Fair-Weathered Friend/I Don't Care

Another poem about that horrible friend betrayal...read and enjoy!

You used to be there

You used to care

I was wrong

But it was there all along

And you don't care

You never did

Made me think it was true

Just another lie

On the list of many

 

Play my heart,

Tear it apart

It doesn't matter

When you've had your fill

Go feed on another

Nothing can satisfy your hunger

For hatred and abuse

 

Lift me up

Then throw me down

But only when I need you most

Will you make me drown

 

Leave me in times of need

After you've made me so happy

Be my ground,

Trip me

Watch me cry

Give a satisfied sigh

Come crawling back

I accept

Don't know why

Trip me again

Exasperated sigh

Just another lie

Repeat the cycle

 

I was there

I did care

But now I don't

I know who you are

Push you out the door,

Slam it shut

And I don't care

Author's Note

Yeah criticism wanted...flames accepted. Just not stupid flames...hope you liked :)

Reviews

[Undying Hate (Hanna)]

Thank you! Yeah I'll be sure to change that! The advice you gave was really helpful! Thanks again! :)

[Edgar A Stonehill]

I applaud you for welcoming such feed back, and posting something you know isn't representative of your best effort. There are plenty of writers who only want to hear that their work is good.

Your ability to solicit active criticism and suggestions will make you a better writer. Regardless of whether you use the suggestions or not.

With all that said, here are my suggestions:

First limit the use of "I" and "You". That alone should alter the piece beyond recognition. But it also removes the temptation to write things like "I feel [bitter, angry, betrayed, etc...]". As a matter of preference, most readers of poetry enjoy works that makes them feel that way (which I alluded to in my previous review).

In this piece, you are clearly focused on betrayal. But to get the reader to feel the physical sensations that accompany an act of betrayal they need to feel the closeness of the relationship and perceive it as invulnerable. Again that perception needs to be a conclusion that a reader can arrive at on their own.

After solidifying the tranquility of the relationship, betray it. If the inspiration behind the piece was based on actual events, I would deviate from the events. The reader's emotions should be your objective, not historical accuracy. So in short, make it similar or make it completely different. Just make it worse.

Also motive is a big factor in betrayal. Readers want to know why and if it was successful.

Good luck, and I hope this is helpful.

[the_(in)sane_one]

I love the picture you chose for it. Awesome.

This poem conveys very strong emotion as do all of your poems. It is something you do very well. For some reason the last line really stuck with me. That is the sign of a good and powerful poem.

[Undying Hate (Hanna)]

Okay thanks for the advice! I agree too! I would never call this my best piece but....and yeah that would be nice! Thanks! :)

[Edgar A Stonehill]

Seems like you are telling the reader what to feel, and not giving them the opportunity to feel it themselves.

I can elaborate if you want.