Guilt

“I’m smiling, see? Can’t you see me? I’m smiling. I promise...I’m smiling”

•••

You’re looking at me and I wonder if you’re doing the exact same thing I am; imagining your blood dripping off of my hands as I just stand there looking at you. The bodies move around me, around us, and I know that there’s no soul left, that you’re too far gone, that my hands lying loosely against my thighs, sweaty in my latex gloves don’t mean a damn thing to you. Blood leaks from your lips, and nose and upon this visual I imagine the day after your last breath. I imagine your boss having to clean out your desk. I imagine your best friend crying her eyes out when she swipes through her phone for pictures of your adventures. I imagine your son and daughter sitting at home on the couch, staring at the clock wondering why mommy isn’t home. I imagine the people you’ll leave behind and whisper my apologies.

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you...I'm just so...

“sorry”

Author's Note

This is something I wrote after a serious accident call, the beginning was more for my benefit in imagining this is what the patient was saying to me, but alas it was just my attempt at getting my head silent. Please enjoy~

Reviews

[J. Hampton]

powerfully deep...
nobody understands how affected 1st responders are

[Gianna Anaya]

This was my first call that had this kind of ending so I suppose it just hit me a little different, our strength grows with time in this business. Despite that I don't think there's a single one of us who would change anything about our jobs. We'll be there on your worst day, and that's okay.

[J. Hampton]

no doubt
Thank you for what you do everyday

[chimetime]

Very great intensity and first-person account of others dying. I love how much you pack death and grief into such a small paragraph.

My only note is that I actually thought this was an account from a serial killer until the very last line. Admittedly, I read your note after I read your story, but it did give me a serial killer vibe when I read without the context.

[Gianna Anaya]

Thank you for your review! Now that I'm looking through the last portion of the piece it needs some editing. One of my favorite things about literature or pages that are out there is that the meaning could differ from person to person, I really just love this face. Thank you for the review!