Hot FeverA Screenplay by TheLonelyMartian This is a throwback to the 80's movie genre about one man's desire to get revenge for the murder of his best friend at the hands of the evil Harold O'Donoghue
Hot Fever
A screenplay by:
Raymond Campbell
SCENE 1
Ext: A shifty looking dive of a biker bar " night " The camera starts on the LA skyline, panning across the more affluent area of the city to the poorer parts until finally it alights upon the dive bar. Sirens blare in the background. Two guys are fighting outside while another takes a piss against the two fighting guys.
Camera zooms in to the door which opens revealing the interior
Int: The interior of the bar is a complete shithole. Drunken bikers down pints of beer while others are slumped unconscious on tables. Waitresses weave in and out among the drunken bikers, smiling patiently at the cat-calls and slapping wandering hands. A fight breaks out over at one of the pool tables.
Biker 1: Hey! Shithead! What the dickens do you think you’re doing?
Biker 2: All I did was sink the black to win the game
Biker 1: Exactly! At this table the house always wins. Now tell me who won the game
Biker 1’s cronies lean over his shoulder sneering menacingly and cracking knuckles
Biker 2: Ah f**k it, fine you win. (Whispers) A*s
Biker 1: Damn straight I win. Now boys tell him what happens to people who lose at my table
Biker 3: We shake hands and compliment him on a game well played.
Biker 1: No you thundering idiot. We beat twelve shades of s**t out of him.
Biker 1 and his cronies lay into Biker 2 who has plainly pissed himself and may also have s**t himself.
The camera pans around the bar to a man looking at the fight and shaking his head ruefully at their antics. He turns back on his seat and leans on the counter. He looks around shiftily for a minute and surreptitiously leans down for a second and comes back up with a bottle of bud in one hand. He takes a long slug of it and sighs contentedly.
Suddenly the grizzled barman (Possibly Jeff Bridges?) appears in front of him
Barman : Hey there guy, you buy that beer here?
There’s a hint of menace in his voice
Kurt Russell: Sure did buddy and a delicious beer it is.
The barman takes a step to one side letting Kurt Russell see the sign behind his back. A large Coors Light sign shines behind him. Kurt Russell looks around the bar and realises that all the taps are for Coors, the fridges are full of Coors, there’s a Coors sales rep in the corner and the barmans tattoo clearly says ‘Coors til I die’, his eyepatch is also Coors sponsored. Kurt Russell gulps audibly
Kurt Russell: Come on now guy, I don’t want no trouble. Just let me finish my beer and I’ll leave
Barman: (spits in Kurt Russell’s beer and laughs) OK pal, go ahead and finish your beer
Kurt Russell stares at the beer with a look of shock on his face
Kurt Russell: Never in all my life have I ever seen someone despoil a bottle of delicious and refreshing Bud before. Pal, you’ve brought this on yourself.
Kurt Russell angrily punches the bottle of bud away from himself and jumps up on to the counter. The barman just stares at him, a look of confusion on his face. Before he can do anything Kurt Russell roundhouse kicks him in the face. The barman is sent flying backwards crashing into one of the fridges. As he slumps down a cascade of Coors light bottles crashes on his head.
Kurt Russell: Now that’s what I call a Coors day in hell
Turning around laughing at his own joke Kurt Russell fails to see the entire bar of bikers looking straight at him. Biker 1 drops the bloody body of Biker2 and shouts to the crowd
Biker 1: He just roundhouse kicked Gentle Louie in the face and made a terrible pun about it. We gonna let him get away with that?
Biker 3: That’s ‘Are we going to let him get away with that’
Biker 1 backhands Biker 3 across the mouth while the rest of the bar charges at Kurt Russell.
Kurt Russell with a loud cry of ‘Big Trouble in Little China’ leaps into the middle of the crowd. He takes a few hits from the bikers and is knocked back his lip bloodied. Suddenly he grins and leaps into action roundhouse kicking every biker in his way. Left foot, right foot, he doles out roundhouse kicks like they were going out of fashion until finally it’s only him and Biker 1 left. Biker 1 now looks visibly afraid for the first time
Biker 1: Hey guy I didn’t mean nothing by it.
