Ever taken time to watch a river flow? Or listen to what it says to you? Allow the words to flow through you, listen... you might learn.
Following each slinky curve, Winding, Giving this beauty, both body and form. Her slender sides slipping silently away From the cold hard feet that trod beside her. Over her. Round her.
Your eyes drawn along her, Taking in the truly orgasmic sights She lives by Day in, day out. As you watch each movement of her Flowing form. The chance is there to listen, Take it.
Hearing her speak, You listen to her murmurs, Her sexy voice whispering the history. Some tragic stories, Some of heightened happiness.
But who stops long enough to listen? She tells her secrets to only those Fortunate enough to care. --- Shocking, shy, silence. Shear, shrill, surprise. Shores she'sCRASHED! ---
At a moments turn Her beauty turns to Brutal, Tormented, Hatred. As the rain pours, so does her rage. Her tales reveal the truth to her inner most thoughts. --- Suddenly she KILLS! Surely she's CRAZED! She CAN'T COPE! ---
Her anger displayed openly. Her distraught motions, Shows her twisted turns, and Distort her once suggestive style.
But somehow, even these Deep, dark descriptions, Of things no one wishes To hear, Add more so to her beauty.
Simply amazing. Its as if the river herself is speaking through you. I can imagine that what you wrote is exactly what she would say. So realistic and thas what I love about it.
Interesting description. It's amazing what a river is exposed to each day as it exists within nature, but this is the first time I've ever read one with seductive qualities. Nicely done.
Interesting stuff, it's like a ride down the river as the poem progresses. I like your style. I found myself wondering if this was still a river or a person, because you personified it so much. You turned it into a real character, so bravo. Just a couple things I noticed sat off with me;
The word sexy is very subjective, and probably not needed. Beauty, curve, and the other things you have mentioned should do the job well enough. The word orgasmic is very strong and carries alot of things with it. My fear is that by using this word you draw people away from the river and into a bed somewhere :D At any rate, flush my words to the toilet or hold them high, my review is done and I'm going to bed. Great job with this one.
Oi! Why not give us the orgasmic sights? Yer talkin' about em! What is they, what is they, lady? Were there waterfalls? Mountains of pink spaghetti trolloping westward 'neath the barren savannah of your body and mind?
I stop to listen. I always have. As a child, I fished, I stood by her banks and she caressed my mind and my soul. She brought me peace, serenity and clarity of mind. I would run to her each day after school. She runs quietly at her deepest places. Life springs forth around her in the springtime.
You did a splendid job with this. I think this is your best work to date - at least that I have read. The analogy and the range of emotions are brilliant. I enjoyed this very much - Leah
Thank you, Rob, you know I value everything you say. Just some things are there for reason. The parentheses contain a repetitive sound of "sh, sh, s, s" - her silent waters flowing - in the first incidence, the second a "sh, sh, K" - to show her waves as they crack and crash off of edges etc. Agreeably there are certain times where sentences r too long, but I like to think they add to the image of the waves. I'm basing this on a poem we read in like 4th year at High School, where the shape and the voice was portrayed through words, I remember one line:
"Sucking back shingles",
Being the voice of the sea.
I will later look at some changes, like the orgasmic one... but again it's a long line, so I'll need to check.
I like the opening you have here with your first stanza, but I think it could be tightened up.
Each slinky curve,
Winds,
Gives her beauty both body and form.
Slender sides slipping silently away [I like the alliteration -- s, s, s, s. Sounds sexy.]
From the cold hard feet that trod beside her.
Over her.
Round her.
Nice image you have going on here.
Eyes drawn along her [ripples and froth],
Orgasmic [I think just the word is stronger. But your choice -- your poem.]
Alive [This tightens the image, but your choice]
Day in, day out.
She moves [more active.]
Flows [again more active.]
Hear her [active],
Take her.
Her sexy voice whispers of history.
Tragic stories,
Love's embrace,
Heightened happiness.
[Just trying to tighten. Don't feel you need to change everything or anything. It's your poem.]
But who stops long enough to listen?
She tells her secrets to only those
Fortunate enough to care.
At a moment
Her beauty turns
Brutal,
Tormented,
Hatred.
As rain pours, so comes her rage.
Her tale reveals her inner most thoughts.
--- She KILLS!
Without pity
Without regret
Anger ---
Distraught motions,
Show her twisted turns,
Distorts her once suggestive style.
Even these
Deep, dark descriptions,
Of things no one wishes
To hear,
Add to her beauty
Allow her persona to unwind
Into human form.
Be careful children
Don't stray too close to her
Don't listen to her beckon. [Just more a show than tell]
Strangely
Her Imperfections,
Make her
Perfect.
I tried mostly to just tighten up your lines. Overall, this is really good. I think with a few more edits this piece is going to be amazing. Well done!
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