagine how you'll end it ... maybe 'they all lived happily ever after ...'

Cheers
Nigel

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Months Ago

haha I might filch your "happily ever after" for the sequel. thanks a ton Nigel. the story's brewing.. read more
*like*

I'm sure we'd all like to read Part Two
I enjoyed the casualness God displayed while creating miracles and I, too, read it in Morgan Freeman's voice haha

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Months Ago

hey I'm so glad you enjoyed my "true" version of the creation, Gaston :)
tell you the truth I.. read more
And the rest is history? :)
I liked this, great story and humour!

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Months Ago

haha exactly, and the rest is history. thank you for stopping to read.glad you like it.
it's .. read more
Just to let you know, Woody, that having read this for a second time, I still get a belly laugh. I was so enamoured with it that I wrote a rather different version using a new theory that I discovered.
You might like to decide which has the more credibility.
Mine is called The Alternative Genesis. Hope you approve!!!

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

11 Months Ago

haha ok Norm. I'm on it. laters.
So that's how the dinosaurs died! Haha. Very well written. Holy Bible summed up in a few paragraphs (and much better so than that book!).

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

11 Months Ago

hey long time no see, Nadia. I don't know who's been away the longest. glad you like my version whic.. read more
Nadia Gerassimenko

11 Months Ago

Obviously your version is the truest. *Shakes head at other storytellers*
Woody

11 Months Ago

hahaha that's my girl!
A nice blend of myth and science. I like it.

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

11 Months Ago

thanks a lot, dear friend. glad you like it. so sorry I took so long to get back to you.
Woody,
This one made my soul feel so tickleish and happy! Why not have fun and enjoy the creation story. You did so with gusto. You go woody! Bless you Kathy

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

11 Months Ago

hey Kathy; thanks a bunch for stopping in. sorry for my late reply.
glad you liked my "true" .. read more
Kathy Van Kurin

11 Months Ago

Woody,
I love your style and the light hearted spin of writing I hope that life can be the sa.. read more
I actually did imagine his voice like Morgan Freeman's and then you just said it and I literally did lol....it wasn't a lqtm..nah ah...it was a real bark of a laugh!
I can't wait for adam to part with his rib for our part 2...:))))

Posted 12 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

11 Months Ago

hey Moon. thanks a lot, Dear. glad it made you laugh. yeah I'll get to part II soon I hope.
.. read more
I have often thought we may perhaps just be the playthings of a higher hand; then again, I also think that one co-incidence is one too many.

You pepper this with your usual wonderful humour Woody, but the undertone is just a tad more serious and I have to say I liked it very much.

Beccy.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

1 Year Ago

just being my old silly self, huh? thanks a bunch Beccy. always wonderful to see you around.

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32 Reviews
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Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on September 23, 2016
Last Updated on September 23, 2016
Tags: universe, earth, life, Adam

Author

Woody
Woody

Mateur, Bizerte, Tunisia



About
ok, time for an update I think. my old friends have come to know me pretty well, I trust so this is for the new comers. I'm a Tunisian 60-year-old teacher-cum-translator, book worm who enjoys writing.. more..

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