i wonder

i often wonder if my mom can see the pain in my eyes as easily as i can seee it in hers actually i wonder if anyone can identify when i'm breaking or if the mask i put on so much has become so familiar i don't even know how to stop making it more real than my true self. I wonder if the girl i was so in love with even cares anymore. You think she would come back if she knew how much it broke me when she left? I wonder if she knows she's all i want. I wonder if my little brothers see the guilt in my eyes for the way they turned out. I wonder if my friends see how empty i am sometimes as i kick with them or if they recognized the desperate attempts to fill that emptiness with weed and alcohol. I have fear when i'm undressing that people will see my many other desperation attempts to feel something . I wonder if they see how carelessly i walk across the street as cara speed by. I wonder if my teammates & coaches can see all the pain and hatred i have when i put my helmet because lord knows my opponents can feel it. I wonder if they notice the tears that fill my eyes before and after each game realizing i won't ever get to share whatever i had accomplished with the one person i've always tried to impress with these gifts God has blessed me with... my father. But still I take a knee every game and thank God for another opportunity. I know he knows how i feel, he's the only one yet I neglect him so much. I wonder if i would do that to everyone else if they knew. So many have thanked me for helping them with their problems. I wonder if they would have been so easily comforted by me if they knew i couldn't even fix my own problems..