My Fairytale

A Story by Warrior

There was a girl in a room who was told that great danger lurked beyond the door. She was promised that the armor in the cupboard was made for the person who would save her.
“When will he come to rescue me? “ The girl asked one day.
She got no reply. So she waited and endured.
Until she had had enough.
She picked up the armor that was meant for her savior, sick and tired of waiting for him to come,
She put it on noticing how it fit like a glove. before she left the room she took a deep breath and opened the door ignoring her shaking hands.
There was a table in the middle of a dimly lit room with nothing but a piece of paper lying on the surface.
She carefully approached the table out of growing curiosity.

The note simply said ;
You are your own hero.

© 2018 Warrior

My Review

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Wow. I love this. Very powerful. Its short and to the point and pulled me right in. Bravo.

Posted 6 Years Ago

6 Years Ago

Thank you so much

Kibbles and Quips

Okay, so, I just want to say that I wouldn't have done this if you had not messaged me and asked for a critique, and this is a critique.

I like the sentiment you are going for - the fact that we should place more trust and faith in ourselves than a romanticized myth brought upon us through media and the like.
However, I would like to see this expanded upon. Create a story and bring the sentiment to life through a unique voice of your telling, because as it stands, this reads wholly as a cliche and just as shallow.

Also, I see that this is listed as a story, but the format has me looking at it more so as a poem (that is not to say a poem cannot be a story). The beginning starts with consecutive and unbroken sentences then the first break in paragraph to the lone quote of "When will he come to rescue me? " (now, I purposely put that space there, because you did. Delete that space and then strike the "T" in the following "The" to the lower case because it is in reference and conjunction to the dialogue that had preceded it).

Anywho, I brought up the sentences because after that, there is no clear format that is being followed. Sentences are grouped, stand alone, or broken in half. In addition, the punctuation is off as well.

As for the actual story of the piece, there is next to nothing for me, as a reader, to grasp onto.There is no name for this girl, resulting in the overuse of pronouns, there is no character written for her (outside of her waiting then saying "Do I really have to do everything for myslef?"), and there is no setting. There is no purpose to her and thus the story outside of the cliche and shallow reiteration of the cliche "You are your own hero."

On the whole, I believe this piece would benefit by a thorough edit, deciding if it wants to be a poem or a story, and adding in more sustenance and intrigue to rid it of the shallow and uninspired cliche it is currently muddied by.

I am sorry if this was not pleasant to read, but we do not grow by reading unfounded and undeserved compliments. But, there is a voice inside those words, however quiet she whispers, she just needs to speak up because, like my poetry professor would say, "If you're not making yourself uncomfortable, you're not saying enough."

Make yourself uncomfortable because I look forward to what you truly have to say.

Posted 6 Years Ago

Okay, so, I just want to say that I wouldn't have done this if you had not messaged me and asked for a critique, and this is a critique.

I like the sentiment you are going for - the fact that we should place more trust and faith in ourselves than a romanticized myth brought upon us through media and the like. 
However, I would like to see this expanded upon. Create a story and bring the sentiment to life through a unique voice of your telling, because as it stands, this reads wholly as a cliche and just as shallow.

Also, I see that this is listed as a story, but the format has me looking at it more so as a poem (that is not to say a poem cannot be a story). The beginning starts with consecutive and unbroken sentences then the first break in paragraph to the lone quote of "When will he come to rescue me? " (now, I purposely put that space there, because you did. Delete that space and then strike the "T" in the following "The" to the lower case because it is in reference and conjunction to the dialogue that had preceded it).

Anywho, I brought up the sentences because after that, there is no clear format that is being followed. Sentences are grouped, stand alone, or broken in half. In addition, the punctuation is off as well.

As for the actual story of the piece, there is next to nothing for me, as a reader, to grasp onto.There is no name for this girl, resulting in the overuse of pronouns, there is no character written for her (outside of her waiting then saying "Do I really have to do everything for myslef?"), and there is no setting. There is no purpose to her and thus the story outside of the cliche and shallow reiteration of the cliche "You are your own hero."

On the whole, I believe this piece would benefit by a thorough edit, deciding if it wants to be a poem or a story, and adding in more sustenance and intrigue to rid it of the shallow and uninspired cliche it is currently muddied by.

I am sorry if this was not pleasant to read, but we do not grow by reading unfounded and undeserved compliments. But, there is a voice inside those words, however quiet she whispers, she just needs to speak up because, like my poetry professor would say, "If you're not making yourself uncomfortable, you're not saying enough."

Make yourself uncomfortable because I look forward to what you truly have to say.

Rating /100