Kurt Russell: Well bub, it seems it’s my roundhouse kick versus your backhand (Biker 1 lifts his hand nervously)
Biker 1: Come on, can’t we come to a diplomatic con….
Kurt Russell doesn’t let him finish as he lays into him with an almighty roundhouse kick sending Biker 1 spinning through the air and landing on one of the pool tables. Kurt Russell: Looks like somebody went roundhouse the world in eighty kicks. Hah!
With an unbearably smug grin he walks out the front door into the parking lot. As he walks towards the streer he meets another guy coming towards him wearing bright yellow parachute pants and looking quite obviously stoned. Kurt smiles and waves and the newcomer smiles back
Kurt Russell: Niall you son of a gun, where the hell were you? I had to roundhouse kick the a*s of everybody in there
Niall Browne: I got held up by traffic. I assume it’s safe to say we won’t be drinking there tonight. Being a total boss again were we?
Kurt Russell: Damn straight esse
The two bromigos pump fists. As the two fists hit an explosion occurs from their fists and from the fiery carnage two words appear HOT FEVER.
Cue theme to Hot Fever
SCENE 2
Ext. Still in same parking spot. Niall and Kurt finish their fist pump and manly laughter.
Niall Browne : Come on, my car’s across the street, let’s go find somewhere else to drink.
Kurt Russell: Cool beans
The two start to make their way across the parking lot when Kurt pulls up suddenly.
Kurt Russell: I need to go back and get my beers, I’ll meet you at your car in two seconds.
Niall continues to the car while Kurt goes back to the bar. As Kurt walks, smiling in anticipation of the boss night of drinking with his BFF Niall he suddenly hears a loud screeching of tires followed by a thump and a loud feminine scream.
He spins around, a look of horror on his face, only to see his best bud go flying through the air, parachute pants flapping aimlessly as the body spins in the night sky. Kurt Russell runs to the body and cradles the dead corpse of Niall in his arms. Strong, manly tears run down his cheeks as he sits there. His crying is cut short by a loud cackle from the truck that hit Niall. It pulls up beside Kurt and a loud sneering voice comes down
Harold O’Donoghue: Crying again are we? You f*****g pansy!
Kurt Russell: I know that voice. My nemesis Harold. Harold you stinking son of a catfish. Why’d you do this? Harold O’ Donoghue: Reason? Reason? You demand a reason from me? People with moustaches don’t need to give explanations to anyone nor do they need to have reasons to do anything either.
Kurt Russell: So… so you’re saying you did this out of spite?
Harold O’Donoghue: Damn skippy! You and I have a long and complicated history detailing why we hate each other but is too long to put into a flashback right now so the audience will just have to accept we hate each other for legitimate reasons and I’ll do anything to make your life miserable. Hah ha! See you in hell pansy
With a honk on the horn of the truck Harold speeds off laughing maniacally leaving Kurt standing forlornly in the middle of the road
Kurt Russell: Damn you Harold! Damn you to hell! I’ll have my revenge for my best friend Niall! I’ll have my REVENGE!
He punches the air angrily and kicks out in frustration, accidentally hitting Niall’s corpse.
Scene 3 Ext: A graveyard " Day. A group of mourners stand around a coffin being lowered into the ground while a priest says prayers. Camera pans out to Kurt Russell standing slightly back from everyone else by a tree, leaning against it with a beer in one hand. He’s obviously drunk and is muttering feverishly under his breath
Kurt Russell: I’m… I’m gonna… gonna kill that son of *hic* son of a
He tosses the bottle angrily on the ground and gets violently sick beside the tree, his loud retching sounds interfering with the people’s mourning they al look towards him. He stands up wiping off his mouth, rubbing the sick into a beer stained jacket.
He stumbles over to the coffin and throws himself down on it, sobbing like a b***h
Kurt Russell: NIALL!!! NIALL!!!
Mourner 1: Who is this dick?
