Unconditional

My mama coughs as she drives angrily to her job. That single cough makes so many thoughts pop into my head like " i'm so tired of this f*****g s**t, i'm tired of her having to wake up at 3 am every morning and go slave, she should be somewhere in a mansion rn living care free. Maybe then she could work on herself and her problems, maybe that's why she hasn't, she's always slaving for us and we're so unappreciative. God willing, ill forgive everything she's ever done and not done and put her in that mansion one day" I watch her ash her cigarettes as i sit in constant fear of the day when her health becomes something far more worse than a bad cough. God i'm dreading that day, not for me but for her. I can handle another struggle and i know she can too but i don't want her to, it breaks my heart to even think about her not being the happiest thing in the world at any time. (my eyes fill with tears but i hold them back bc she is sitting right beside me and we have yet to get to that level in our relationship)my heart outcries for my mother on many occasion, i am filled with sadness when i think about how she is and how she will be. The only thing that comes close to the love i have for my mama is the fear i have when speaking to her. I anxiously wait every time hoping her response isn't filled with anger because God knows it breaks me every single time, but honestly if that makes her feel better i'll go through that everyday if that makes her feel better and i will always love her. I often wonder if this is what unconditional love is. I turn my face towards the window hoping she doesn't see all the love that's filling my eyes as i try to keep it from falling down my cheek, i hide this out of fear of she will respond. What if she doesn't accept it? I can only imagine how that would affect me. So I sit here, occasionally glancing at her to admire her strong, beautiful, frightening presence. I love this woman so much but there have been many times where i feel like she doesn't want me, maybe these are the reasons i chased after a girl that i knew not only didn't want me but wanted another man. Is something wrong with me? Why do I question so much if either of them
want me, why do I always feel like i'm
fighting to be in their lives? They say God takes something out of your life and replaces it with something better but I don't want that, I want what's here now. I don't want to runaway I want build to build on what i have now. But as i've learned you can't always get what you want in life. I love them nevertheless