Centsless & Senseless

"A penny for your thoughts?" they said

and I only received two cents.

I've given up on my senses,

now I'm left with all of this change

and I'm not broken, just broke-

cents-less and senseless.

I've given away myself enough to become immortalized in memory

I've given away enough of myself to people who've become dead to me

or dead, to me it's unhealthy.

I've given myself away and to this very day

I feel a piece of me die when I catch her eye

and I cry to the sky.

When she cries back at me,

it makes me actually believe

that there's a God and he's listening.

But the whether man said it'd rain this morning

so all afternoon I've been mourning that I swore

to drops of water that I had something to believe in.

These pennies given to me by ignorant friends and wise, old men

lead me to think that even little change is worth fighting for

even if it doesn't buy you your dreams

But how much are my dreams worth if you're not here to share them with me?

I thought I left your ghost in my head years ago

and now that the ghost of a younger me sits next to myself asking
"Where did you go?" I now know

that it was me who died
and you kept living with halfa' whole.

I'm past the coping, I'd say coped
I've missed this disintegrating escape

But I still feel as though something is out of place.

Pacing the hallways I grew up in,

I wonder where all the time went.

A month for every notch in my bedroom door,

to see how tall we were back then,

I haven't seen my brother since... I don't know when.

He thinks he's Captain America or somethin', I swear.

And my sisters been long gone
Along with my dad and part of my mom
So now its just me and her
AND I STILL SING SONGS JUST TO GET ME BY
and for a while it worked, 

but now I'm just singing a lie like love,
I know it's not real, but it keeps my head up.

It keeps me up at night when I'm thinking.

I'm sinking deeper into this mess of a head
I might as well lock myself up there

I mean, I already can't get out of my bed.

So, I'd rather be trapped than on meds
I'm so restless anymore.
Fortunately, I've got this pen and paper

and an endless stream of consciousness

to confess my sins and vices all night.

I'm so used to being tired, I can't even tell when I am
Until I wake with a half smoked cigarette in my hand.
(I gotta stop doing that)
My eyes are as heavy as my heart,

and my heart is as dark as my lungs are.
Maybe if my eyes were just the same,
I could sleep without knowing the morning ever came.
(Instead of falling asleep when it does)

I'll take up my father's old habit of getting a buzz
just to get some Z's, 

but there's a reason why 

he's my mom's ex

but I won't recite his issues,
just like I won't reverse and recite the alphabet.

Author's Note

See what I did at the end there? ;]