Mourner 2: I don’t know. Look at me, look at this nice suit! Do I look like I know a drunk homeless guy?
Mourner 1: I guess not, that is a nice suit by the way. Where’d you get it?
Kurt Russell gets up off the coffin and glares at the two guys
Kurt Russell: Hey dick faces, this is a goddamn funeral, have some respect. Talking about suits while the greatest guy to have walked this earth goes six feet under. I ought to f****n’ roundhouse youse guys right here and now
With a visible effort he tries to spin and kick mourner 1 who just steps back out of the way.
Mourner 1: Come on now guy, we don't want any of that here. Noel certainly wouldn't have wanted it
Kurt Russell screms at the guy and rushes towards him
Kurt Russell: His name was Niall! NIALL you goddamned son of a b***h
Kurt after two steps trips over some dirt and lays sprawled out on the ground
Mourner 2: Noel, Niall! Who really cares. I only just came here so I could show off this nice suit I got
Mourner 3: You too? I thought I was the only one who didn't really care about this Neil guy. I just thought that this would be a nice chance to wear my new three piece suit I just bought. I don't really have any friend so I thought I'd show it off at a random funeral
Mourner 2: You don't have any friends? I don't have any friends! Why do you think I'm here? To show....
Mourner 1: Off yor suit! Wow, it's like we're all only here because we wanted to show off something or other
A fourth person joins the group, a handsome woman who's fingering a beautiful diamond necklace Mourner 4: I too am a desperately lonely person. I just bought this necklace as a gift for myself (sighs) and needed tos how it off somewhere and I thought where better to find some desperately lonely people to show it off to then at a funeral of some woman I didn't know
Mourner 2: Oh! It's actually a woman in there? Well nevermind, that is a beautiful necklace
At this point Kurt Russell has managed to get himself onto his feet and glares at everyone around him
Kurt Russell (shouting):
Kurt Russell (shouting): I’ll get you! I’ll get all of you! Just you see!
He shoulders off the people holding him and makes his way to his car. He takes a quick piss against the door and gets in. He manages to start it up and drive away, the car veering erratically along the road. Mourners go back to extolling virtues of Mourner 2’s lovely suit
Scene 4
Int: Inside of Car " Night " Kurt Russell is drving with one hand while downing bottles of bud with the other, his cheeks are clearly tearstained and his eyes are red.
Kurt Russell: NIALL!!! NIALL!!!
A series of flashbacks occur of good times between Kurt and Niall
Kurt starts to smile a little until the last flashback occurs which is Nialls death again
Kurt downs another beer and is now vering all over the road. Lights flash in the backround and a siren blares.
Kurt Russell F****n balls man, it’s the fire brigade, better pull in out of their way
Pulls over to the side of the road. Camera pans out and we see that he’s been crashed for some time into a hot dog stand.
Cops arrive by the window and knock and make roll down window motion which Kurt duly obliges.
Kurt Russell Wait a minute, you aren’t the fire brigade, you’re the police!
Officer 1 Yes we are sir! How much have you had to drink sir
Kurt Russell I could sue you guys for pretending to be fire brigade, I could have kept driving on and not paid any heed to you guys
Officer 2 Sir, do you know where you are right now
Kurt Russell Sure do, I’m on Highway 66, making the trip in honour of my good buddy Niall Browne.
Officer 2 Sir, you’re crashed into a hot dog stand on the pavement of the [street] in New York
Kurt Russell You lie, you lie to me, just like everyone else lies to me
Officer 1 Sir, I can assure you we’re not…
Kurt Russell: Shut your damn lying mouth, you liar. You’re a smelly liar face
Officer 1 takes out his baton and opens the door of the car, dragging Kurt out of the car
Officer 1 Nobody but nobody calls me a smelly liar face, let’s get him Lou.
Officer 2 Sure thing Lou
Officer 1 Lou is your name, my name is Grant
Officer 2 Ah yeah I forgot. Well, enough about names let’s beat the s**t outta this guy Lou
Grant rolls his eyes heavenward and mutters ‘idiot’ under his breath before laying into a drunken Kurt Russell viciously with a baton, the scene fades away as Kurt passes out into unconsciousness.
