The Gravity Chain Part 1

Just part 1. More to come an I hope you like it. Fox-

It all started on May 14 during school. I'm 16 years old, 5' 8" tall. I have red hair and hazel brown eyes like all men in my family. I'm in tenth grade along with Julius Dernun, my best friend since we were five years old, and Sara Grace, another old friend and my secret crush. We were all together in English class just talking about random things when it happened. The whole school started shaking and the three of us dove for cover under a table and waited. Ten agonizingly slow minutes later and the earthquake stopped.

"Is everyone alright? Was anybody hurt?" Our teacher, Mr. Grafter, asked from near the door. After getting responses of "I'm fine" and "I'm ok" Mr. Grafter was about to say something when the PA system went on and the voice of Principal Amson was heard. "Students what just occurred was an earthquake and I hope that everyone is unharmed. We are now evacuating the school because of the risks. Everyone is to exit calmly and stay with your teachers. Paramedics will be arriving shortly and will help anyone who is injured." With that the PA went silent and we began to leave the room.

I decided to be the last one out to make sure Sara got out. We walked out of the room supporting each other since the earthquake left our legs feeling unsteady. Oddly, even though our class was close to the main entrance we were one of the last classes walking out. "I don't like this Sara." I confided while looking at the various cracks and holes in the floor. The area in front of the doors was wide and could easily fit our medium sized class, but I couldn't help but feel like something bad was about to happen.

As we were walking I noticed that the cracks were growing and spreading. "Everybody run! The floors going to collapse!" I yelled as everyone ran towards the door. Unlike them I ran back towards the hallway since Sara and I were too far behind the group to reach the door in time.

When I reached the hallway and I heard something that made my heart stop. "James help!" I heard Sara call as I turned around and saw that she had tripped over some fallen debris and was in the center of the room. Then the floor started to collapse and I watched Sara start to fall. At that point something in me snapped seeing the girl I love about to die and my vision turned white.

Reviews

[MAD ENGLISHMAN]

Apart from a few minor punctuation faults this is a really interesting, exciting and gripping opening.
I don't know if this is based on something you experienced or pure creative writing, it really doesn't matter.
I shall now read the other chapters. I do hope they stay true to form.
Excellent.

[FireFox9]

As surprising as it may be, this story is pure creative writing like you said. I just had the idea. And what you said about the faults and mistakes I made. I'm 16 so it's too be somewhat expected. Thanks though Fox-

[Nusquam Esse]

The tense is a bit inconsistent, so check to make sure that the story is either in present or past tense, pick one, or at least change paragraphs when you make a shift. Also, descriptions of the character would be better interlaced through the story. All part of building balance, rather than trying to introduce all details about a person or place, it is best to weave it into the story so that the piece is more immersive... not to mention, descriptions of a character are probably best not to shove into the first paragraph other than in passing. All in all, I think it could use a bit more fleshing out. In any case, you are doing a good job for a first try, so keep up the work; and in time you should become quite proficient. Most (if not all) new writers have to write several hundred pages of stuff that is ultimately unsalvageable, before they develop the skills to do quality stories; both in technical skills, and in quality of ideas. Get used to the concept that you will have to discard a lot, but what matters more than the stories themselves, is the experience and the dedication to improvement. Glad to see someone taking a step down the story telling path, good luck unto you.

[FireFox9]

Thank you and if you want to there are a few other parts already posted. Fox-

[FireFox9]

Thanks I'll try to use that later on. Oh and if you want to, I've posted a few more parts of you want to read them.

[profeat]

for a first time this really good I like how it just flows now I have to wonder if she is saved

[FireFox9]

Read the next few parts to find out I've posted 2, 3, and 4 if you want to read them and I'll send you requests for new parts when I post them. Fox-

[Chris Atkinson]

excellent writing and its got me intrigued for the txt part, looking forward to reading it. your work realy is fantastic

[FireFox9]

Part 4 is up if you wanted to read it. Fox-

[Zachary Ghazally]

This sounding real good man! awesome beginning!

[FireFox9]

If you like it there's two more parts I posted. I'll probably post more tommorow since I gotta get some sleep. But keep an eye out tomorrow and I'll send you a message when I post part 4 and up.

[Benita-Staebell M - Kin..]

Well done I like it.


You've done a great Job for
the first time doing a story.


Blessings. kindred poet

[Bluefire]

=o I wonder if he saves her or not.
This is good, I like the simple, straightforward way you presented this.
No trickery or fancy wordplay.
That's what makes it unique.
Well done. ^^

[FireFox9]

Thank you I'm posting the next part now. I'll send you a request. Fox-

[Bluefire]

I see you posted many! I shall get to reading them soon.
You're welcome. ^^