noise

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

 

I snap out of my book-induced trance, glaring at the source of the noise.  My little brother is sitting at the computer desk, his little finger absentmindedly clicking against the desk.  Irrationally, I want to rip his hand off.

 

I try to sink back into the pages of a Dean Koontz story, but I feel irritated now and the words simply sit there, disgorging less meaning than a string of Egyptian hieroglyphics.

 

"Can you stop that?" I say testily.  For some reason I have to take a deep breath and bite my lip as he turns but doesn't really hear me.

 

"What?" My brother says too loudly.  He lifts the headphones off one ear.

 

"Stop making noise," I snap, making a Herculean effort to stare at the book.

 

The TV downstairs is on, and I hear an announcer saying something about the Steelers' quarterback.  My brother is listening to a music video, and the cheap headphones spill Bruno Mars into the exposed air.  Someone outside laughs.  And all of this grates so ridiculously on my nerves that I'm clenching the book tightly like I want to rip it apart.

 

Katy Perry sings in a commercial.  A life insurance slogan is sung by a streetfull of people.  A movie advertisement, some stupid thing that's been on at least fifty times tonight.

 

"Can you guys just shut up?" I yell over the sound of the TV, volume surely cranked up as high as possible.

 

They yell some noncommital thing back and don't do anthing about the noise, only adding fuel to the fire.

 

My brother scratches his ear and goes back to the computer.  I hear golfers chatting animatedly outside, just beyond our backyard and through the open window.  I hear the clink of plates and glasses downstairs.  My fingers make a dry sound as I concentrate on going back to the book, ruffling the pages and looking for where I broke my trance.  Even that seems unbearable.

 

"Shut up! Shut UP!" I shriek, and my brother turns, confusion etched on his face.  But nobody really listens to me.  Nobody listens.

 

Footsteps on a carpet floor.  Raised voices downstairs.  More laughter.  A cell phone ringtone plays a popular but terrible song.  Someone says "Hello" in response.  A baby screams.

 

"EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!"  I'm roaring now, and I pitch the book against the wall, the thump and the papery rustle like a needle in my head.  "SHUT UP SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP!"

 

The screaming makes it better.  I can't hear the others now, and I can't hear the voices and the million little things that are so, so loud.  There's just a whisper at the edge of my screams that isn't mine.

 

Thundering footsteps--loud enough for me to hear over my shrieks.  I'm yanked to my feet--even though I wasn't aware before that I was off my bed, let alone kneeling on the floor with my hands over my ears--and someone else is screaming, but it feels like a whisper too, so far away.  A lined face, contorted by rage, forces into my field of vision.  The slap blots my sight with little spots of red.  Again, because I haven't stopped yet.

 

My lungs hurt.  I feel like I've just emerged from underwater.  I gulp air, great swallowing shaky breaths, like I'm about to cry.

 

The noises haven't stopped, and now there's a ringing in my ear and a mocking voice above me, "Shut up, shut up!"  She's curled and distorted her face to look like mine.  I can't cry because I look ugly when I cry, and she'll get even madder.

 

She leaves me on the floor.

 

New sounds.  "What the hell's the matter with her?"

 

Over the TV: "I just don't know."

 

I gulp air on the floor and scream again.

Reviews

[The Lit Wit]

A lovely read. Well done.


Opening:

“Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.”
Great idea, but it could be even stronger.

Perhaps only repeating “Tap” only twice could give it enough impact without overdoing it.

A very short opening often hooks readers better, and shortening this to the bare minimum requirement can help this.



“glaring at the source of the noise.”

Perhaps imply describing the source of the noise right away is stronger to imagine.

The protagonist glaring at the typing brother is a stronger image than stating that the character is looking at something and not saying what until the next sentence.

Perhaps the tapping is the noise of his keys rather than of his finger.
Most people usually are actively clicking/typing on their computer when they sit at it.
Perhaps the protagonist is glaring all the more because she(?) suspects that he’s typing online to his ‘lame’ friends about her(?).


Perhaps the character could be described more, as readers don’t know her/his gender or her name. It’s virtually impossible to picture a character without basic physical details weaved throughout the story.


Structure:


"Can you stop that?" I say testily.

The speech is a great idea, but following dialogue with a tag like “say testily” tends to lessen the impact.

The readers can understand the character’s feelings from the speech, thus the phrase like “testily” is unneeded as readers understand that she is not pleased with the noise.

Dialogue is best followed by a character’s movement to convey emotion.

For example, something like …

I lean towards him, slapping my palm on the table next to my bed, “Hey! Can you stop that?”

This act, like slapping the table, conveys that the sound irritates the character enough to make her hit something.



Spelling Typos:

“Noncommital” is “Noncommittal”

“Anthing” is “anything.”



“And all of this grates so ridiculously on my nerves that I'm clenching the book tightly like I want to rip it apart.”

This tells rather than shows how the noise is driving her crazy.
Perhaps describing her response to the noise is easier to picture than stating that the noise is annoying.

Something like, “Noise swells in my ears. I’m grinding my teeth. The book’s spine twists in my fist.”




“For some reason I have to take a deep breath and bite my lip as he turns but doesn't really hear me.”

The words “for some reason” could be dropped as the reason why she takes a breath is because she needs to and the readers are aware of this.

Perhaps separating the idea of breath/biting from the brother’s movement could give more focus and impact to the protagonist’s actions.

Something like, “I suck in a breath and bite down on my lip. He turns, but doesn’t really hear me.”



“I hear golfers chatting animatedly outside, just beyond our backyard and through the open window. I hear the clink of plates and glasses downstairs.”

The repeat of “I hear” lessens the impact of this.
Perhaps simply dropping the “I hear” could convey it smoothly in the second sentence.

Something like, “Plates and glasses clink downstairs.”




“But nobody really listens to me. Nobody listens.”

A powerful, emotionally charged comment.
Well done.




“I'm yanked to my feet--even though I wasn't aware before that I was off my bed, let alone kneeling on the floor with my hands over my ears--and someone else is screaming, but it feels like a whisper too, so far away.”

A little too much is going on in this sentence. Perhaps describing it into separate sentences could help smooth it out.

Perhaps the character describes the feel of her knees digging into the carpet and wonders when she fell off the bed.

Then she could feel someone dragging her to her feet, screaming.



“I gulp air on the floor and scream again.”
Great idea, but this wording almost suggests that she’s gulping at the floor, not that she’s on the floor gulping for air.

Something like, “I’m still limp on the floor. I gulp air and scream again.”


Overall:
Lovely to read. Well done.
~Melinda

[Kloud_Nine]

erm...temper tantrum much? Kidding. I hope this isn't a real life exp, and if so, I hope it isnt somthing that happens on the regular either cause, I swear, I would kill everyone in the entire house, no joke, I've done it before. Its the most irritating thing in the world - noise - well, while I'm either trying to read, write, or study.

Anyways, on the writing itself, a good story (at least on this site) is a rare sight indeed. Your grammer was on que, well organized and your thoughts were put together quite well. Most importantly, your story was entertaining, even if it was about your misery...actually I think that's why I enjoyed it, nothing personal, I just like to see people suffer.

kidding again. But seriously, great read.

-K9