Scene 5
Int: Prison cell " Day " Kurt Russell is groggily awakening from his brutal beating that has left him with two black eyes and cuts and scrapes all over his face. He groans and sits up, looking around to see where he is
Kurt Russell Ah f**k, I’m in a goddamn prison cell again, this is not good
Guy Sure is not my lovely boy
Kurt Russell Who are you and don’t call me ‘lovely boy’ again?
Guy Oh I’m just an admirer of that pretty face of yours, my velvet faced pretty
Kurt Russell Oh my f**k, they put me in with a f*****g weirdo
Kurt stands up and walks over to the bars of the prison and starts shouting
Kurt Russell Hey let me the f**k out, I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m a victim of police entrapment
Guy Police entrapment? What do you mean, my silken love doodle
Kurt Russell Well you see the police pretended to be fome firemen and tricked me into pulling over out of their way, and then they had the cheek to tell me I had crashed into a hot dog stand and that that I had been sitting in my car for an hour without realising! They f*****g tricked me and lied to me
Guy Oh my, that sounds awful. I got tricked too you know. I thought it was legal to flash in public but apparently it’s not
The guy walks up beid eKurt and slips an arm around his waist, Kurt shrugs it off irritably and turns to th guy
Kurt Russell Look you f*****g weirdo, I want nothing to do with your perversion so just leave me alone or I’ll roundhouse kick you into the middle of next week, where I’ll be waiting to roundhouse kick you back to this moment. You got that?
Guy Oh sure, you just talk dirty to me and I’ll listen, mmm, you are a very pretty young man aren’t you.
Kurt Russell You sir are deranged
Guy That’s it, more stuff like that, you make me so hot
A police man approaches the cell and opens the door
Cop Russell, Kurt. You’re free to go. Now get the hell outta here
Guy Oh no, don’t say that, keep him locked up a while longer. Say you will, please!
Kurt Russell Get me the f**k out of here
Guy Look me up when I get out my chiselled Adonis
Kurt Russell flips him off and walks out of the cell
Kurt Russell So who let me out Bro?
Cop I ain’t your bro and it was some broad, said she was your lawyer
Kurt Russell A lawyer? I’m Kurt Roundhouse Kickin Russell, I don’t need f****n pansy a*s s**t like a lawyer
Cop Whatever, she’s quite a looker though!
The two walk out into the atrium of the police station to see a beautiful woman standing there, staring at Kurt Russell as he walks out.
Lawyer Mr Russell I assume
Kurt Russell Yeah, who’s asking?
Lawyer My name is Miss Busey, I was Mr Browne’s lawyer and I was the one who bailed you out of prison
Kurt Russell That sounds weird. Why would you do something weird like that
Miss Busey Because Mr Browne stip…
Kurt gives her a smug smile
Kurt Russell It’s cos you love the K-Dog ain’t it. Big Poppa Bukowski got your motor runnin’ eh?
Mr Busey Mr Russell, I can assure you my interest has nothing to do with sex. I only did this because you were missing for the reading of the will and Mr Browne stipulated in his will that you were to bailed out if, and I quote, “If Kurt does something stupid after I die and gets himself locked up then some of my money should be used to bail the stupid son of a b***h out of prison”
Kurt still not listening to her and is now flexing his guns
Kurt Russell So when are we gonna knock boots then? Do the nasty tango? Bump uglies? More sexual reference! Boom! Kurt Russell is into you!
Miss Busey Mr Russell all I am going to do is drive you hoe and then that will be the end of our dealings
Kurt Russell Sure thing doll face, whatever you say. We should stop at a pharmacy first to pick up some johnnies!
Miss Busey rolls her eyes and makes an irritated noise
Miss Busey Come on Mr Russell, the sooner I get you home the sooner I can
Kurt Russell Get into my bed! Boom, Kurt Russell is on fire!
Miss Busey Sigh!!!!
