It's your turn now

Wait, listen.

do not dig into my soul.

My soul is an endless abyss,

and just one wrong step,

it takes you to the dark bottom.

You'll stay down forever,

and never see the light.

Can you feel?

The stone is floating

through the cold catacombs of twilight,

who's filled with the smells of sighs.

And you can feel,

the fear of hunger in the tillers,

a velvet of shadowed lost soul.

You're trying that it all looks like a game,

but i can smell your fear.

You think you can run away,

but you're wrong.

The fruit of wild cherry,

is hidden among the thorns,

and a wrenched rose

is decaying in front of the closed door.

I finally decided,

that i'll not suffer cause of your sins,

it's your turn to pay what you've done.

Reviews

[?]

Your poem was really refreshing. Your word-choice and imagery were what stood out to me. I’m not sure about your approach and form.


Wait, listen. (Nice Intro. But I think that each word should have separate line to evoke the feeling of waiting.
do not dig into my soul.
(Since this is another sentence, I think Do should be capitalized. Think of better word other than dig.)
My soul is an endless abyss,
(endless abyss is overused.)
and just one wrong step,
it takes you to the dark bottom.
(More vivid imagery. Just simply say the bottom is dark!)
You'll stay down forever,
and never see the light.
Can you feel?
(Seems random to me.)
The stone is floating
through the cold catacombs of twilight,
who's filled with the smells of sighs.
(Who is who? Antecedent problem. But I like your alliteration and word-choice. I do have problem with the phrase “smells of sighs”)
And you can feel,
the fear of hunger in the tillers,
a velvet of shadowed lost soul.
(Hmm.....
You're trying that it all looks like a game,
but i can smell your fear.
You think you can run away,
but you're wrong.
(The first line doesn’t make sense. The whole stanza really needs work
The fruit of wild cherry,
is hidden among the thorns,
and a wrenched rose
is decaying in front of the closed door.
(Excellent but I don’t you need the rest about the rose)
I finally decided,
that i'll not suffer cause of your sins,
it's your turn to pay what you've done.
(Where did this come from?)

Always look back at a poem and see if it is expressing what you wanted to express. I always think this poem could have been a bit shorter and still have the same message.
Anyway for the most part it was well written.

[BLBrown]

This seems to be about betrayal and letting go of a relationship. I liked:

The stone is floating
through the cold catacombs of twilight,
who's filled with the smells of sighs.

"smells of sighs," love that. Good job!

[ghost writer]

thats a dark read...not sure I agree with the soul being a dark abyss..but your poem built the tension and ended with a strong punch..nice work

[Chris]

Hard words to describe an even harder choice... The price of secrets.

The poem has a smooth flow and a good "voice"

[3110843110843110]

"but i can smell your fear"

Fear is an intense emotion. Your poetry is intense too.

[*~*Butterfly Kisses*~*]

A bit dark and deeply written. An intriguing piece.

[Tomislav Petricevic]

"that I'll not suffer cause of your sins"
Istina je, često plaćamo zbog tuđih grijeha, samo pitanje je radimo li to samovoljno. Nekada preuzmemo krivnju za nekoga kako taj netko ne bi upao u nevolju, ali opet, često šutimo i kada se ljudi ponašaju sebično i prebacuju svoj teret na nas.
Mislim da tvoja pjesma savršeno prikazuje onaj trenutak kada odlučimo reći "dosta", pjesničke slike su ti opet predobre i odlično opisuju tu tamu koju je netko uzrokovao.

[None]

Strong! There are two presences in this, each strong in different ways. I love the sensory imagery and the red theme within this piece. Your application of ideas and things in new ways is refreshing. Love this. Great work.

[Her Guardian Angel]

This is great. Love this.

[The Flame of the Knight]

I like it. It is very good.