Proud

Ever since I was five, I wanted nothing more than to make my mother proud. I was really close to my mother, I would crawl into bed with her every night, and I would do whatever she told me to do. I knew she wanted me to have good grades, so I would push myself to get good grades and to be perfect. And every time I was ready to give up, I never did because I thought to myself, “I have to keep going so that maybe, just maybe she’ll love me and be proud of me.” She would constantly compare me and my sister to anyone we knew, as long as they were smarter, better than us. When I messed up she would say how I was such a disappointment, and how by the time she was twelve she was juggling jobs to stay in school. She knew that I loved her a lot, and when I was in trouble she would use it against me. She would say that I couldn’t do anything and I was going to be in trouble when she died, and she would say how I was going to kill her because I was so stressful. And whenever she said that, I would start bawling. But no matter what she said, I still wanted her to be proud of me, to brag about me to her friends. But when I was in the second grade, my parents divorced. I wasn’t that big of a deal to me because I rarely saw my dad. Then, she got remarried and I got a step-dad, a step-sister, and a step-brother. I noticed that she was paying a lot of attention to my step-sister, but it didn’t bother me. That is until one day we were at the mall and my step-sister, Ella, tripped, but didn’t fall, and my mother was acting like Ella got into a car accident. But then I fell, right in front of my mother, had scrapped knees but no blood, and she didn’t even ask if I was okay. She looked at me like I was embarrassing her by not being perfect. That was the day I drifted from my mother, but even still I wanted to make her proud. After a few years had gone by, Ella decided to live with her mom and her brother went to college. But the distance between my mother and me stayed. She would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a veterinarian, but as I grew older I realized that I really didn’t want to become a veterinarian, I only said it because it was close to a doctor but not as obvious. I realized that what she wanted was slowly becoming what I wanted. But I didn’t care, so long as it would make her love me. I thought I was doing pretty well, until this summer. I just got back from visiting my grandparents in Taiwan and I was really jet-lagged, so I was a bit crabby the day I got back and the day after that. So that day after my sister and I got back, she told us to go to where she was sitting and she started to give a lecture. It was about how we were having such bad attitudes and, I can still remember this clearly, she said, “The month you were gone was the best month of my life. I don’t know why I had you guys in the first place. You are worthless. I don’t even want to be your mom anymore. If you guys don’t fix your attitudes in the next week, I am sending you to your dad’s, then he will see how much $700 a month is worth. Or maybe I will send you back to your grandparents in Taiwan.” After that lecture, I ran upstairs and cried, until my mom came into my room and told me to suck it up, and go back downstairs like nothing happened. So as usual, I did as she commanded. 

Reviews

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

This is deep soul searching and I believe healing for you the writer keep writing about everything that happened to you and it may well heal you from it and you can forgive her for her inadequate personality and unhappiness that she had to take it out on you and eventually you will pity her and you will be the winner in your life that you always were and didn't realise xx

[Avia]

I'm so upset that you had such a childhood. It's heartbreaking and sad. I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, no matter who the person is, you are special, there has never been a you and there will never be a you. Please don't let these things affect you much. I know its not easy, but you have to be happy for you, and all the people who do love and care about you. Don't hate your mum either, just love her. I'm glad i read this, it's very well written and emotional. Well done :)

[Pragati Chaudhary]

That's so heartbreaking!

I cant express how I feel
M sorry :(
May you always be happy and at Peace!

[Willow Rosings]

This is heart breaking! I can't believe that anyone could possibly have such a hard childhood. Looking back on my own, I feel guilty for not appreciating it as I should.

Is this actually how your childhood was, or are you speaking in first person from an imagined character?

[Evelynn]

This is actually how my childhood was

[Ua]

When we are children and born with parents that have lack, we often unconsciously agree to be place holders for the parts of our parents personalities that they have a hard time holding within themselves. As you carried your mom's load of "not being good and being a bother" enough through the years it has made you wise, wise enough to see that it was her load all along not yours, now that you have found this you give back her load realising you were beautiful and perfect all along. Then this gives your mom the opportunity to find whos load she has been carrying, also giving your mom an opportunity to heal. Thanks for sharing the story, I love the candles that kept flickering through the winter nights, you are beauty.

[goodbyeaccountgoodbye]

Woah. This was difficult to read in terms of it being hard to not feel empathetic.

I can relate to wanting to make my parents proud, but this was just heartbreaking.

[Srujana]

Interesting narration, which delves deeper into psychologies..