Into This Night We Fumble.A Story by Enigma MonsterThe downfall of a marriage.Going out for a while. Lying again. Gotta try to see through this fog to the end. Love's dead and no one can know. Love's dead and I'm to blame. I was blind-sided. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't ignore the punch in the face feelings that surfaced on sight. Seven martinis and I could manage a short message.To save my sanity! It was innocent, I swear to god. But it was the line I crossed. A few words. A few more. They just cemented things. I got lost, lost control. I tried to have both, but I was weak. Enter pills but the balance was bleak. I thought I could but I couldn't. I could not live properly, knowing you were out there, walking the world. It was hell hell hell. I shut out my crumbling castle. I shut my eyes every chance that I got. But I saw you behind them, like it or not. If it was night, I saw you lay your head on your pillow all alone, and I wanted to be there. If it was morning, I saw you get up and grudgingly head to the shower, and I wanted to be there too. Before things even got started, I ached for you. I saw you everywhere. Doing everything. I was going mad in my loneliness. But I could do nothing. I spiralled. I lost sanity. I was scared all the time. I was destructive. I needed you. I knew it was unhealthy but what could I do? I felt a void where you should be in my life. But it wasn't allowed. I was empty. I was a hollow woman, a bad wife, a bad person, a living lie. I was going through the motions but sinking the whole time. I was long gone well before I told him there was no more love left. You spiraled too, in your own way. And sorry I am, and always will be, forever and ever, from the bottom of my heart, for not understanding your pains from the start. My need consumed me, blinded me. My need was greater than stupid little me. Meet me in the parking lot, drive to our spot, the passion was scorching. The summer was hot. I was a fly caught in a gust of wind, flailing around, my thoughts were all you. Deep, deep in love. I never once cared, about the smudge I put on your life. God I'm so sorry I dragged you through it, till the bitter end when you said we should end. The hurt was more than I could bear. All my own fault for falling in love, though it wasn't a decision. It's just what was. So it ended. I crashed. Crumpled and broken, I was a broken-heart virgin. I was laid low, lower than I'd ever known. And all the way through, all the broken rules and all the passion and you, I was still in a jam that was getting worse and worse. If I believed in that s**t I'd say I was cursed. So it's good that you ended us cause it gave me a chance, to face my face value, and finally admit that the love that I had for most of my life, was gone and now there was someone else I had no choice but to hurt. So on top of my broken heart, it had to break more, when I broke another's heart, when I laid him low. That December was ghastly, for more reasons than that. Fall turned to winter, that Christmas our last. So I went through the storm and everything changed. My heart kind of healed and I took all the blame. I had other lovers and experiences I guess. My heart broke again, but not as bad as it did when it did at our end. From the night you said stop, to the day when months later I said again hey, I thought of you as my happy place. It was always you, in the end. Distractions I had, and you became dim, but when they were gone, I missed you and our sin. I f*****g loved you, and still to this day. I can't explain why, it never went away. So many nights I wished I felt different. It's torture, this love, because you're not in it. I'm looking for a hand, to hold in mine. Yours is perfect, to my imperfect eyes. Because I love you, and it makes me so humble. I'd like you with me, when into this night we fumble.
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1 Review Added on October 8, 2016 Last Updated on October 30, 2016 AuthorEnigma MonsterCanadaAboutHi. So I've written most of my life, in some form or another. Now it's like an addiction. It's like a drug I have to take sometimes. I think what I'm addicted to is that feeling that comes after you'v.. more..Writing
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