Kurt Russell Alright let’s go, I gots a boner that just won’t quit like that a*s of oyurs
Scene 6 Ext: Outside Kurt Russell’s House " Night " A car pulls up outside the house and Kurt climbs out, the view switches to inside the car where Kurt is leaning in the open window
Kurt Russell So what you’re saying is that sex is definitely off the table then
Miss Busey Yes, for the last time yes. As if that matters cos it was never on the table in the first place
Kurt Russell Alright, alright, just checking, no need to be so testy. Well then just go out on a date with me
Miss Busey Sighs, will you leave me alone then?
Kurt Russell Yes, if you aren’t attracted to my overpowering manliness on the dat then I leave you alone after it
Miss Busey Fine. If that’s what it takes, then one date with you
Kurt Russell Sweet beans, sweet delicious beans. Friday at 8 sound good.
Miss Busey Fine but no bars
Kurt Russell Agh, fine. I’ll take you to a restaurant or something gay like that
Miss Busey’s car speeds off while Kurt walks up to his house whistling. He enters his house
Sene 7
Int: Kurt Russell’s House " Night " Kurt Russell goes into his house and wades through the rubbish tip that is the hallway to the sitting room. He cracks open a beer and sits on the couch. Pcking up a pad of paper and a pen her starts writing for a while. A short time passes and he puts down the pad and starts to laugh. The camera zooms in on the paper. The heading is ‘Revenge Plan’, the camera pans down to show the plan. All that’s on the sheet is a child’s drawing of Kurt roundhouse kicking Harold in the face with a smiley face drawn under it. In the bottom left is a signature ‘Kurt Russell aged 43’
Kurt puts down his bottle beside an ever growing pile and opens another. He picks up a framed picture of Niall Browne and clutches it to his chest. He starts to sob softly, great manly tears rolling down his cheeks.
Kurt Russell REVENGE!!!!
A while longer passes and Kurt gets more and more drunk until he finally passes out
Scene 8 Ext: A street corner " day- A scrawny looking guy with curly hair is standing at a corner in a pair of denim jeans and a denim shirt. He looks around shiftily from time to time. A man approaches him and makes a quick transfer of drugs for money
Kurt Russell walks down the street and around the corner just as the customer departs. The scrawny guy spots Kurt and starts to run down the street, Kurt runs after him easily keeping pace, letting the other guy run himself out.
The guy turns down into an alley which turns out to be a dead-end. The guy turns and tries to get around Kurt who just blocks his passage easily. The guy turns and tries to climb the fire escape of an apartment block. Kurt calmly walks over and grabs his leg pulling him down, Kurt gets right up in the face of the scrawny guy and grabs the front of his shirt
Kurt Russell Where’s Harold?
Scrawny Guy: I don’t know who you’re talking about man!
Kurt Russell slams him up against the wall and punches him twice in the face, drawing blood
Kurt Russell: I won’t ask again Smomon, tell me where he is?
Smomon: I honestly don’t know where he is, please just let me go. I actually don’t like this at all
Kurt Russell: Don’t jerk me about on this one Smomon, just tell me where the f**k Harold is hiding!
Smomon: Look Kurt, I just don’t….
Kurt lets go of Smomon, takes a step back and unleashes a mighty roundhouse kick all up on his a*s. Smomon goes flying back into a pile of garbage cans and slumps down. Kurt walks up to him slowly
Kurt Russell: Are you going to say you don’t know where Harold is again, you s**t?
Smomon: I… he might be down at one of his warehouses down by the docks, please stop hurting me. You’re ruining my clothes, I have to sleep in these tonight!
Kurt Russell: How come you didn’t just say that in the beginning
Smomon groans and slumps sideways as Kurt Russell walks away © 2011 TheLonelyMartianAuthor's Note
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10 Reviews  Last Updated on April 18, 2011 Author
TheLonelyMartianLimerick, Munster, IrelandAboutI am a sarcastic and cynical bollix. I initially come across quite nice but once you get below that layer you'll find me to be about as boring as watching two sleeping snails race more..Writing
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