2:47 pm

Its 2:47 pm, i practice in less than an hour and im flooded with emotions. My heart is racing, my mind is scrambled, this is usually what happens when i think of Emily. her eyes, man just thinking out her eyes alone makes me tear up, they way they light up could make my worst day better. It's so hard to put how i feel about her into words because i have never felt this for anyone, But i'll try. i often complain but it's only because i want more of her. I mean do you think you could resist an angel if God dropped one in your lap? i wouldn't mind spending every day with her but i understand she needs her alone time and i'm okay with that.She thought she stopped being perfect to me but she was the only thing in this world that even came close in my eyes . she told me she has problems wanting to be here and my eyes water because desperately want to give her a solution, i desperately want to give her a reason to live, I would give my life for her peace and happiness. I cry just thinking about her a lot , the feelings i have for her are so strong it often feels overwhelming it scares me. she gets so worked up about disappointing people not knowing that most of those people find the smallest thing bc they envy heard. One day I'll brag about knowing such a beautiful soul. she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen inside and out even when I was angry with her, even as i screamed i hated her. I didn't really hate her I hated how the situation was, it was the worst feeling i'd ever experienced, the worst pain and i was just so angry, i felt like i hated everything, especially myself. How could i let God bless me with this angel and f**k it all up. It made me not want to go further bc if i could do it to her i could do it to anyone. I really felt no point of going on without her, and i know it shouldn't be like that but It was honestly not by choice. That's what people like her unknowingly do, they're so loveable it's unfair but we, this world just destroys them and they pick of traits that make them seem bad. everyday i wonder if her life would be better if I was out of it and it breaks my heart to think i am that bad. I'm such a indecisive person . she once said" you don't really want me, you just don't want anyone else to have me" she was so wrong she was the only thing in life i was so sure i wanted. she is the one thing other than God and helping people I have a passion for, a passion i fill will ever go away. i have so many dreams i want to find God with her, I wanna grow with her, i wanna watch her grow into an adult, a wife, a mother. I want to one day be as strong as her. All i wanted to do was make her life easier, of course i wanted to instead of another person but if she felt like another person would do it better i'd fake a smile pray that she was right. I just want her to be happy.she is still perfect to this day, the days when she acts like she doesn't care i know now that that is not her that is what this world has made her. Love is within her and it shines brighter than ive ever seen and because of that I cannot get her out of my mind.today i wanted to explain to her that maybe all this happened so i could get closer to God, find myself allowing me to be what she wants finally. The closer i get to God the more i appreciate her. Even right now I see her as out of my league. Everything she's been through all the pain and struggles and she's still here. I shouldn't even be in her presence yet God blessed me for some reason allowed me to have all of her and i fucked it up, the only hate i will ever feel with forever will be towards myself because even though she won't ever believe it she is a once in a lifetime thing that any person would be lucky to have. She has love within her and it shines brighter than i've her seen so i die on the inside when she leaves. I desperately try to make that connection with someone else, my brains screams and begs for my heart to long for someone else. The screams are so loud why won't my heart listen? why does it want something it knows we cant have? why won't this pain just go away? She tells me I need help , but doesn't realize i have been screaming for helps. it angers me that she doesn't understand she is the only one that can bring me peace. If it is possible to love after death then i hope we end up on the same page this time.