Waiting To See.

Waiting to see

if I will be

after clots of cold

and thick wet pain

veins like ropes

what will I be 

after another dose

Flash of stone

in black for me

one hour ago

I was not me

Balance the vessel

off to the side in nature

black emotion

the glance of a stranger

Paper thin thoughts

hope blows by

the why is why not

always guilt, always why

Play along or be still

no I never will

year after year after year

ago

the water was clear

clean and scentless and plain

gradually then suddenly

it was never a game

blue drops to red drops

cuts aching again

The left side of my head

the meat of my brain

congested with color

that naturally will change

Black like the boulder

that lives in my eyes

black grey black black

it is not alive

With each new drop

different angles of the mind

breeds new pain

a new fullness

to an overfull brain

But always a calm

after chaos which

settles the silt

and I wait to see

if braveness will surface

What more do my marbles

need to look on and flit away

like restless flies

in their nests aching and dry

I want to live

but if living is this

ANY life

is not better than death.