Precious memories Eternal Bonds

A narrative Essay examining the decision to care for my Grandmother

Photographs litter my walls, bookcases and shelves. They are memories captured on flimsy pieces of paper that mean so very much. One photograph that sits on my book shelf is one of my grandmother holding a newborn baby. The smile on her face spanned from ear to ear this was one of many moments captured in time between her and I. A moment that is near and dear to my heart. I was blessed as a child because I had the chance to see and be around my grandparents, I grew up with them right by my side, especially my grandmother. My grandmother and I did everything together and if we were not out spending time together, I was talking with her on the phone. As a little girl I always imagined she would be there with me. Watching me graduate college, someday getting married and having children of my own. We shared a very special bond and that bond is what held me together through the most challenging part of my life.

 In July 2005 while having just finished my first degree in college and looking at what my bright future held for me and my larger than life plans. I felt invincible and that my life was on an unstoppable track of happiness and success and my dreams as a little girl were coming true. My family was having a barbecue and my mother mentioned that my grandmother had been diagnosed with Alzheimers. I didn’t believe my mother and thought she was over exaggerating why would my grandmother be dealt such a blow she was a good person. I talked to my grandmother about this and she assured me she was fine, I believed her because she was my strength and my rock in life. I needed her to always be there to give me strength to grow and become the amazing person she always told me she saw in me. I didn’t understand a lot about the disease at all so for me it was easy to be in denial and believe her when she said she was fine and just chalk it up too getting older.

The turning point came in late 2009 when my grandmother had started to make more substantial mistakes and no one felt she should be home alone so they asked me to move up there and keep an eye on her and report back what I was seeing.  My grandmother was a very independent women, she didn’t believe anything was wrong with her and so she didn’t need help. I agreed with her and told her I was just there to visit and spend time with her and she loved the idea.  I noticed small things at first, her medicine was not organized as it should be and she would forget to use soap on the dishes. I was still convinced that this was just part of old age and just went around and fixed the simple mistakes this went on for a few weeks. But after doing this for a month I could no longer ignore the facts and signs. I had been doing my reading on Alzheimers and I could see the symptoms clearly now.

My heart had broken into a thousand pieces sharp pieces.  I no longer had the luxury of living in denial of what was going on. My grandmother was still a vibrant wonderful women. She and I would talk for hours and those were the moments that I held onto tightly at night. Those moments reminded me of when she was perfectly healthy. During the day I would cook and help her clean, I would spend as much time with my grandmother as I could. I wanted to cherish every moment I had now more then ever. When night would fall and everyone else was asleep, I would fall to my knees and cry. I begged for this nightmare to end and prayed to God to make my grandmother better. I prayed for strength because I didn’t think I had it in me to watch this happening too her. I refused to show pain or weakness in front of her. I always wanted to show my grandmother the bright eyed happy granddaughter she knew, I wanted to make every moment of her life happy. After three months had passed I could not stand to leave her, even when everyone said I needed to go and live my life. I chose to put my life on hold.  As time passed we found a routine and life ran smoothly for the most part. We ran into a few small bumps. When my grandmother began to lose her words it became difficult for most to understand what she wanted. I became her translator since I understood her, spending all that time around her I became accustomed to her hand gestures and odd words. I could help her best. This went on for 2 years. What I did not know was that I was about to face the most heart wrenching years of my life.

In December 2011, my grandmother’s mood began to change she was no longer happy and smiling, she was sad and depressed. This change broke my already fragile heart. She took a huge drop downhill. My grandmother was beginning to lose more of her words, she became violent, among other saddening losses. Watching her hit and yell and become so violent to the family she loved so much. I was at a loss to what to do, feel, or how to react. As I watched this happen to her, I felt like everything I had ever believed was rocked at the core. I would spent so many nights watching her sleep and not wanting to go to bed because everything seemed so unknown again. I was watching the grandmother I knew my whole life disappear into this disease, the happiness and smiles she would bring were disappearing. I felt helpless I couldn’t help the one person I loved more than anything and she was only becoming worse.

In August of 2012 my grandmother was put into Hospice care for the home. My family and I knew she wanted to be at home. Hospice was a gift the nurses helped us so much. They helped my grandmother feel calm and happy again. Hospice allowed life to settle down for a while but inside I was not settled I was a mess. I knew that my grandmother was nearing the end of her life something I refused to admit to myself. Inside I still imagined her there at all the important moments in my life. I still believed there would be a cure and everything could go back to normal, no matter how far off of a chance that was. For the moments I just felt relief to see my grandmother smile again and laugh and I looked forward to those windows of clarity. I learned how to hold onto every clear moment, every happy memory I could. I knew I had to be ready to face the moment that would truly test my heart and inner strength. 

In February 2013 my strength was truly put to the test. My grandmother had become ill and was starting to refuse to eat and drink. I refused to sleep at all I sat up all night and watched her. When morning came I decided to see if I could get her to eat for me. To my joy it was working, she would eat for me and even drink a bit. One morning my grandmother looked me directly in the eyes and said I love you. Her words were clear as day and I knew at that moment she knew who I was.  I thought things were going to get better from now on, we had made it over a huge mountain in our path but now things would be better. What I did not know was two days later that my mother grandfather and I would be sitting on her bed as she was being called home to heaven. I held tight to her hand and all I could do was tell her how much I loved her over and over again as my heart broke into a million pieces. I had never felt more powerless in my life, all the strength I had built up had broken and I for once showed how heartbroken and vulnerable I truly was.

The day that followed was filled with family and final goodbyes. I felt changed as we said our final goodbyes. I saw how broken everyone was. Moments like this my grandmother would have been the one being strong being the rock and supporting everyone through a rough time. I was her granddaughter and now I had to be strong like she had always been for the family.

When I look back on everything that I had gone through, I pause and think. I realize that at the start of this all I never wanted or thought I had the strength to make it through this. I faced one of the most heart wrenching painful events in my life. I could have given up and taken a different path in my life but I found the strength to stay with my grandmother till the very end and help my family through this as well.  I cherish the special moments I had with my Grandmother and would never want to change anything but to make her healthy if I could. I live my life in her memory her memory shall inspire me to always grow and become a better person. Our Bond transcends Heaven and earth and I know she will always be with me in spirit.