Fitness-Gram Pacer Test

The Fitness-Gram Pacer Test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues.

The 20 Meter Dash of tears, blood, and sweat will begin in thirty, dooming seconds.

Line up at the start, preparing yourself like a death row inmate prepares for the firing squad as the impending clutches of death releases you from sweat agony.

The running speed starts out slowly, but progressively gets faster with this signal: *It's a Trap!*

A single lap should be completed when you hear this sound: *Yodeling Noises*

Remember to run in a straight line and to run as long as possible because your very life and grade could depend on it, Physical Ed. students (yes, you). The second time you fail a lap, your test is over. Your teacher will mark you with an 'F' in Failure and your parents, disappointed, will be scratching their heads in wonder as to how you could have possibly ended your future to get into college.

The test will begin on the word "Start.

On your mark, get ready, start.

[Retro '80's songs, children's voices raised in agony, coach yelling: 'FEEL THE BURN!' Running progressively increases in speed, kids furiously running as if hell were at their heals.]

End of level one.
Level two will begin.
On your mark,
Get ready,
Start.
 [More agonizing screams, children running recklessly this time, coach hid somewhere in horror, a gym mat is somehow on fire, and one kid falls unconscious on the floor.]

End of level two.
Level three will begin.
On your mark,
Get ready,
Start.

[Several levels and few minor injuries and deaths later...]

End of level ninety-nine.
Level one hundred will begin.
On your mark,
Get ready,
Start.

[The one athletic guy or girl is left and begins pacing around what use to be a gym, but has converted itself into a sort of battlefield with bodies strewn about. The door to the gym are on its hinges and the coach is nowhere to be found. She or he makes her or his greatest stride across the gym and reaches the other side, the pacer alerts her/him to run back, and she/he does. "Chariots of Fire" Theme Song begins to play its majestic tune in tribute to the fallen students and the victorious last one standing. As the student finally touches foot at the end of the pacer, she/he screams out a victory screech: "Oh, Sugar Honey Iced Tea!" She/he has made it, the student has won.]

End of test.

Reviews

[AliciaB]

What the heck? XD I don't know if this is based on some horrid personal experience or something, but whatever the case, it's weird and hilarious. I like the "It's a trap" - I understood that reference. :) The final paragraph in italics/brackets and the "End of test." are also great. Was the "Chariots of Fire" theme song and "Oh, sugar honey iced tea!" an intentional reference to the children's movie Madagascar? Because if so, you just made my day. If you have no idea what I'm talking about... don't worry about it. XD Thank you for this amazingly comical reading experience. It made absolutely no sense, and I loved it.

[GalaxyGhost]

Yes, you totally got my references! YEAH!!! You're awesome!

[AliciaB]

Yay! Aww, thanks. You too! :)

[GalaxyGhost]

Thanks! Have a wonderful day!

[AliciaB]

You as well! :)

[MightyMouse]

This is exactly how I felt every time we had a pacer test. Well done. :)

[GalaxyGhost]

Thank you !

[DRAGO]

HMM, I have no idea what to say.

[GalaxyGhost]

Thank you!

[Sapientiam]

This was absolutely hilarious! This brings back old elementary memories where I would only get to level 12 and watch in distaste as the last two people trying to get to 100. Very well written. I loved the crazy details of the scenario and I could picture it perfectly in my mind and it made me laugh so hard internally. I'm sure this is how every child felt when they took this test! Great job!

[GalaxyGhost]

Thank you! I'm glad that was found hilarious!