History of the World (part 1?)

How God created the universe.

At the very beginning, there was nothing. And I mean nothing. No light, no sound, not even a single speck of dust. Zilch.

Then, came God. To this day, nobody knows how God came to be, not Einstein, not Hawkins, not even Donald Trump. All we know is that He came with a bang. Anyway, God looked around and scratched his head. The place looked empty so he decided to furnish it. 

He made billions of galaxies which he filled with planets. At first, things were somewhat messy, chaotic. After all, it was only a start. In fact, there were zillions and trillions of billions of planets that kept bumping into each other. Some even broke apart. But God almighty is, well, almighty, right? So within only 6 days, he got the hang of it and accomplished a feat nobody has ever come close to achieving. He worked out the gravity business and the value of “e”. He created planets of various shapes and colours. There was a red planet, another one with rings all around it. God outdid Himself with that one. There was a blue one with plenty of water on its surface. God Almighty had great fun. His only regret was that there was no one around to admire his handiwork and congratulate him. 

God stepped back and contemplated his work. Something was missing but he couldn’t put his holy finger on it.And then it hit him! It was too dark. God smiled and said: “Let there be light!” Huge balls of fire sprang to life and illuminated the wide expense. “Gosh, I’m good!” boomed God in his gravelly voice that was strangely reminiscent of that of Morgan Freeman.

God sat and pondered his next move. The blue planet was his favourite so he thought of infusing some life in it. First he made a tiny little cell, then another, then another and watched them merge together to make bigger cells. They kept expanding and God thought “Well, blimey! Look what I’ve just made! I’ve just created life!”

 

One Wednesday morning, as God was watching his little cells, marveling at their creation and feeling proud, no doubt, wouldn’t you be? He had an epiphany. “What if I created bigger creatures?” He mused. And He set about creating enormous beings. And that’s how dinosaurs came to be. The good Lord created diplodocuses, tyrannosaurus rex, stegosaurus...Of course at the time, they didn’t have those names. Almighty God referred to them simply as “the big thingies”. It’s only later, much much later that Man, God’s worst creation to date, gave them those fancy names. 

For millions of years (yes, time means nothing to God. He’s Almighty, silly), the Big Thingies roamed the earth, wreaking havoc on God’s favourite blue planet. When God noticed the devastation and the huge amount of dung that disfigured Earth, he thought enough was enough. With a flick of his holy wrist, he summoned a deluge of meteorites to come down and wipe out all the critters.             

Earth remained lifeless, except for the luxurious fauna, until the good Lord, one day, had another epiphany. He smiled, scratched his luxurious white beard and thought “I think I’ll create something in my image”. God chuckled to himself and snapped his holy fingers. At first, He was not happy with what he's done but for a few hundreds years, he kept at it until finally He was satisfied with the result. Man was created. He was exactly the same as you and me, except much uglier. For one, he had no testicles (what’s the use?), just a tiny penis to relieve himself. He also had prominent eyebrows and was covered in hair. yuck!                                                                   

God sat back on his golden throne and thought his masterpiece deserved a better place to live so he put him in his secret garden, Eden, and called him Dick then thought of a better name and called him Adam. “Yes, you look more like an Adam than a silly Dick,” God said, satisfied.

Adam lived in heaven for 230 years (death was not yet invented) happy as can be when one Christmas Eve, God had the dubious idea of creating a better half for Adam. Well, Adam has never been the same again, I can tell you, but that’s another story which I might tell you if I can get a thousand likes.

Author's Note

to be honest, I feel kinda rusty. can you tell? I'll let you be the judge.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Well Woody, we're waiting. I saw one person gave you hundreds of likes so we must well over 1,000 by now. Maybe by then we'll have Hawking or Dawkins rather than Hawkins ...? As always, a very very readable journey. I want to hear the outcome of the Adam 'better half' story. Can't imagine how you'll end it ... maybe 'they all lived happily ever after ...'

Cheers
Nigel

[Woody]

haha I might filch your "happily ever after" for the sequel. thanks a ton Nigel. the story's brewing. won't be long now. I'm elated you enjoyed this one.

[Gee]

Oh how I wish I had the patience (and your skill) to put down in words some of the silly stuff that flies around my mainly uninhabited mind. Another amusing piece from the bard of Bizerte. Hope you are in good fettle Woody and your country returning to normality.

[Woody]

haha uninhabited mind. I like that. awfully nice of you old chum. always a pleasure to know my writes amuse you. as for returning to normality, I keep hearing that it takes a long time (as long as a hundred years) to return to normality after a revolution. look what happened in France. all we can do now is sit tight and ride out the storm.

[Shannon]

Welcome back Woody. I don't see rustiness, but this one is subtler than many of your past writings. I would contend not a bad thing at all, but rather another dimension of your writing style.

The sly humor abounds. Then bam over the head with the closing line (which I genuinely hope will be an abscure reference in the near future)! Lots of fun!

[Woody]

aaah that's a relief. I'm actually having trouble suppressing this silly smile on my face. thanks a lot Dear. I'm elated you found this one funny :)

[Shy Joe]

What a great entertaining piece. Fun to read actually. Thanks for sharing.

[Woody]

and thank YOU for reading Joe. I'm glad you found this piece entertaining.

[Jacob Clifford]

It's good to see you back, Woody, you sly dog you. When I saw the description of this story, I knew it was gonna be one whopper of a tale. And I wasn't disappointed. I like the clever injections of humor (God's less-than-poetic vernacular, His Morgan Freeman voice, "not even Donald Trump", dinosaurs, etc). I feel that was the correct approach to this topic, rather than making it a narrative of sorts like you usually do. Different styles for different stories, right?

So you'll continue if you get a thousand likes, eh? Well, excuse me while I make 999 new accounts...

[Woody]

hahahaha you're too kind, Cliff. thanks loads. I truly didn't know what reactions I'd get. it had been stewing in my mind for months. the first one to read it was my son and he thoughtt it was funny so I took the plunge :)

[Jacob Clifford]

I wouldn't worry too much about people's reactions. People will like it. Some may be offended just because of the topic, but I think most people with a sense of humor will get a kick out of this story.

[Woody]

yeah that's what I thought. I hope no one gets offended. it's not blasphemy, is it?